Is Mercury in Retrograde or Do You Have Your Head Stuck in Uranus?

Asshole Astrology for August 2021

I’m not fond of answering questions about how I am. I’m not called Albert Camus, and I’m not an existentialist, so there’s no need to ask after the nature of my existence. But for once I need to be real with you.

This monthly horoscope is late for the first time in over a year. And the weekly one for this week isn’t happening either. That’s because my ongoing health issues have taken a turn for the worse and I’m in no fit state to write.

No joke. There is no punchline coming — though you may line up to punch me. I’m sorry for my tardiness and hope that you’ll forgive me.

There won’t be a weekly post this week but to make amends I’ve made the paid monthly post available to everyone for free. These horoscopes are a labour of love. The more people that sign up for the paid version the more likely they are to continue.

Thank you for your continued support. Please consider signing up for the paid version to get regular monthly horoscopes and other goodies.

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But anyway, like I always say, without further ado:

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.


Take out your rubbish the day after the bins are emptied. Leave a penny in your old bank accounts and refuse to close them. Form two orderly queues. That’s right — it’s anarchy in the UK. You could learn a lot from this about how to live. Try to fill your life with tiny acts of defiance. To persist is an act of defiance — not of faith. Right now, you’re feeling persisted off. You’re a rebel without a clue rather than without a cause. Fight the system regardless.


What hobbies do you enjoy? I think you should try to find hobbies that don’t involve reading, writing, or sarcasm. Your sense of humour doesn’t always translate or come across well to others. Maybe you should give it up? Either that or learn to love the shocked sound that stupid people make when they disagree with something they took literally that you said sarcastically. You could always take it as a challenge? Or realise that I’m suggesting it for comic effect.


The best thing about tomorrow is that it’s not today. Your plans for world domination will have to be put on hold at least until tomorrow — it’s way past your bedtime. Tell anyone that tries to make unreasonable demands on your time: “I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn’t look so good either.” Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow or even later? How about never? Does never work for you? Productive procrastination.


My sarcasm prayer is: Grant me the sarcasm to mock the things I cannot change, the wit to change the things I can, and the cynicism to tell the difference. What would your sarcasm prayer be? Let’s pray to the god of sarcasm together. You first. *hold for laugh* The inability of some people to take sarcasm astounds me. What truly dull lives they must lead. This is why we can’t have nice things. Set a date. Deadlines are fun. As is sarcasm. Trust me on this one.


It’s great that you want to emotionally scar your children and give them nightmares — otherwise what was the point of having them? But you might want to rethink your parenting style a little. Especially if you don’t have children. Making people laugh is your super power. Grumpiness, cynicism and sarcasm are your core competencies. Also making tea. We can be friends. To my tea parties you are always invited. Unless you’re a vampire. But try killing with kindness instead.


Freedom of speech includes the right to offend. Freedom of speech includes the right to say things that you don’t agree with. Otherwise it isn’t freedom of speech. The best way to defend freedom of speech is to allow more of it. You ought to defend with your dying breath people’s right to express their stupid ideas, quaint notions, and whacky beliefs. That’s freedom of speech. But that doesn’t mean you have to respect the belief or pretend you agree with them.


When it comes to social skills you often feel like the shy and awkward kid who never learnt how to play nice with other children. The worst part of depression is struggling to communicate your feelings with others. But you can never know what you are capable of achieving when you always quit before trying. That’s what art is for. You can often get great scenes out of a mediocre or horrible life. Take notes no matter what is happening in life. HANDS OFF MY TOYS!


Japanese lore says if you fold 1,000 paper cranes your wish will come true. What’s your wish and what would you do 1,000 times to get it? Wow. An interesting conversation just happened on the internet. Tell no-one. The past is gone, the future hasn’t happened — we’ve only got the present. Don’t look to others for approval, advice, thanks, praise or directions. Or to tell you who you are. They’re good for hugs. That’s about it. Life’s short. People are busy. Leave them alone.


How would you open your comedy set if you were a stand up comedian? I’d love to open mine with: “This is a relaxed-looking crowd. That will change.” Thank you, I’m here all week. I’m glad someone gets it. What do you get if you put two paranoid people in a room together? I don’t know. Do I? WHO SENT YOU?!! The secret is each and every day is already great — no matter how bad it is. There is surely nothing other than the single purpose of the present moment. These are the jokes, folks.


Don’t confuse writing with editing. But feel free to confuse editors with your writing. That’s their problem. I once got told off for winking in public. I think that’s what they said. I once tried to convince a vegetarian friend that it’s ok to eat fish because “fish don’t count.” What’s the best way to get rid of internet stalkers? Chat with them on Skype. They lose interest as soon as they realise you’re as dorky as they are. In short, maybe don’t take my advice.


Americans don’t understand their friends across the pond. Europeans think nothing about drinking wine with lunch. English that or beer. Northerners by itself for breakfast. To be fair, down south ‘sausage roll’ also means sausage sandwich. But still they say us northerners are uncivilised. What do southerners call a sausage roll — as in the pastry? That’s what I want to know. These are the sort of important issues that will preoccupy your mind for this month.


You’re in an honest frame of mind — time to go to bed. You’re definitely noticing some memory issues as you age. Like, for example, sometimes you can’t remember if it’s illegal to shoot someone in the face. Just kidding. But you do need to work on your anger issues. Take it easy. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Even the stupid and annoying ones. That’s right. See, you’re getting it. As Stephen King said: “Humor is almost always anger with makeup on.”