Asshole Astrology — Week of 8 March 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: Is your hair really that colour? No I was struck by lightning. Why do you have long hair? Because I like it that way. Why do you have long hair? Because long hair suits me. Why do you have long hair? Because there’s nothing wrong with having long hair. Why do you have long hair? Because I’m scared of scissors. Why do you have long hair? To keep my ears warm. Why do you have long hair? Because I’m a Viking. Why do you have long hair? Fuck off and leave me alone. Could you be any more condescending? Probably not but I’m willing to give it a go. Why do you have long hair? *cuts hair*

Pisces: What do you write? Words. You’re a qualified journalist. Do you know how to hack phones? No. Wow is that shorthand? No I’ve just got really messy handwriting. Why’re you called Jim, I thought your name was James? Yes, Jim’s short for James. I thought Jamie was short for James? WTF! Can you speak Japanese? I can apologise very politely in Japanese for how bad my Japanese is. Do you look like your profile picture? No. I look like I ATE the person in my profile picture. Whole. And they’re trying to escape. How do you take your tea? SERIOUSLY. What did you do with your weekend? *speechless*

Aries: What’s your superpower? Tell the story of jewellery you own — where it comes from and what it means to you. How was your day? You’ve just been given a million dollars. What do you do with it and why? What music do you like? What’s the plot of the next book you want to read? Do you owe an apology to anyone? Why? What comes to mind when you think of your father? Has anyone died from KFC? What’s comes to mind when you think of your mother? How would your life change if you didn’t have rent or a mortgage to pay? What’s your greatest fear? What makes you notice someone? How do you keep going?

Taurus: Are you spiritual, religious, buddhist, agnostic or atheist? Do you think there’s one path to God or many? Yes. How many weeks does a bottle of whisky last you? A weekend. How do you measure your whisky? I drink it from a cup. What’s the Finnish vegan way to cook shrimp? With great difficulty. What do you get if you put two paranoid people in a room together? I don’t know. Do I?! WHO SENT YOU?! Answers to FAQ: Yes I’m sarcastic. Yes I’m grumpy. Yes I do think it’s funny. Don’t worry, I’m secretly fluffy. I’m much nicer in real-life, I promise. *drinks tea and listens to music*

Gemini: Yes you can #AskMeAnything — I’ll answer honestly or at the very least be witty and entertaining as I avoid the question. It’s fun but sometimes I wonder why you don’t just google it. Any questions? What are you like in real life? Does my bum look big in this? Compared to what? What food can’t you live without? What would you rather die than eat? Are northerners all raging alcoholics? Is your accent really just slurring? It was a simulation, everything played out differently, and Root lived, right? How many nerds does it take to ruin a joke? How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I’ll tell you later.

Cancer: 1) I almost invited two Mormon women into my house once because they were hot. Instead I told them I was Buddhist and offered to make them some soup. We chatted about religion for a while. They left confused. 2) The Book of Life is a film directed by Hal Hartley starring PJ Harvey. Jesus returns to earth intending to bring about the apocalypse but finds himself still fond of humanity. He even has a drink with the Devil. My favourite lines from the film: Edie: “Are you really the Devil?” Satan: “Yes.” Edie: “Would you like some soup?” [Satan *baffled*] Dave: “She’s a Buddhist.” These should not be thought of as separate things.

Leo: Is there any point posting YouTube videos about how to write etc when I’m a grumpy snarky sarcastic ugly old fart but have opinions and know things? If I was a young and pretty shiny happy millennial I could get by just stating the obvious and making shit up. I ask for a friend. Is there a way to make writing as rewarding as doing nothing, watching TV or playing video games? I ask for a friend. Are you ever too old to read comics, play videogames, or do anything I never did enough as a kid? I ask for a friend. How do you convey your introvert preferences and tendencies to extroverts without offending them? I ask for a friend.

Virgo: What’s the collective noun for shady, shallow, scheming, self-serving, sycophantic sociopaths? I ask for a friend. What’s the best way to sell off all your crap and unwanted personal posessions if you don’t have time to do it? I ask for a friend. What do you do when you suspect that you’d prefer to do anything else than what you currently do? I ask for a friend. How do you cut caffeine from your diet if 24 hours without a cup of tea makes you lose your lunch? I ask for a friend. Would you listen to a podcast of me reading my own work or blathering on about random things in a Yorkshire accent? I ask for a friend.

Libra: What are your ‘must have’ iPhone apps that you love, use every day or couldn’t you live without? I ask for a friend. Do you use a case or cover to protect your smartphone? I ask for a friend. Should I write about the horrible crap that’s going on in my life or keep it to myself? I ask for a friend. Does anyone want to volunteer as an unpaid social media intern for a writer? For example to help with the day-to-day social media management of a writer’s Medium and Twitter accounts. I ask for a friend. How do you make a hypersigil novel or magickal work of fiction? I ask for a friend. *looks innocent*

Scorpio: Would you watch screencasts of me writing? I ask for a friend. What would be the best SEO keywords for me to rank as given what I write? Writer? Independent journalist? Blogger? Author? World traveller? Digital nomad? Hobo? Sarcastic git? I ask for a friend. Mac or PC? I ask for a friend. Tea or Coffee? I ask for a friend. The answer is tea. I ask for a friend. You don’t have to be a teacher to teach, right? A writer, for example, could teach through their writing, right? I ask for a friend. Is “Join my cult” more persuasive than “Sign up for my newsletter”? I ask for a friend.

Sagittarius: Does anyone know the lyrics for ‘Hopey’ by Rosa Mota? I ask for a friend. When people say you’re so nice, you’re so sweet etc — don’t you just want to punch them?!! I ask for a friend. You know when you play a game for too long and can see it playing behind your eyes? After sleep? I ask for a friend. What should I do with my life? I ask for a friend. Is any age too old to become a screenwriter or novelist? I ask for a friend. Do you know any funny intelligent women who like sarcasm and ageing long-haired writerly English men with northern accents. I ask for a friend.

Capricorn: Have you ever fallen asleep mid-tweet? I ask for a friend. Is Instagram worth bothering with? I ask for a friend. What podcasts do you recommend? I ask for a friend. Is it a good or bad idea to post uncensored daily random musings from your notebooks to your blog? I ask for a friend. Is it possible to write 50,000 words in a week? I ask for a friend. Do you think a Facebook page is important for a writer? I ask for a friend. How do you deal with emotional book clutter? By that I mean stories you’ve had published, mementoes, gifts from friends, old books. I ask for a friend.