Tough Love Astrology — Week of 17 May 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: At some point you want to stop taking antidepressants; preferably when you’re financially independent and live alone in a log cabin in the woods. Somewhere with deep snow. Depression is like the weather. You get good days, bad days, and days of dead calm. Don’t ever mistake bad weather for you yourself or for a fixed state with no possibility of change. I gauge mine by beard length, dirtiness of tea mug, and days since I last left the house.

Pisces: What does anarchy look like to you? Anarchy in the UK is when we form two disorderly queues. If someone asks you for your number give them the number of The Samaritans instead. Buy advertising space. Leave it blank. Report sponsored tweets as spam. Send junk-mail back to companies using their postage-paid envelopes. I posted scrap metal back to one persistent marketer which cost them a fortune. They stopped mailing me after that.

Aries: Is the glass half full or half empty? Or do you suspect that glasses don’t exist and empty / full is a false dichotomy to sell more drinks? There’s nothing wrong with optimism or being a good person but fake positivity is annoying. It’s like being spoonfed sickly sweet fake sugar by people who live in a bubble. Beware of people who claim to be positive but want to put a gag in everyone else’s mouth and pretend that the world is fine.

Taurus: If someone calls you on the phone they either have a deathwish or the wrong number. You know there’s a mute button on Twitter but what you really want is a mute everyone button. I’m not calling you antisocial. I’m too afraid to do that. Besides, I know that social anxiety can make you seem incredibly antisocial when you’re actually merely terrified. Hello irony, meet bitterness and sarcasm. They wondered when you’d bother to show up.

Gemini: Why won’t I read your novel? Because it’s about a werewolf, in love with a vampire, that rides to work on a dragon. Also Dostoyevsky exists and I can read him for free instead. Unless you’ve been dead for years, and recognised as a great writer by more than just your mum, I’m unlikely to read your novel. You should expect the same level of interest in your novel from the rest of the world. You still have to write it, finish it, and publish it.

Cancer: The weekend starts here. What do you mean it’s Monday? Did I say you could start without me? I propose that we throw Friday into a bucket along with the rest of the week. It may create a paradox that undoes the universe but it won’t interfere with your plans. What are your plans for the weekend? You ever noticed how weekends allow you to recover just enough to go back to work but not enough to do anything else? You’re gonna need a bigger boat.

Leo: I once told a very dear friend that: “I don’t do hugs.” She said: “That’s exactly why you need them.” You’re so mean and cynical. I like you. But it’s ok, you can admit it, sometimes you need a hug. Everyone does at some point. That’s Hug Life. Friends can’t tell you what you should do. They’re only good for hugs. Only your heart can answer you. You have the love and support of the universe within you and around you. Sorry, wrong meeting.

Virgo: The only imaginary friends you’ve got time for are the ones that live in your head. I contend that everyone on the internet is secretly a lunatic — yourself included. You can follow someone for years before you discover their particular brand of crazy. Even if you Skype. We’re all imaginary friends. None of us are real to one another until we’ve met in real life, had a few drinks, and swapped stories and battle scars from this crazy life.

Libra: “Ink-stained wretch” is a well-known epithet for a journalist or writer. It’s what some journalists in the UK even call themselves. It has positive connotations as it means that you’re hard working and hece covered in ink. You should aim to be an ink-stained wretch this week. No matter what your line of work. Work hard. Everything else can wait. You can’t write a novel without writing, be an athlete without training, or achieve anything without work.

Scorpio: It has recently been brought to your attention that you’re not immortal. You’re not very happy about this. Signs of getting old include: Bands people like sound like knock-offs of bands who imitated the bands that you love and you still prefer the originals. You’ve started to hate people. Not as individuals — as a species. You’ve begun to suspect that people are humouring you. There, there, old timer. It’s good you get out of the house.

Sagittarius: What should you do with your life? Well, you know, you could always try making the world a better place. Ralph Waldo Emerson said: “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” So maybe start with being true to yourself. Because you’re made of awesome and the world was bound to find out eventually. Breathe deep, take your time, you’ll be fine.

Capricorn: Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got. Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot. Wouldn’t you like to get away? Absolutely. And after that we’ll stop for drinks at liar’s bar and take a bite from the silver cloud sandwich. Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something. I am Jack’s token cultural reference. Do you want to take the blue pill or the red pill? Cheers.