Asshole Astrology: Week of 31 May 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: People misunderstand what karma means. It’s not things happening as a result of your actions. Your karma is what you do. If you do something bad then living with that is your punishment. If you do something good then living with that is your reward. Even the distinction between good and bad karma is too moralistic and misses the point. It is your karma to have to live with everything you’ve ever thought, felt, or done. Maybe think about that a while before you act.

Pisces: You have finally realised that there’s no need to worry about anything so long as you’re taking appropriate action and moving in the right direction. You’ll probably be fine. Things will probably work out for the best. You may one day be expected to account for your sins; but in theory that happens to everyone, eventually, so what do you care? If you think that eternal damnation is the worst thing that can happen to you then you’ve got a lack of imagination.

Aries: It’s ok to be whatever and whoever you are. Gender and sexuality are on sliding scales. And any form of intimacy, sexual or otherwise, between any number or combination of consenting adults is nobody’s business but the people involved. You love who you love. You have human rights, irrespective of gender, race, sexuality or anything else, because you’re human. The clue is in the word ‘human.’ If some humans don’t have them then they’re not ‘human rights’ now are they?

Taurus: Your emotional outlook is cloudy with brief sunshine and occasional showers. The good news is you don’t have to go anywhere or be anything. Try living in the here and now for a change. Life’s made up of small moments — make of them what you need. Life is full of these moments, but they don’t add up to a life by themselves. You have to try to figure out where you are at the moment — in the moment, moment to moment, for all moments. This is harder than it sounds.

Gemini: What books have changed your life? If you were immortal then you’d probably still spend most of your time reading books. Why change the habit of a lifetime? You don’t borrow books from a library for the same reasons that you couldn’t bring yourself to foster children. You have to give them back if someone else wants them. Now is a great time to read all those books you’ve been meaning to read but never get around to. Remember what the Dormouse said: Feed your head!

Cancer: We’re in the midst of a global pandemic. Your pet hate at the moment is people who snipe at you about trivial nonsense. Needless to say, in that case, you should probably stay off of social media for a while. Kindness is key. Can’t we just respect each other’s rights to our individual opinions and try to be kind to one another? As Henry James said: “Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”

Leo: Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. Do you remember nostalgia? Those were the days. It’s no good trying to live in the past. You’re right in the here and now. This is a gift. Why do you think it’s called the present? That might not be literally the case but you get the idea. Embrace the present. You know the new thing that you want to try that will help you grow personally and professionally? That’s a kind of success, right? Focus on doing that instead.

Virgo: Procrastination is like chess: you can treat it as an art, a science or a sport — or just something you do when it’s raining. Don’t call procrastination laziness. Call it what it is. Call it fear. Fear of not being good enough, not finishing, failure, success, beginning at all. At the end of your days do you think you’d like the chance to go back in time and get a few years extra life? Do the math and stop watching TV. You will literally achieve the same result.

Libra: A bratty teenager was asked to explain the difference between igorance and apathy. He said: “I don’t know and I don’t care.” You’re not a nihilist because you don’t care. You’re a nihilist because you care too much. Stop playing miserable. Everyone knows that you love rainbows and unicorns. Give the act up. Do you hear that? It all starts with confidence and self-respect. Go after whatever you most care about in life. Trust yourself to succeed. You’ve got this.

Scorpio: You’re always right except about always being right. Ignore everyone’s advice, including this advice right here, and go your own way. Trust your own gut instincts and judgment. That’s the most intelligent thing anyone has said to you all month. It just goes to show that you don’t have to fret about all this dumb junk; you just have to get through it. You usually don’t see it that way. Your fate denies any responsibility but also wishes you the very best of luck.

Tough Love Astrology — Sagittarius
Sagittarius | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Sagittarius: If anyone who isn’t friends or family asks you to meet with them, call them, or chat with them online charge them one dollar to be paid in advance. Why? Because if they don’t respect you and value your time enough to pay you even a dollar for it then you should probably avoid them like the plague. When do you want to meet up? How about never? Does never work for you? You have to guard your time jealously. It’s only valuable to you. To others it’s a free and easy resource.

Capricorn: Trigger Warning: Exposure to other people’s thoughts, feelings, and opinions may spark independent thoughts, feelings, and opinions of your own. Different viewpoints make you smile, think, argue, approve, support, challenge, encourage, connect. This is a good thing. As Timothy Leary said: “Think for yourself and question authority.” There’s no point having a mind if you’re afraid of thinking for yourself or unwilling to change it. Intelligence is flexible.