Asshole Astrology — Week of 7 September 2020

Horoscopes for Horrible People

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

You still need to read each sign because they’re all secretly about you.

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Aquarius: When the Romans said “Not a day without a line” they meant writing, not coke. You might be feeling overwhelmed this week but that’s no excuse to go off the rails. Sex. Drugs. Rock and Roll. That’s a good idea. Read. Learn. Be Inspired. That’s a better one. If only for this week. On the subject of Coke are you a Coke or Pepsi kind of person? What do you mean you prefer Pepsi? You backed the wrong team. I don’t really care; just being a contrarian. I don’t drink either any more. Coca-Cola are the Evil Empire. Take the taste test challenge for your life.

Pisces: What’s the deal with so many middle-aged women writing Romance novels that are little more than thinly-veiled porn? Sorry, wrong meeting. They say that bad books are worth reading if only to show you what not to do. Don’t do it! Read a good book instead. Life’s too short to read bad books. Read A Wild Sheep Chase by Haruki Murakami, The Sailor Who Fell from Grace with the Sea by Yukio Mishima, any book with a dead author and more words than pictures. Likewise my blog gives an idea of what I write. Don’t read it! Just give me all of your money. We live in hope.

Aries: You can put Master of Avoidance on your CV but the only thing you’re avoiding right now is bankruptcy. If you don’t have the money to pay someone else to do stuff then you have to do it yourself. It’s not all bad; at least this way you learn how to do lots of things. But DIY sucks? Exactly! You’re probably right but sadly you don’t have the luxury of infinite time so you have to prioritise what’s most likely of interest. Which is naff all apparently given some of your previous efforts. If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we’d all have a merry Christmas.

Taurus: The poet Stevie Smith said of depression: “I was much too far out all my life. And not waving but drowning.” Sounds legit. Nobody’s coming to rescue you. They all think you’re waving at them when instead you’re drowning. Don’t worry, you’re among friends. Finally! You’d been told there were others out here but started to think it wasn’t true. I’ll put the kettle on. Do you like cake? Have some cake. We’re always on the lookout for interesting writerly people to connect with. You can survive this. Swimming lessons start this week.

Gemini: Do you have a monkey on your back? That’s ok. Someone might use it as a target. I never got the phrase “If you pay peanuts you get monkeys.” Surely it’s elephants that like peanuts? That’s what you get for watching Dumbo about a hundred times. Surely if you want monkeys you have to pay top banana? They say infinite monkeys could eventually write Shakespeare. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like a typewriting monkey. “If it’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey it’s probably very cold indeed. Or shorts weather to a Northerner.” Wise words indeed.

Cancer: Today roughly 150,000 people died worldwide. But none of them were famous or newsworthy, so there’s no need to talk about it, which is nice. Are you outraged by outrage media? Sick of celebrity? Ready to cancel cancel culture? You could rip your phone out of the wall in disgust but that gesture no longer makes sense in 2020. Maybe just turn your phone off and put it in a drawer instead. Don’t watch the news. Turn off the TV. Go do something else. Literally anything else. Life’s a better use of your time. Spare a thought for the real world happening every day.

Leo: Remember in the TV show Utopia how The Network tried to sterilise most of the human race with a protein they hid in a vaccine for a Russian flu epidemic whose outbreak caused mass hysteria? People said the plot was far-fetched and that people wouldn’t panic. Sorry, wrong meeting. Are you trolling trolls again? Stop it. I know you’re only joking but nowadays you have to specify that every time you open your mouth. Draw the line at when someone can’t tell that a joke, clearly labelled as a joke, is a joke. Those people probably aren’t the best use of your time.

Virgo: Have you ever noticed how extremely positive people are actually quite passive aggressive, dishonest and conceited? Whereas grumpy and sarcastic people may be a bit curmudgeonly but at least they mean well and are honest, funny and friendly? I ask for a friend. You can keep your fake positivity. Hell is a room full of positive people who don’t understand sarcasm and are hellbent on lifting your mood. Do your best to be witty and entertaining even in your darkest moods. At least until the thought police call the cops. Fuck the police. Fuck the polite.

Libra: I’m starting to think that Americans are all members of a crazy puritanical cult based on productivity, positivity and prostitution in the name of capitalism. They don’t understand that not everyone wants to work work work. I say Americans I mean humans. I say not everyone, I mean me. Which side are you on? I’m not judging you; I’m just an opportunist. A real astrologer would tell you to consult Mars but the only Mars you need is the chocolate bar. A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play. And you’d be a liar and a communist for suggesting otherwise.

Scorpio: Repeat after me: “I am not freaking out. I am not freaking out. I am not freaking out. I am not freaking out. I am not freaking out. #freakingout” As long as there isn’t a wolf outside threatening to huff and puff and blow your house down; you’re fine. Thank Crunchie it’s Friday. Have a great weekend. What do you mean it’s Monday? It’s a sign! It means that you should eat the Crunchie now. You have the love and support of the universe within you and around you. There’s no need to be a dick aobout it. Sorry, wrong meeting. Tenga un buen dia sarcástico!

Sagittarius: You know how you keep yelling at people to buy your book? And carpet bomb social media with links to buy your book? Well it finally paid off. I went to a bookshop and bought a cup of tea and a flapjack. So thanks for that. Did I buy your book? Not yet but any excuse to drink more tea. Maybe you should try talking to people instead of marketing at them? But what do I know? People shouldn’t offer unsolicited advice; that’s my advice. When people start their sentences with: “I think you should” “Why don’t you” and so on I secretly want to punch them in the face.

Capricorn: I love it when someone makes something that happens in your life into an opportunity to talk about themselves, somehow makes it all about them, or even finds a way to profit off the back of your misadventures by writing about it and bad-mouthing you behind your back. Stay classy. Sometimes I read something that people have said in response to something I wrote online and think: “Well, aren’t you something. Aren’t you just darling. Aren’t you just the most charming, witty, and adorable human being? Such intelligence and erudition.” I did say sometimes, right?


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