Asshole Astrology: Week of 5 July 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: You’re at the age when young people think you’re an old fart, old people think you’re a young pup, and you think they’re both wrong. That awkward moment when Satan seems like a perfectly acceptable role model. Do your best to reclaim some of your attention. Sit and listen to a full album all the way through without skipping a single track. Every request, call for your attention, or item on your to do list can be answered with: “I could do that or I could drink tea.”

Pisces: All writers are assholes; but not all assholes are writers. So it’s better to be an asshole who writes than one who doesn’t. Ok SOME writers are assholes. NOT YOU, I’m sure that you’re lovely. SOME assholes are writers but the less said about them the better. But it isn’t as funny if I say: “Some writers are assholes — but not you, I’m sure that you’re lovely.” As Al Capone said: You get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.

Aries: “We will outlast you,” the demon said. The Buddhist laughed: “You said that last time.” Sometimes the strangers we meet are demons; sometimes they’re angels. Mostly there’s no real difference between the two. The Devil’s alright — it’s his accountants, lawyers and admin you have to watch out for. In the words of Thomas the Tank Engine: “How can I know what’s what if you don’t tell me what what is.” If angels exist in this world they’re probably homeless.

Taurus: As much as you’d love listening to an audiobook of Tolstoy’s ‘Anna Karenina’ whilst out walking I don’t advise chuckling to yourself in public about ‘those crazy Russians.’ People frown upon that. Apparently. The occult virtues are to know, to dare, to will and to keep silence. I’m just saying. You’ve got to be flexible to reach your dreams — or to touch your toes. The truth is like a wet fart — painful, messy, but better out than in. You’re American or American’t.

Gemini: Set a time when you’ll write and stick to it. If you’re at work, write in the toilet. If you’re with friends, rest on them whilst you write. Don’t give up when you get stuck — lower your standards and keep going. According to Chuck Palahniuk: “Ideas come at any moment — except when you demand them.” You know you’re a writer when you write. It’s that simple. The higher you climb, the more you hold on. The more you hold on, the higher the chance that you’ll fall.

Cancer: Tattoos are graffiti on the body. Graffiti is a tattoo on the world. You’re a strange cookie. That just makes you smarter than most humans. And dunkable in a cup of tea. People want to help people they already know, love, like or admire that are likely to succeed — not people they just met online. I’m just putting that out there. Remember the Zen koan: “Who is the Master who makes the grass green?” You already know the answer to that question. Act accordingly for once.

Leo: It is always easier to ride the bus in the direction that it’s going. Go straight to Facebook. Do not pass Twitter. Do not collect £200. Stay there. Shut up. If you don’t stop tweeting about what you’re watching on television I’ll cut the plug off. And, no, that isn’t a weird euphemism. I’m just saying. Beware of Weird Twitter — as though telling strangers what you eat for breakfast isn’t weird enough already. “You’re so famous on Twitter!” said no-one ever.

Virgo: Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do. I have a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee. If you are wise, you’ll listen to me. Do you ever feel like Ferriss Bueller? I’m pretty sure he took the day off. You had an avocado for breakfast. I’m pretty sure you’re a pod-person and the real you is dead. You’ve got a serious case of Updog. What’s Updog? Nothing, dawg. What’s up with you? Works every time. They say that love’s a universal language. Sadly sarcasm isn’t.

Libra: We’d like to tell you about our opportunity for writers. Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money. Everybody is talented because everybody who is human has something to express. I like the idea that all writing is rewriting. So editing is where the real work begins, and where you make it better. Rather than just rant about writing, you might actually want to, you know, do a bit of… What’s the word?

Scorpio: You know how sometimes you can’t tell if you’re stressed, nervous, having a panic attack or just excited? Well, that. Life is a story. Spoiler alert: you die at the end. If you died today would the world remember your name beyond a handful of family and friends? Live your dream. Today’s a good day to start. Build the world from what you dream. All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.

Sagittarius: Your thoughts are like the bubbles in a jacuzzi. Some of them are a bit, you know, suspicious. Learn sarcasm. It’s in the dictionary. Shut up. When it comes to writing are you a plotter or a pantser? Chaotic, lawful or neutral? Yes. Both. Either. Could you repeat the question? Not deciding is always a bad decision. Who knew you were so Zen? You’ve got this. Your ability to procrastinate knows no bounds. You can’t trust atoms; they make up everything. I’ll see myself out.

Capricorn: I know you want to Netflix and chill. But Netflix? Can’t you steal stuff from the internet like normal people? Instead of censoring the internet why don’t we accept piracy is inevitable and charge ISP’s a piracy tax that’s paid as royalties to artists? If you had a cookie and could make copies of it you wouldn’t say it’s a copyrighted cookie, go buy your own. You’d make copies for friends. Cory Doctorow said it best: “The enemy isn’t piracy; it’s obscurity.” Yarrr!

James Garsideis an independent journalist and writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel. Subscribe to Asshole Astrology for regular horoscopes.