Asshole Astrology — Week of 31 August 2020

Horoscopes for Horrible People

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

You might as well read them all.

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Aquarius: “Uni uni unicorns, I love them. Unicorns, I could pet one. If they were real, and they are! So I bought one.” Stop kidding yourself about who you really are. As much as you want people to think you’re Wednesday Addams you’re more like Agnes from Despicable Me. Agnes is one of the most beloved Despicable Me characters. You don’t have a split personality; you’re just hoping that you’re not you. You’re secretly fluffy. Your friends already know this, of course, but you need to drop the pretence more than Agnes wants a Unicorn. YOU’RE SO FLUFFY I’M GONNA DIE!

Pisces: It’s sad when people you care about exit from your life. Especially when people who piss you off won’t take the hint. No-one really cares about you. No-one really cares about any of us. No-one cares at all. We just pay lip service. That’s the good news. It means you’re free to live an authentic life. As Jung said: “The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.” The bad news? Your life is your responsibility. It’s all on you. Sleep tight. Have a great weekend. Let me make you a nice cup of tea. Pizza’s ready. If only we could email pizza.

Aries: Prime Minister Boris Johnson thanked healthcare workers for saving his life. Having realised the value of the NHS, and the plight of everyday people, he decided to fund great new programmes for universal healthcare and universal basic income. Then he rode a unicorn and you woke up. Some things are more likely to happen than others. On this we can agree. That doesn’t mean you should stop hoping for the best. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Also try to have friendly and interesting conversations. That’s the best approach for you this week.

Taurus: Your theme tune for this week is Rawhide; preferably the Dead Kennedys version of that song. Originally the theme for the 1960s TV show of the same name but also featured in The Blues Brothers movie. The lyrics are about the job of a drover on a cattle drive. The Dead Kennedys version is pretty faithful but somehow ends up sounding a hundred times funnier and filthier. Keep rollin’ rollin’ rollin’ Though the streams are swollen’ Keep them doggies rollin’ Rawhide. Don’t make me sing to you! You know the score. This song will be stuck in your head all week.

Gemini: I’m pretty sure the equation for misplaced outrage on the internet is something along the lines of: ‘So You’re Saying’ + [Thing You Didn’t Say] = You’re A Monster. You clearly label a joke as a joke. People still somehow manage to take it literally and act like you’re being deadly serious. It’s almost like they’re determined to take offence at everything. This is why I hate the internet. There ain’t no cure for stupid. I’m not saying that you’re stupid. Just a bit different. “Just a bit different.” You could use that as a marketing slogan for this week.

Cancer: You’re feeling poorly. Most of your week will be spent lying in bed feeling sorry for yourself. Why let a cold spoil your plans for the week? You were going to do that anyway. Feel better soon. Then we can welcome you back to the land of the living. What are you up to at the moment? You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all the people all of the time. Sometimes you can please some people. Some people please themselves. Oh hell, there’s no pleasing anyone. Do what you want.

Leo: Who do you have to fuck to get off of this planet?!! Mais ouis, bonne chance. I hear you but be careful what you wish for. The universe is listening. There’s never a good time to say: “I know we don’t speak, and you probably think I’m crazy, but I can explain EVERYTHING.” You know those crazy neighbours who do the weirdest things at inexplicable hours? They say the same shit about you. Or to put it another way: You know those crazy neighbours who do the weirdest things at inexplicable hours? Somehow, that’s what you’ve become. Other people want off of this rock too.

Virgo: You should’ve done all the things that you planned to do for this week but your capacity for yarsing has been permanently compromised. No more yarsing for you. You are officially a yarse free zone. You can’t be yarsed; that’s what I’m trying to say. Don’t work hard. That way lies madness. Just laugh hard and play hard. I am available as a motivational speaker by the way. Here, have some cake. Why yes of course it’s vegan and gluten-free. Would you like some tea? I’ll put the kettle on. You don’t need a bucket list. That’s a stupid place to keep a list.

Libra: I got an email that said ‘Your Trial Has Ended.’ I plunged into an existential despair before I realised that they meant my free trial of a product. That’s my life. How’s yours? You’re about to have a great week. You’ve done your laundry. You’ve washed all the pots. And cleaned the bathroom. And had a nap. You’re thinking about going for a walk. Or redecorating the house. Maybe buying a bottle of wine or a pizza. You could just sit outside for a while. Or listen to some music. You wonder what’s on TV. In other words, you’re WRITING. I shit you not. Enjoy it.

Scorpio: Many years ago at University my then girlfriend was a school teacher. The teachers had a competition between themselves over whose students made the best spelling mistake. She won when one of hers wrote in an essay: “In the summer I like to lie on bitches.” They of course meant beaches. We hope to this day. What spelling mistake do you think would sum up this week or your life in general? Sometimes I get hate mail and my first impulse is to correct their grammar, spelling, and punctuation. So don’t worry, you are among fiends. Friends. I meant friends.

Sagittarius: The weekend starts here. Monday? Already? I want to say something inspirational to you but if it’s Monday then get off of my lawn. You’re not in a good place right now but someday you’ll be back. Like Jesus or the Terminator. People are weird in a good way, the world in a bad way. All governments are murderers, all marketers liars. Thank you I’ll be here all week. People change? I don’t believe you. I’ve started to think of you as a troll. It’s good to know who your friends are and where your enemies live. Just saying. Hold still; I can’t get a clear shot.

Capricorn: If we all put the same amount of energy into saving the planet as we do into saving canceled TV shows we could probably bring the planet back for a one-off special. You have to pick your battles carefully. Deal with the small things that are going wrong in your life. Then the big things will probably blow up in your face because you were too busy dealing with all the small things to do anything about them. You can basically replace all the self-help and productivity advice that you’ve been reading with a giant billboard that just says: HANDLE YOUR SHIT.

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