Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

It’s usually best I go to my happy place and drink tea — I’ll only start ranting about government and politics otherwise.

I just found a flask of green tea on my writing desk.

It’s a small desk so I shouldn’t be able to lose a tea flask on it. Don’t judge me.

It has been stewing for about a week.

I’ve decided to drink it. Because tea.

I figure it will give me superpowers or put me out of my misery.

Let’s do this!

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Aquarius: The strangeness of people who contact you out of the blue at random has definitely gone up over the years. Not the sort of fame and notoriety you were hoping for. I’m not sure they realise just how threatening it feels to be contacted by someone you don’t know for no apparent reason. They mean well. Or at the very least it’s best to assume that they do. If you make broad, ambiguous pronouncements or assumptions about the intentions of strangers, you’re part of the problem. Try to be grateful for the friendliness of strangers and the strangeness of your friends.

Pisces: People who read productivity porn won’t amount to anything. Not least because productivity porn is junk. But even if they did read something that contained great advice they wouldn’t do anything with it. Productive people are too busy, being productive, to read productivity porn. 99% of productivity articles: Title: “How to do X” Content: “You want to do X? People who are better than you do X. How do you do X. What about Y / Z? Here’s how you do X. You do X by doing X. Give me money and I’ll tell you more about X.” Promise everything; deliver nothing.

Aries: It’s time to eat pizza, watch films and have a long hard think about where you went wrong in life. Doctor Who has always been a little bit shit. Coffee is better than tea. It’s perfectly ok to call a Sausage Sandwich a Sausage Roll here. It’s not like we already call something else that. Some sort of pastry for example. It hurts to type it, or think it, even in jest. Wait. There’s more. For the uninitiated: when I say you I really mean me. I’m just thinking out loud. And joking. And pretending to be grumpy and sarcastic. Which is funny. If you have a sense of humour. Which you don’t. Take a deep breath. Have a cup of tea. Maybe take a nap.

Taurus: Write like there’s no tomorrow. And there isn’t by the way. Writers write, right? Writing about writing is like masturbating about fucking. “I wrote every day for a month and this is what I learnt.” SHUT UP. Write until you realise that the only thing that matters is the writing. Writing about writing is masturbatory. That doesn’t preclude there being good books on writing. Masturbation is a poor substitute for sex but that doesn’t mean it can never be fun. As Stephen King said: “Writing may be masturbatory, but God forbid it should be an act of autocannibalism.”

Gemini: Dystopian sci-fi is by definition the depiction of a world you don’t want to live in. So when you complain that it’s politically incorrect it just makes you look silly. There’s nothing correct about political correctness. Don’t expect fiction to adhere to your politics. I’ve always thought of sci-fi as a critique of or social commentary on the present using the future as a lens. Same difference. Fiction is a commentary on reality but it isn’t real in and of itself. If that was the case then every sci-fi author is a space-cadet and you should never accept a dinner invite from Thomas Harris.

Cancer: You’re on a diet again. Inside every thin person is a fat person trying to get out. Like the Hulk. Just replace angry with hungry. People keep spamming you with weight-loss products but I’m here to tell you about a diet that works. It’s called the Kill Marketers and Eat Them diet. That said I’m from Yorkshire. We subsist on a steady diet of tea and disappointment. Kids today don’t even know that beefburgers are made from cows. In all fairness they’re probably not these days but you know what I mean. Food pyramid? That’s where you eat like an Egyptian, right?

Leo: Pass no comment on the importance of wearing masks. Last time I did I was berated for “opinion shaming” other people because I followed the guidance of the World Health Organisation like some sort of uninformed crazed hippie and told I should spend my time making masks. I’d never attempt to invalidate your or anyone else’s EXPERIENCE. I literally just disagree with your OPINION. I don’t presume to understand anything really. I understand and respect your opinion but there’s no point arguing with someone who has already made their mind up. Nothing good will come of it.

Virgo: There’s no such thing as bad weather; just weather that you may or may not be appropriately dressed for. There’s a metaphor for life in there somewhere. Don’t wait to feel better before you act. Act and feel better. Do you think Occam ever used his razor to shave? Have you lost something? Why don’t you look in the last place you always look first for a change? Follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly. By that I mean playing computer games in your jim-jams is clearly the right thing to do. You have your priorities straight. Even if life won’t actually let you do what you want.

Libra: Step 1: Say something as a joke. Step 2: Random people point out how your joke is technically inaccurate. Step 3: Wonder if you’re the only human left on the planet and everyone else has been replaced by aliens or pod people. Listen close. Did you hear that? That’s the sound of nobody giving a fuck. People who don’t use the F word have a vocabulary that is smaller than the vocabulary of those who do. There’s no such thing as bad language; only unimaginative use of language. Using your words to attempt to impose limits on the speech of others is far worse a sin than swearing.

Scorpio: English people don’t add vowels. Americans remove them. English came first. American English is a deviation from English not the other way round. That’s why it’s called English and not English English. British people say a-lu-mini-yum because they spell it aluminium and Americans say a-loo-me-num because they spell it aluminum. For once both are right. That’s because Americans don’t speak or write English. They speak and write American English which is a derivative. It’s just Americans think that they’re the centre of the universe so they act like they invented the English language. WAIT. Did I say that out loud?

Sagittarius: Famous people die every day. Internet piracy is good for artists; it only really hurts the huge media conglomerates that are bad for artists. Harry Potter is for kids. Freedom of speech includes the right for people to say things you don’t agree with or otherwise find offensive. The TV show they insist you must watch probably isn’t worth it. Children aren’t special. We know that you think YOUR children are special. But they’re not. It’s ok for you to hold unporular opinions. It’s ok for other people to hold unpopular opinions. You’re still wrong. QED.

Capricorn: You hate morning people. And mornings. And people. At the very least you don’t like morning enough to make a cup of tea. Mornings should be made illegal. And morning people should be hunted down with dogs and killed. At night — so they don’t have the advantage. Any plan that involves you getting up at five in the morning is probably a bad idea. But try to consider as life advice my favourite quote by Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson: “Be the type of person that when your feet hit the floor in the morning the devil says, ‘Aww shit; they’re up!’” Get out of bed.