Asshole Astrology — Week of 5 April 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: My Dad is angry with me about a teaspoon that I haven’t used yet. He’s angry because he knows that when I make a cup of tea I will use a teaspoon and that will make a mess. I’m not sure how this works. Because when he uses the kitchen that does not count as making a mess even if he leaves pots everywhere. It’s only when I use the kitchen at all that it constitutes a mess. I need to leave this place. I need a lot of money. It’s time to find a job or rob a bank or something. Muahahahaha. Nothing. *looks innocent* I’m Daria and Grosse Pointe Blank is one of my favourite romantic comedies. That’s pretty much all you need to know about me. I say me but I really mean you.

Pisces: The early bird catches the worm but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. You hate when people ask a question and instead of answering the question someone answers the question that they think is what you’re really asking or somehow secretly behind the reason why you asked the question. You’re not that sophisticated. If you ask a question it’s because you want it answered. Decision to make: You can either be sociable or go for an eight mile walk with headphones on. Well that was easy. You: “Oh, I quit. I can’t go on. Kill me now.” Brain: “Would you like a cup of tea?” You: “HELL YEAH!” Put the kettle on.

Aries: You considered a pseudonym so that you could write controversial things. Maybe you should write under your own name until the controversy gets so bad that you actually need a pseudonym under which to be respectable? I tried to write an angry screed but couldn’t get worked up enough about it. Who am I? What is life? What have you done with James? I’m glad I made you laugh out loud. Nothing pleases me more than to think that I made someone laugh. Even when I’m sat in a pub with friends, but haven’t said much, I’ll sometimes say one thing and have everyone in stitches. It’s the best feeling, isn’t it?

Taurus: Dear Employers, Thanks for your “exciting opportunity” to work full-time for free without expenses. But no thanks. Yours, Unemployed Interns Everywhere. I was advised to not wear a black shirt with my business suit because it makes me look ‘serious and unapproachable.’ [insert punchline here] I’ll get right on it. Whisky. I have whisky. *stares at empty vodka bottles* Fine. FINE. And bring me vodka. It’s always nice to meet someone who is fluent in sarcasm. Life’s too short for trolls — look up sarcasm in the dictionary and shut the fuck up. Why do people tweet their TV schedule? No-one cares what you’re watching.

Gemini: Your dog loves you! Cats on the other hand just want food, and would hunt and kill you if you weren’t so much bigger than them. All cats are inherently evil. That’s one of the many things I love about them. I’m a cat person. Kidding! No pets at the moment but I love both. Left to my own devices, my house would become a zoo for rescued animals. All cats are assholes. That’s why I love them. All dogs are good dogs. That’s why I love them. Dogs are better than people. Dogs are good judges of character. Cats are just assholes. Cats secretly (or blatantly) rule all of our lives. Again I say that with love for both.

Cancer: When marketers or productivity experts speak I like to pretend that they’re constipated and making stupid noises, gurning and straining, whilst they try to take a dump. “Find your nitch!” “Crush it!” “No pain no gain!” “Double down!” “To the max!” You’re welcome. It’s amazing how much marketing guff sounds like a euphemism if you put your mind to it. Maybe I’ve just got a filthy mind. I’m pretty sure I can use this to my advantage when I write about marketing. Is your content sticky? You need to make it sticky! I’m now a porn star. Writer. I meant writer. #GetInMyFunnel

Leo: The only thing you have to fear is fear itself… and spiders. Fuck spiders. I’m seeing a potential opening for ‘Procrastination Pirate’. You have time and energy? I’m in awe of you. I’ve been told I grin like the Joker. So, you know, there’s that. I know you shouldn’t email when you’re angry, but I’m not going to write ‘angry emails’ when I feel fluffy now, am I? Several creative professionals have told me that I’ve got an interesting background. My first thoughts: “How do they know? How did they uncover my secret identity? Did they find the bodies? Who sent them?!!” Followed swiftly by: “Oh, you meant on LinkedIn? Sorry, wrong meeting.”

Virgo: When is your birthday? How old are you? Do you qualify for a free bus pass yet? Natalie Goldberg said you should: “Write what you are not willing to speak about.” Is there a form of fiction where you basically just get drunk, rant incoherently and are increasingly bitter and sarcastic? I could do that. What’s the collective noun for bad decisions? To be honest, I don’t think I’ve got a great reading voice — my audience would just be people baffled by my accent. “Write Something, You Miserable Fuck” is the name of the autobiography I haven’t written yet. Here’s a picture of a cat. The cat can’t spell. And that’s funny.

Libra: Studies show that cats crave attention and forget their owners if neglected or absent too long. This is why I generally prefer the company of cats. Cats will rule the world someday. I love and respect cats — I’d never try to put words in their mouths. Please don’t post pictures of cats on the internet unless they’re yours and do something interesting. I LOVE CATS — I just hate the internet. Would you punch a shark or tickle a tiger? I’d tickle a tiger. I love cats and tigers probably have a better sense of humour than sharks. Who knows, I may even live to tell the tale.

Scorpio: It has come to your attention that you’re just another mortal human and not some immortal, god-like, mythical creature. You’re not happy about this. When you retreat from the world, to write, in a strange way it means you’re more engaged with how the world really is. Me: “Does semi-fictional narrative non-fiction gonzo travel-writing exist?” Brain: “Yes, idiot. It’s called A NOVEL.” If only you could give writing the same level of focused attention as playing Grand Theft Auto. I’m literally too tired to be sarcastic. I’m not writing lines. That would involve writing. Well, duh!

Sagittarius: You know when you have to get rid of ‘everything’ from ‘everyone’ just so you can let go of ‘those things’ from ‘that person’? Well, that. You know those nights that end with you drinking whisky in your underwear whilst watching Archer and laughing hysterically? Same thing. Do you describe yourself as a productivity ninja, SEO wizard or social media guru? Use your faux expertise to slam the door on your way out. I went through my copy of ‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’ with a red pen and corrected all the mistakes. You don’t have to make sense. You don’t have to take shit from anyone. And you’re allowed to contradict yourself. *hides whisky* The only too old is dead.

Capricorn: If at first you don’t succeed, break the rules. “If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” There’s no such thing as bad language — except bad grammar, spelling and punctuation. Write the way that you speak. “A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.” “Writing is like making love. Don’t worry about the orgasm, just concentrate on the process.” “Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of, but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.” Now, I am become Editor, the destroyer of exclamation marks.