Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Aquarius: You need to figure out who your partner in crime is and stick with them to the bitter end. Bonnie and Clyde? Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid? More like Statler and Woldorf! You will get a crazy business idea from the unlikeliest place. Pay attention to what people keep asking you to do. I keep getting requests to record my voice reading something. If only people would pay to ‘Hear The British Guy Speak’ I’d be golden. Cheque please.

Pisces: Dear user, we’re here to notify you that you have died. As you know your body belongs to us. Your credit has expired. Please return your body in a resalable condition. We will be there within the next 72 hours to collect. Yes your week will feel like some nightmare scenario from out of a low-rent dystopian science-fiction story. Welcome to the club. What do you want? Chewie’s medal? I am available as a motivational speaker by the way.

Aries: Here is your script for the coming week: “[Greeting] [Name], Thank you for your [opinion]. I agree wholeheartedly with [thing that you said]. But on the other hand [respectfully disagree] because [plausible reason].” You can use this on social media. You can use it in all your work emails. You can use it with your boss. Or you can use it with your family and friends. You can even use it with your lover — or you can stay in a relationship.

Taurus: Everyone should have a bird feeder in their back garden. You should feed the birds even if your life has gone to seed. That’s an excellent pun and you know it. This week you know the punchlines but not the jokes. I think you’re thinking of Puss In Boots. I can keep it up all week. Say nothing. That’s what I was going for. You’ve no shame. Here, you can have some of mine. You’re welcome. My shame is your gain. You catch on fast. Like Syphillis.

Gemini: What musical skeletons do you have in your closet? Confess this week. When I was a kid I bought Hanging Tough by New Kids on the Block. Just the single. But yeah, that was a dark moment. I also bought Turtle Power by Partners In Kryme and learnt all the words. I tried to sing the lyrics from memory but couldn’t stop laughing. “Pizza’s the food that’s sure to please. These ninjas are into pepperoni and cheese.” My sides. They hurt.

Cancer: I’m pretty sure the equation for misplaced outrage on the internet is: ‘So You’re Saying’ + [Thing You Didn’t Say] = You’re A Monster. Have fun with that this week. Think about which mob you’re most likely to upset and what would happen if they went after you with pitchforks. “My name is James and I’m dead now. Don’t worry, I didn’t commit suicide or die of anything horrible — a bunch of Harry Potter fans kicked the shit out of me.”

Leo: Admit it: You don’t really like bands like The Beatles, Rolling Stones, or U2, you’re just overly familiar with their songs. This week only play what you truly love. Let your freak flag fly, even though your taste in music is terrible, and people will open up to you. Katy Perry? Here’s your pumpkin spice latte. Taylor Swift? You’re not boring or mediocre — just a basic bitch. Kidding, I secretly love Gwen Stefani. Wait. I see what you did there!

Virgo: I was going to buy a book but realised it was available on Kindle Unlimited. So I took a 30 day free trial and read 11 books including that one. This also meant that 11 writers got paid something for their writing instead of just one. Why yes I’m from Yorkshire. How can you tell? What unconventional approach can you take to accomplishing your goals or finishing a project this week? What are the unexpected benefits? Who else can you help?

Libra: I’m often accused of mansplaining. That’s when a man explains something, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronising. Most of the time men don’t even know they’re doing it. I don’t know what they’re talking about; I’d never do that! *hold for laugh* This week take a long hard look at yourself and think about anything you might do that you say you don’t. I know you can do no wrong — but what wrong do you do?

Scorpio: The Irishman is three and a half hours long. I don’t care how great a film-maker Scorsese is — at that runtime it’s almost impossible for the film to be anything but a saggy, ponderous and overblown mess. You still have to watch it and make up your own mind of course. Then you can tell me what you think of it. Finish your broccoli. That’s your homework for this week. Read a book. Watch a film. Make up your own mind about it.

Sagittarius: Vote. People died fighting for the right to vote. If you don’t vote it suggests you take this right for granted. If you value democracy at all then you should vote. If politics matters to you one iota then you should vote. If not then don’t vote. But it shouldn’t be a source of pride. If you don’t vote then don’t brag about it. People died fighting for the rights that you take for granted. Don’t advertise the fact that you’re an idiot.

Capricorn: It’s a source of great comfort that my music taste still contains great bands that Spotify and their ilk have never even heard of. What do you mean you don’t have anything by The Flippity Jibbits? I saw them live supporting Whatchamacallit. Call yourself a music service? I bet you haven’t even heard of The Guilty Pleasures. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. What obscure knowledge are you proud of? Use it this week.

What does the universe have in store for you? Sign up to find out.