Asshole Astrology: Week of 7 June 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: You love your new powers of invisibility. When I say ‘new’ I mean ‘intrinsic.’ When I say ‘love’ I mean ‘lament.’ People berate you for noticing their innate strangeness. Maybe that’s why you keep getting into trouble. Honesty isn’t always the best policy. I’m not sure why we live in a Hell World where honesty is mean but here we are. I don’t pretend to know how you feel but I genuinely hope you’re ok. I’m there if you ever want to talk to a random stranger.

Pisces: You’re literally one of the smartest and hardest-working people I know. Keep up the hard work. Robots of the future depend on it. Don’t be coy. Everyone knows that you’re secretly building a robot army. You may be hard working but you’ve never been good at keeping secrets. For example, you’ve secretly had Monty Python songs stuck in your head all day, and been singing them to yourself, even during meetings. It’s not a secret: We can hear every single word that you sing.

Aries: I want to write a story where someone attempts to uncover the truth about which secret society is behind our world pulling the strings. They find that THEY’RE the head honcho, the big bad, the puppet master. And worse: that’s true for ALL of us. The Illuminati’s a practical joke. Newsflash: You live in that world. The Devil didn’t make you do it. The Devil thinks you’re an idiot and need to show some initiative. Sorry, wrong meeting. My work here is done. Goodnight everybody.

Taurus: Just do it — it may be the meaningless slogan of a greedy corporate sweatshop facilitator but it’s still good advice. What a shame that a shop you like is no longer on the high street. Never mind that the asshole billionaire who owned it has basically put thousands of people out of work and run off with their pensions. He’s got away scot-free. It’s a tragedy because you bought a coat there once? Yeah, I’m not really sure that I follow your logic on that one.

Gemini: They say that: “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” That’s great in theory but not in practice. Honesty is the best policy — except, you know, when it isn’t. Are you a Mac or a PC person? To be honest I’m generally a Mac person but it’s far better to be someone who doesn’t identify as either and can use a Mac or PC when it suits them. I’m not really just talking about Mac or PC here. I’m talking about beliefs. What truth do you believe?

Cancer: Please don’t argue with logic about things that people said with sarcasm. A punchline is the orderly queue that forms next to annoying people. In your head Rocky and Drago are fighting. In theirs two people are talking but has missed the point. People are really not in the mood for having their jokes dissected like frogs. Life is a joke. Death is the punchline. The people who get this dig irony and appreciate sarcasm. A sense of humour is optional; but it does help.

Leo: Nothing can stop you eating Yule log for breakfast except a sense of shame. Shame shame I know your name. There’s no point in feeling guilty about your minor indiscretions if no-one saw or you didn’t get caught. What I mean to say is that nothing can stop you from doing whatever you want, and whenever you want, so long as you have no sense of shame. In short, nothing can stop you. Is that clear and unambiguous enough for you? You have no shame. This is what I’m saying.

Virgo: Maybe I didn’t treat you quite as good as I should have. Maybe I didn’t love you quite as often as I could have… Maybe you need to grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself? Maybe get a life? Maybe I should write demotivational posters for a living? Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t really matter. There’s always time to be sarcastic and if it annoys people who don’t appreciate sarcasm then it’s time well spent. YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND. YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND.

Libra: Noam Chomksy said: “It is the responsibility of intellectuals to speak the truth and expose lies.” Where do your responsibilities take you? Mine take me to the kettle and back every 15 minutes to make a cup of tea. Your mileage may vary. Of course you’re made of awesome. It’s genetic. But with great power comes great responsibility. In Star Wars you’d be R2D2 rather than C3PO. I hope you know that you’re loved, appreciated, and not in fact secretly annoying.

Scorpio: Listening to unabridged audiobooks whilst out and about is a great way to read when you don’t have time to read. Give it a try. But you’re listening, not reading, so call it what it is. Don’t say reading. I’m familiar with the concept of books thanks. Consuming AUDIObooks is LISTENing, not READing. Did I miss a meeting? Is listening to audiobooks cheating? No. Of course not. If it wasn’t for audiobooks and text-to-speech I’d rarely get any ‘reading’ done.

Sagittarius: You’re not OCD. You have OCD. Or possibly too much time on your hands. You can’t *be* a disorder. You have one. You’re obsessive compulsive about people who say that they’re OCD because it’s grammatically incorrect. Good point. Personally I’m far more irritated by people who use OCD to mean uptight; thereby belittling a serious condition. What are you OCD about? Do you find The Big Bang Theory amusing, rather than funny, but continue to watch it compulsively?

Capricorn: How do you keep idiots in suspense? I’ll tell you later. Your main concern when you talk to people is that you sound like a blithering idiot. You also worry that you’re boring them to death. So, you know, the opposite of Twitter where no-one ever worries about that at all. That’s my honestly held opinion, clearly identified as comment, and based on provable facts. As Shakespeare said: “I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!”


James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel. Subscribe to Asshole Astrology for regular horoscopes.