Asshole Astrology: Week of 9 August 2021
Horoscopes for horrible people
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Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
Aquarius:
There is a difference between being a dick and having a dick — you should probably be taught that in infant school. What are your plans for the weekend? Or whisky whisky fun time as I like to call it. Mine are pretty self-explanatory. Give your weekend a ridiculous name that belies how you intend to spend it. You don’t have to tell anyone else. But you do need to try and live up to the name. Make your weekend so ridiculous that it is truly worthy of a ridiculous title.
Pisces:
One way to get lucid dreams is try to read or turn the lights on and off throughout the day, whilst you’re awake, to check if you’re asleep. Eventually you’ll attempt the same activity in your dreams but the dream world won’t behave the same as the real world. So you’ll try to read but the words will keep changing. Or you’ll turn the lights on and off but they won’t work properly. There’s a metaphor for life in there somewhere. Are you awake? No sleep ’til bedtime.
Aries:
Now that you’re old, what was once dismissed as the diffidence of youth is pulled apart as a monstrous character defect. There was an old person who never listened to good advice or common sense. You’re seriously in need of a good slap. If you’re under the age of 40, you should wait until you’re older — and if you’re over the age of 40, then you’re old enough to know better. Time to move on to the next phase. Might I suggest lecherous old crank? I find it quite agreeable.
Taurus:
As much as you want people to think you’re like Wednesday Addams from the Addams Family, you’re secretly more like Agnes from Despicable Me. From now on you must only talk about shiny happy things like Unicorns, lollipops and rainbows. Or you could always try being yourself. That means you get to become a superhero. A very weird superhero that strikes fear into the hearts of Unicorns everywhere. A rainbow butterfly fluffy-unicorn-hugging kitten with Doc Martens boots on.
Gemini:
There’s a world of difference between being an entertaining drunk and just entertaining drunks. Your days of drinking obnoxious drinks whilst listening to thrash are over. But your days of thrashing around with spilled drinks and obnoxious drunks are over a thing called ‘the weekend.’ Much like at weekends I’ve the lifestyle of a drunk, slothenly novelist, or washed-up comedian, but without the career success. You’re not an alcoholic — they go to meetings. You’re a drunk — they go to parties.
Cancer:
Always remember to be yourself. Unless you’re an asshole, then be someone who isn’t. Do you want to know the secret of how to get up early? Just don’t go to bed in the first place. Morning. Huh. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. People: You got up early! Brain: Up? Oh, they think you’ve been to sleep. How adorable. You: Yeah. You know me. *shifty eyes* Sleepy Town: population one. Insomnia Town: overrun by clowns. Sleep is for the weak. The early bird may catch the worm but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Leo:
Your financial papers have two moths living there. You put cedar mothballs in your walk-in wardrobe, to deter moths from eating your clothes, but they love it and have decided to take up permanent residence. What are you going to fight them with? Light bulbs? I dunno. A friend once told me her mother’s favorite expression was “D-I-N” standing for Do It Now. They may be metaphorical moths but it sounds like a smart way to handle this situation. Whatever you do, do it now.
Virgo:
This week you may want to go to the Dentist. Next week: clowns, public speaking, and spiders. There should be a panic mode on Sleep Apps called: “Can’t sleep, clowns will eat me.” It’s pretty self-explanatory. Lack of sleep, painkillers, sugar and caffeine have combined to make you a murderous little ball of rage and despair. On the other hand you are incredibly productive during your waking hours. You don’t procrastinate? Hmm, did you kill all the clowns?
Libra:
You sometimes forget that you can drink whisky and eat pizza whenever you want because you’re a grown-up. Adulting is hard — at least that’s what the grown-ups tell me. Is today a pizza day or a whisky day? Look in the mirror. I’ll let you be the judge of that one. You can even eat pizza for breakfast if you want. Of course eating pizza for breakfast is ‘not the norm’ — you rarely eat breakfast. Norm must lead a pretty dull, boring life if you stop to think about it.
Scorpio:
OBEY. NO INDEPENDENT THOUGHT. CONSUME. CONFORM. SUBMIT. SLEEP. WATCH TV. NO IMAGINATION. THIS IS YOUR GOD. FNORD. OBEY. NO INDEPENDENT THOUGHT. CONSUME. CONFORM. SUBMIT. SLEEP. WATCH TV. NO IMAGINATION. THIS IS YOUR GOD. FNORD. OBEY. NO INDEPENDENT THOUGHT. CONSUME. CONFORM. SUBMIT. SLEEP. WATCH TV. NO IMAGINATION. THIS IS YOUR GOD. FNORD. OBEY. NO INDEPENDENT THOUGHT. CONSUME. CONFORM. SUBMIT. SLEEP. WATCH TV. NO IMAGINATION. THIS IS YOUR GOD. HELLO MUM. FNORD.
Sagittarius:
You’re not in love. So don’t forget it. It’s just a silly phase you’re going through. Though playing devil’s advocate it has to be said that a little public embarrassment goes a long way. As Tom Robbins said: “We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” The Devil’s alright, it’s his accountants, lawyers and secretaries you need to watch out for. Do whatever you want. I’m not really The Devil’s Advocate — I’m just an intern.
Capricorn:
A woman posted photos of “Homemade Chips” to Twitter. I said “So chips then?” She was deeply offended. To me saying you made “Homemade Chips” is as ludicrous as saying “Homemade Toast.” As a spoonie I’m annoyed by grown-ass adults who want a pat on the back for doing basic shit. The world has gone mad. They said I had a good sized portion of “unnecessary snark” which I thought was quite amusing. Though the word unnecessary was of course deeply hurtful. I still cry about it sometimes when I’m drinking homemade tea.
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