Asshole Astrology — Week of 7 December 2020

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Get 30 day free trial

Aquarius: God is a name for whatever came before the big bang. God created the universe and it unfolded according to the laws of science. That’s what god does. My toaster makes toast. That’s its job. As much as I love toast, I don’t worship my toaster or kill in its name. God is a toaster. This is what I’m saying. Cliff Richard is a Christian. Give me the Devil’s music over that any day of the week. When I fly I usually listen to Highway to Hell during take off so that if we die in a crash there’s no confusion about where I belong. The party, and the best music, is downstairs.

Pisces: Ruthlessly cut out distractions. All those productivity articles that tell you to make your phone’s screen greyscale are for amateurs. I changed my laptop screen to greyscale. And turned on dark mode. It reduces eye strain, distraction and procrastination. It also sucks the joy out of every activity other than writing. Which was the whole point. I’d love to design an app that made everything greyscale except when you use certain apps (eg. you want to write so every time you use Scrivener it’s full colour but do anything else and you’re back to the joyless grey).

Aries: What deep dark secrets do you have? Will people really think less of you if you tell them? Every time I see a picture of a dog or cat on the internet I secretly boop its nose. Tonight in the bath I sang ‘Run to the Hills’ by Iron Maiden in the voice of Donald Duck. How was your day? I like to sing Iron Maiden songs in the bath in the voice of Donald Duck. That’s everything you need to know about me. Sadly I also snore like Donald Duck and yawn like a Wookiee. Nobody said I’m perfect. Do you think less of me now you know? The world would be a much better place if more people sang like Donald Duck.

Taurus: I don’t know how to break this to you but you probably are a super-villain. Extroverts count ‘necessary time for yourself’ in hours; introverts in days. I can go months without needing company. My phone is permanently set to Do Not Disturb. It never rings and always goes straight to voicemail. Why? Because I hate people calling me unannounced. If you’re an introvert at heart then until you can save up enough for your very own Fortress of Solitude you need to try a much cheaper creative solution: Earplugs. Failing that perhaps you can find better friends.

Gemini: How are you? I’m not in the best mood today but when I’m angry I look ridiculous because I’m usually so adorable. Someone asked me: “How do you hug someone who doesn’t want to be hugged?” Here are some detailed instructions on how to hug me: Don’t. I love you but I use the terms I, love, and you extremely loosely. Instead of showering people with unwanted affection why not try random acts of kindness instead? That sounds much more appealing. Within reason. Just so long as you don’t end up with a rota for your randomness. To do is to be. To be is to do. Doobie doobie doo.

Cancer: Freedom of speech means nothing without freedom of thought. I read it on a t-shirt so it must be true. That’s the smartest and funniest thing you will see all day. Until someone shows you the next thing. Please don’t ask me to not swear. There’s no such thing as bad language — only bad grammar, spelling and punctuation. You’re a profanity enabler. I mean that in a good way. Don’t tell me to shut up or do rude gestures with your hands. These are not the mimes you are looking for. Mime kink? That definitely belongs on your list of things not to confess out loud.

Leo: The only way to have an informed critical opinion on a book or film, regardless of your opinion, is to read it or watch it. There is no such thing as a book you shouldn’t read. Full-stop. Never ever ever. If you don’t read a book then you don’t have the right to complain about it. To destroy a physical book is a mortal sin. Deleting an ebook on the other hand? Not so much. “Don’t argue with idiots. They’ll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” You can’t argue with that. Let other people have the last word… Yeah, but!

Virgo: Only the good die young. Prepare for the long haul. Everybody dies, some of us live, and few of us get to decide who tells our story. Making art is like living with a woman. Nothing is ever as it seems but you still need to try. Sit with your novel. Just look at it. When you can’t stand it any longer begin writing. Time passes no matter what you do so you may as well spend it in the company of a good book. Or in your case the terrible book that you’re trying to give birth to. Don’t worry; it will all be over soon enough. As in art so in life.

Libra: It’s a digital world but it belongs to the storytellers. Storytelling is sacred. That’s why you should write. Netflix and the like don’t understand this of course. To them it’s all about money and metrics. Lorrie Moore said: “A short story is a love affair, a novel is a marriage. A short story is a photograph; a novel is a film.” Netflix say a short story is a limited series and a novel is canceled after two seasons because they ran the numbers. There should be a three season or three film limit on every TV show — beginning, middle, end. If a story is worth telling then it’s worth telling all the way through.

Scorpio: Laptops don’t drink tea. Apparently. Don’t spill tea on your computer. This is what I’m saying. You could yell “Buy my book! Buy my course! Give me your money!” at me even though we’ve never met. Or you could offer me a cup of tea and talk to me about cartoons like Adventure Time and Bojack Horseman. Which strategy do you think works best for getting me to read your work? Being understanding is probably the best approach. Try to talk with people rather than market at them. I’ll stick to drinking tea and cursing. *drinks tea and tries to think happy thoughts*

Sagittarius: You’re wasting your life. Stop that. I’m not telling you how to live. But when you’re eating breakast cereal from a cup, using chopsticks, it’s probably time to do the washing-up. When you’re listening to Rob Zombie as ‘happy-making music’ you know you’re in trouble. Drinking red wine whilst completing job applications? You really didn’t think this through now did you? Nobody wants to read a tear-stained CV. What’s that you say? ‘What do you think I should do? Ok, thanks, I’ll try to do the exact opposite of that.” You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Capricorn: What should you do on your first day back from vacation? Book your next vacation. There’s no such thing as too much travel. Except, you know, when you’re not allowed to travel. Adopt a travel mindset even in lockdown. If I had all the money in the world I’d buy tea and books. *looks around at my existing stash of tea and books* And travel. That’s about it. What are you missing? Where do you want to go? What can you do to bring some of that into your life right now? “You can’t go back and you can’t stand still. If the thunder don’t get you then the lightning will.”