Asshole Astrology — Week of 9 November 2020

Horoscopes for Horrible People

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: It’s time to put the flakes on notice — and I don’t mean the type you get stuck in your ice cream cone. Self-proclaimed psychics, mediums, life coaches, NLP practitioners, social media experts, or anyone else who’s full of it. NLP types are top of the list. All NLP is good for is selling NLP. Every NLP expert I’ve ever met has had the integrity of a used car salesman. They want your money and have no scruples about how they get it. Trust instead the good things in your life that are free. Pets. Family and friends. Going for walks. Travel as a kind of play.

Pisces: If you have an anti-consumerism case on your iPhone then you have no sense of irony. You could even be said to have, wait for it, an irony deficiency. If you read their privacy policy you’ll see that they want to steal your face, eat the fillings from your teeth, and drink the blood of your firstborn children. This shouldn’t surprise you. It just adds credence to the argument for innocent citizens encrypting their data like terrorists. It’s almost like Apple is a business. Sorry, my brain hurts. Apple still loves you. I don’t know them like you do!

Aries: What’s your drug of choice? Well what have you got? In the words of Hunter S. Thompson: “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me.” What’s your brain look like on the above? I talk about my Brain like it’s a separate character because 1) it’s funny 2) it acts like it is and 3) I genuinely carry out conversations with it in my head. But whenever I capitalise Brain my phone thinks that I meant to type Brian. So my phone thinks my brain is called Brian. Forget drugs; this is my brain on TEA. Use your Brian.

Taurus: The Wikipedia entry for the meaning of life has been flagged as being in need of attention from an expert on the subject. Forget the skeletons in your closet. We’re all skeletons if you think about it. At least it’s not Sunday. In that case you’d be Morrissey and no-one wants to be him. The planet is doomed. That doesn’t mean you don’t try to save it. Maybe a space ark will relocate life to Mars. Your decision to recycle or grow tomato plants buys valuable time. Maybe you save a monkey or a mongoose. Your actions could one day be the reason we have cats on Mars.

Gemini: Don’t fight with your brain. Your brain is your secret weapon with which you’ll conquer the world. I mean that in a good way. I suspect you may be related to Victor Lustig; the man that sold the Eiffel Tower. You could probably sell snow to Eskimos at this point. If someone starts a question with the phrase ‘Honesty is the best policy’ or words to that effect LIE TO THEM. Speaking from personal experience the symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia and the symptoms of dealing with idiots are the same. The greatest plot was the gunpowder plot. It’s good to have goals.

Cancer: You could do something meaningful that enriches your life and brings you another step closer to achieving your dreams — or you could check Twitter. You read the illiterate gibberish people tweet and are convinced they’re a low-level Artificial Intelligence crawling towards sentience. Well let’s just say they define ‘intelligence’ loosely. Listen to self-hypnosis CDs to cure yourself of insomnia. The narrator’s voices are so boring you’ll fall to sleep in no time. If that fails then put the kettle on. There’s always time for tea. Which reminds me — *drinks tea*

Leo: There are only THREE Star Wars films. Three. Just three. I will die on this hill. *rocks back and forth in corner* What made up nonsense do you believe despite all evidence to the contrary? Reiki? Spiritual healing? Fruit teas? It’s time to let it all go and get on with your life. You’ve hit none of the milestones of things you’re expected to have done by age 35 let alone by the end of the year. It’s going to be a busy couple of months. They say that April is the cruelest month but for you, like most of us on the planet, it has just been one of those years.

Virgo: RIP Sean Connery: the best Bond. I hope that James Bond dies in the new Bond film. It would be an interesting development for his character. He then could be played by ANYONE because the original 007 died but they kept the designation and recruited someone else in his place. In my head James Bond and 007 are just designations. As he’s already been played by different actors over the years it’s about time they opened up the role to absolutely anyone. The designation conceit would just allow them to explain it. You can be the next Bond; this is what I’m saying.

Libra: You bawled all the way through Chasing Amy. I know Ben Affleck’s a bad actor but surely not THAT bad! At least he succeeded against all odds. Go after your dreams. No-one else is going to go after your dreams for you. Unless your dream is for people to go after your dreams on your behalf in which case good luck with that. I am available as a motivational speaker by the way. Brenda Ueland says the most shiny talented sensitive people are also the biggest scaredy cat procrastinators but that’s no excuse so get on with it. Admittedly I’m paraphrasing slightly.

Scorpio: It’s raining and I got soaked to the skin walking home. You’ve no idea how happy this makes me. Tsunetomo Yamamoto in Hagakure, the book of the samurai, said: “There is something to be learned from a rainstorm. When meeting with a sudden shower you try not to get wet and run quickly along the road. By doing such things as passing under the eaves of houses you still get wet. When you are resolved from the beginning you will not be perplexed though you will still get the same soaking. This understanding extends to all things.” That’s life in a nutshell.

Sagittarius: Recruitment agencies have picked up my personal mobile number from LinkedIn or my CV and think that I somehow owe them a living. I’m happy to receive information via email but they just want to chat on the phone to serve themselves. I end up being pretty hostile. As an introvert I prefer to have my phone permanently set to ‘Do Not Disturb.’ It’s great — instead of ‘WHY ARE YOU PHONING ME’ I get to go ‘Oh someone phoned. I wonder if they left a message that I can listen to before I decide what to say if I call back.’ You might want to give this a try.

Capricorn: I ate cake and ice cream at the same time. Somehow my Dad managed to suck the joy out of the experience by moaning and complaining about trivial nonsense. There’s a metaphor for life in there somewhere. I probably shouldn’t have pointed it out to him at the time but Jesus Christ. How come Dads have the uncanny ability to drive you crazy? Do they take lessons or does it just come naturally to them after years of practice? You need to reflect upon your relationship with your own father. Is it more Atticus Finch or Darth Vader? Dad jokes are a special kind of evil.


James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. Sign up for his newsletter for the inside track on all his creative projects and unusual insights about life, work and travel.