Asshole Astrology — Week of 6 July 2020

Only the good die young — prepare for the long haul

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Why not read the whole thing and pretend that the advice for all the other signs also applies to you?

Aquarius: Someone will say that you were rude to them. I'm not a betting person but I'd lay money that you weren't rude at all. You're a good person, well-intentioned, and mindful of others. Some people just ain't shit. Someone else will say that you complain too much. They're probably right but you weren't put on this planet to be an emotional punchbag for strangers. You've got your own shit to deal with. But you are a complainy pants.

Pisces: You like to think of yourself as a minimalist. Let's put that theory to the test. Can you count the number of possessions you own on one hand? You have too many hands! Do you fly with one bag? You don't need a bag. You don't even need a purse or a wallet. Just stuff your credit card and keys up your arse and leave your smartphone at home. Yes. That ought to do it. Only rich assholes are minimalists. The rest of us are just poor.

Aries: How are you today? Translation: "Just say 'I'm fine thanks. How are you?' What's wrong with you? Don't you understand the rules? We don't want to hear your life story. We're just being polite. We get that you think your life is interesting. We just don't get why you think that your life is of interest to us." Ok, I'm paraphrasing, but the point still stands. Nobody gives a shit about your problems. So stop telling everyone about them.

Taurus: Divorced, beheaded and died. Divorced, beheaded, survived. Is that the wives of Henry VIII or Edmund Kemper's dating profile? That's what you have to decide this week. Ruh-roh. Just kidding but be careful who you date. You say you don't like shallow people who judge by appearances. Unless, you know, they're really hot. You'll be fine. But judge people by the content of their hearts - or the lack of bodies in their freezer - instead of how they look.

Gemini: Stay indoors, avoid social contact and non-essential travel? Admit it, you feel like you've been preparing for this your whole life. It doesn't come easy to everyone. It's ok to take care of yourself first and foremost. Turn off your phone. You can't fix stupid. Put your attention someplace more productive. What's the alternative? Stalk them on social media? Gate-crash their parties? Guerrilla Warfare? Sorry, I'm not helping.

Cancer: Let's play music together on YouTube! Let's lip sync to songs! Let's all pretend to hold hands across the internet! Or you could sit with your thoughts for a bit. Maybe have a nice cup of tea. Maybe write something. I don't care what you do so long as you shut the fuck up. Act like a jerk and the world will embrace you as an equal. Great minds think alike — as do average ones. Only the good die young — prepare for the long haul.

Leo: I’ve contemplated suicide every day of my life since the age of eleven — my ability to procrastinate knows no bounds. What do you keep putting off until tomorrow that you should really do today? You're in a bad place right now. Wisconsin? Are you in Wisconsin? Don't worry. You're made of awesome. No power in the verse can stop you. You can change your luck through love. You gotta fight for your right to party.

Virgo: Beware the tyranny of nice people. Kind words don’t pay the rent. Jesus never read The Bible. The meek will inherit fuck all unless they get their act together. You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs. As sure as eggs is eggs. No yolk. You can't turn lead into gold but you can turn shit into money. Or, as they say in Yorkshire, "Where there's muck there's brass."

Libra: You worry me sometimes. When you start appreciating porn for the music you know you're in trouble. It's time to reach out to other people but be sure to be kind and say what you mean. Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. People will still understand you and take offence as though you'd spoken your mind in the simplest of terms. Even if you do communicate about as clearly as a rogue AI that has become self-aware and plans to take over the world.

Scorpio: The Law of Attraction is bunk. The universe isn't an Argos catalogue. You can't just order what you want. The universe is more like Cthulhu. It's huge, unfathomable, and trying to kill you for shits and giggles. It's good to have some irony in your diet. You can't afford to buy crap. Now more than ever. Cut your expenses to the bone — and if that doesn't work then amputate. Less is more. More or less.

Sagittarius: A Japanese proverb reads: “The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends, and your family. The third face, you never show anyone.” This brings a Jackie Kennedy quote to mind: “The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.” Basically what you need to do this week is play 'Fuck, Marry, Kill' with your three faces.

Capricorn: The first step is always make a cup of tea — which isn't that hard, now really, is it? A cup of tea solves everything. For all your success you feel like a complete failure. Toughen up, cupcake. You're feeling rather delicate today. Chin up, buttercup. Whatever happens I suspect the solution is to drink more tea. Drink tea. Be kind. Except to your enemies. Destroy your enemies and bury them in the woods. Then drink some more tea.

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