Asshole Astrology — Week of 8 February 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

新年快樂 Happy Chinese New Year for 12 February.

My Chinese sign is ‘Fire Snake’ which is way cooler than being a Crab.

Happy Valentines Day for 14 February especially to anyone who is single.

Do something nice for yourself this year.

Or at the very least try to make smug couples secretly jealous by being happy and content with your carefree existence.

Aquarius: Watson: “Why did a piece of fruit walk through the door?” Sherlock: “It’s a lemon entry, my dear Watson.” Thank you, I’m here all week. I do what I can. I’m literally too tired to be sarcastic. Your life is pretty awesome right now. The more you write, the more you’re right. Rule of thumb: When you don’t know what you need, or want, it’s probably sleep or water. My extrovert friends, family and loved ones measure ‘alone time’ in hours. I measure it in days. What introvert problems are you having? Some days you’re the cat. Some days you’re the mouse. Some days you’re the cheese.

Pisces: The shutdown of sites like Pirate Bay isn’t about digital piracy — it’s about corporate and government censorship of the internet. Sorry, wrong meeting. I’m glad you’re ok. Sounds like you’ve been given space for a creative project. But the devil also makes work for idle hands! “Cheat your landlord if you can and must, but do not try to shortchange the Muse.” Zen Student: “What is the way?” Zen Master: “Go!” I know we must look beyond our fandoms to a world where people love different things but if you ever diss The Very Hungry Caterpillar I WILL FUCK YOU UP!

Aries: It baffles me when a fandom’s sense of ownership of and entitlement to a creative work outstrips that of the original creator. Did you write it? No? You just read it, watched it, or enjoyed it? Ok, everyone, let’s gather round whilst the fandom tells us what should have happened. As someone who loves Harry Potter as an adult please feel free to share your fandom with a grumpy and curmudgeonly old muggle who doesn’t want to spend his time reading badly-written kids books just because they’re popular. Prepare to read Haruki Murakami in return.

Taurus: There are so many great books to read. Why is it unthinkable to obsessive fans that a grown ass adult isn’t interested in reading Harry Potter? I even received death threats for not wanting to read Harry Potter so at this point I also refuse to do so on general fucking principle. There isn’t enough time to be part of every single fandom and it’s ok for someone to not be. I find it obnoxious when people who are into something are hostile towards people that aren’t. I’ve LITERALLY had DEATH THREATS over Harry Potter and been told they hope I get cancer and die. Not the most persuasive argument I’ve ever heard about why I should read books for kids.

Gemini: I love when people say I’m missing out because I’m not into their fandom. As though my life is incomplete because I’ve not watched or read the same things as them. I’ve read other books and watched other films — I’ll live. I’ll be over here drinking tea and not giving a crap, ok? Fandoms aren’t important. I say that as a fan. Oh I know that your fandom matters to you. I’m just saying that in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. Being a fan of something doesn’t give you the right to treat people like trash for not liking the same things.

Cancer: Them: “Surely we can demand that you read and watch everything that our fandom loves, before judging it unworthy of your attention, and we have every right to hate you for not loving it?” Me: “No you don’t. Get a life. Grow the fuck up.” I’m paraphrasing but this is genuinely a frequently asked question that I get in one form or another. I find it weird when people who are part of a fandom, but try to be objective or critical about it, are rejected by other members of the same fandom for failing to love it without question. Grow up. This is why we can’t have nice things.

Leo: What’s the deal with so many middle-aged women writing Romance novels that are little more than thinly-veiled porn? Sorry, wrong meeting. The only romance on my shelves these days is William Gibson’s Neuromancer. *hold for laugh* Cyber-punk is great. It has the word ‘cyber’ in it so it must be good. I read a so-called news article about cyber-stalking. It basically said ‘If you tell people where you are, people will be able to find you.’ Who knew, man. Who knew. Please don’t ask writers to write for free. If we try to pay the rent, shop or buy food with ‘good exposure’ they just call the cops.

Virgo: I hereby admit to having no intention to read Harry Potter. I’ve never read Harry Potter — this says more about me than it does about you. I’ve never read Harry Potter beyond the first few pages of terrible prose. Don’t tell me that I’m missing out. I read the first few pages of the first Harry Potter book. Don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. You could literally say anything and add “That’s a Harry Potter reference” and I’d be none the wiser. Librarything is confident I “probably won’t like” Twilight or Harry Potter. This is one of the many reasons I love LibraryThing. Don’t get me started on Twilight.

Libra: Weird reasons I’ve been unfollowed on Twitter: English spelling (I’m English). American spelling. Tweeting too much. Tweeting too little. Liking the music of Nick Cave. Refusal to read Harry Potter. Being sarcastic. Telling jokes. Talking about depression. Because I’m ‘a narcissistic douchebag who needs therapy.’ People who respond to difficult, challenging, or provocative questions with moral indignation and answers like “How could you ask such a thing?” don’t understand how questions work. Just because you ask something doesn’t mean you approve. I ask questions about Harry Potter all the time.

Scorpio: I may write a book called Hating Harry Potter about how you should never insult Harry Potter. After all the rude things I’ve said about Harry Potter over the years I’ve decided to devote my time to making Harry Potter references just to fuck with you. Message from the future: “My name’s James and I’m dead now. Old age didn’t kill me. Nor did suicide, ill health, misadventure, a science experiment, horrific accident, or natural causes. In the end a bunch of Harry Potter fans kicked the shit out of me.” I bet you didn’t see that one coming. Fandoms are weird. This is what I’m saying.

Sagittarius: “Shall I compare thee to a summers day? No, you’d probably vomit. You’re sexy and smart, and I like you a lot, but I can’t sum you up in a sonnet.” I wrote that in a Valentine’s Day card once. The lucky woman who was the recipient of that card was not impressed. That’s pretty much all you need to know about me. Try to sleep. Too anxious? Counting sheep doesn’t help when each one is bleating “you’ll die alone and unfulfilled” as it jumps the fence. If you’re looking for something to read try A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami. It’s way too much fun to be boring.

Capricorn: I almost forgot to say ‘Happy Valentines Day.’ May your day be filled with lollipops and rainbows — or some other bollocks like that anyway. Happy Valentines Day… *glares at empty mailbox* I can’t even bring myself to say something dismissive about Valentine’s Day — you kids have fun. I’ve decided to spend #ValentinesDay curled up with a bottle of wine, a film and my favourite person in the world. That’s right, I’m single. For you it’s Valentine’s Day. For me it’s listen to My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult, drink whiskey in my underwear, watch Amelie and cry. Less Valentine, more massacre. Sorry, wrong meeting.