Asshole Astrology — Week of 3 May 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: When I’m stuck I drink tea, swear a lot or drink whisky in my underwear and reconsider my life choices. Put the whisky down and back away slowly. Great minds think alike. As do average ones. You’re on a slippery slope, but hey at least now you get to drink more tea. What if you’re not meant to be a writer? What if you’re a wizard, or a shaman, and just happen to express it through writing? What’s more important? The decision to get on a train, your eventual destination, or the journey once you set off? These aren’t rtetorical questions. Enjoy your road-trip. Safe journey. Yes, you must also stay drunk on writing so whisky cannot destroy you. Or, you know, vice versa.

Pisces: An unexpected side effect of this global pandemic is it has revealed what a bunch of attention-starved narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths famous people really are. I know that there’s a global pandemic but what about me? Nice to tweet you. I look forward to your tweets. Buy my book, friend me on Facebook, give me the blood of your firstborn. Do all three in that order. Ok, I’m paraphrasing. Ignorance, just like stupidity, is deeply unattractive. As a rough rule of thumb: If your marketing strategy pisses off the very people you’re marketing to then you don’t really have a marketing strategy.

Aries: For a Brit the correct response to “How are you?” is “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” Unless they just ran over you. And for the Swedish: Everyone apologising to each other when no one actually did anything wrong. Too often Americans mistake such politeness for an actual question. I totally see you as someone who has knives and a shotgun. I mean that in a good way. You can answer any question with: “I prefer to neither confirm or deny such rumours.” You had a muffin. Everything it possible. Enthusiasm is contagious — like Herpes. It’s bad enough you can catch it from a stranger, but it’s even worse when you get it from a friend.

Taurus: You could die today. Your default position is to be afraid of everything or afraid of nothing. Even getting out of bed is a calculated risk. I’m not your imaginary friend. I’m not the mouse that lives in your head, pulls your strings or tells you what to do. As Stephen King said: “If you intend to write as truthfully as you can, your days as a member of polite society are numbered.” Muses can’t type; that’s all they need you for. ”Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.” You are basically evil. I mean that in a good way. Have you ever noticed how the moral majority isn’t moral and there’s more of us than them? Sorry, wrong meeting.

Gemini: When a martial artist fights a giant, that’s fee-fi-fo-fum fu. Punchline: the orderly queue that forms next to annoying people. Definitions are important. This is what I’m saying. You love writing, journalism and travel — if only there was such a thing as a ‘travel journalist’ or ‘travel writer.’ I’m just putting that out there. You do what you can. You plant seends. Maybe one day they will take root. In my head you know how to fix engines and like to smoke cigars, drink whisky and wrestle bears — only the bear part isn’t true. Do you think that’s an accurate description of your personality? You should hear what we say about you when you’re not around.

Cancer: I’m done explaining myself to Americans. Your sense of entitlement baffles me. I’m a Yorkshireman from the north of England; the way I speak doesn’t come with a Trigger Warning even if you think it should. I’m not here to coddle you. If you have a problem with that then fuck off. Sorry, wrong meeting. What are your plans for this week? I got out of bed and put the kettle on. I plan to drink tea and make the rest up as I go along. “Why did I write? Because I found life unsatisfactory.” All writers are fucked-up weirdos. I mean that in a good way. As William Burroughs said: “Magic is dangerous or it is nothing.” 

Leo: If you’re reading this then ask yourself if this is really what you want to be doing right now. If I annoy you enough for you to unfollow me then I hope we never get stuck in a lift together because I’m much more annoying in real life. I don’t pretend to know how you feel but I’m genuinely worried about you. I mean that in a good way! How can I help? I love how internet trolls call you out, for publicly expressing your opinion, from an ivory tower of anonymous accounts and fake identities. When in doubt — mind your own business. The more people you touch in life the more likely you are to get arrested.

Virgo: Disclaimer: This advice does not constitute advice. I need to take this advice. Batteries sold separately. It’s a competitive field. Sarcasm, snark and bitterness are my core competencies if that helps. I’m also secretly fluffy. You need to get your eyes tested and your ears washed out. We should do something sometime means nothing never. If you don’t want people to find out about it do it anyway but cover your tracks and don’t get caught. Put your feelings on the page where they belong. Shout out to the woman who just drove past me, blasting Frozen’s “Let It Go” from her car. We’ve all been there, sister.

Libra: I can’t stand it, I know you planned it. Sorry, wrong meeting. No-one gives a shit about your blog. I mean it in a GOOD way. Don’t expect hugs. Just write. Digital ink’s still ink. Truth is truth. Bastards are bastards. It tickles me when comedians get prickly, when you josh them, as if to say: “I’ll do the jokes!” If you don’t have a sense of humour then what are you good for? Anything can happen. Usually the same old shit. Don’t be pastry — who knows what your foolish actions could baguette. See how it pans out. Sorry, I’m on a roll here. *hides* Don’t worry what people think about you — most of the time, they don’t.

Scorpio: For the record, I genuinely think you’re made of awesome. I may be a sarcastic git but my heart’s in the right place. Caffeine is a broad church. Thanks to my American friends I have grudgingly learnt to be more tolerant of my coffee-drinking brethren. Hard working people aren’t better. They’re just inefficient at being lazy. Dishonesty is the best policy. At least in the workplace. Life is a dream, but you’ve still got to get out of bed in the morning and go to work and hate your mundane existence and stuff. Good night, Writers. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

Sagittarius: Do you know the lyrics to Superglider by Drugstore, Hopey by Rosa Mota, or Orbit by Come? If you don’t know these bands, you’re dead to me, but their lyrics are nowhere to be found on the internet. Sorry, wrong meeting. Between you and me I secretly use “Sorry, wrong meeting” in honour of the late Bill Hicks. See you at the right meeting! The one down by the docks. You can only give a fuck about so many things each day. If you give a fuck about this and a fuck about that how many fucks do you have left? This is literally the best thing in the history of all things. It’s like you know me in real life.

Capricorn: Millions of people worldwide cry out, uniting for a common cause. What is this international injustice? A canceled TV show. As Bill Hicks said: “By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising…KILL YOURSELF. Thank you.” My friend speaks with a New York accent when she lets her guard down — so I keep trying to annoy her because it sounds awesome. Nobody’s perfect. Everybody’s ignorant or intolerant about something. At least you’re honest about it. The universe says: “You first.” Do nothing, and you get nothing. But take a step in any given direction and it’ll warp the world around you.