Asshole Astrology — Week of 29 March 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: Mind: Open. Mouth: Shut. That should be line one in the code for the operating instructions of a human. Or something. I haven’t really thought this through. It ain’t easy being green. I wanted to publish a collection of my juvenilia (mostly short stories) called That’s All He Wrote — but I read them and was glad I stopped writing. If you could write just one book before you died what would it be called? Mine would probably be Poems About Fucking (And Other Poems). That’s All He Wrote is the book I’m working on. Poems About Fucking is a Big Black reference and what I’d call my first poetry collection if I ever did one. For the record it would probably contain zero poems about fucking.

Pisces: According to Warren Ellis we’re all Wizards now that we have smartphones. When I was little I’d call stuff by its proper name. Credit Card: Debt Card. Life Insurance: Death Tax. Social Media: Avoiding Human Contact. That last one was a lie as I’m so old we didn’t have social media. Back then it was just called talking to people or screaming into the void. When I was little I also once tried to use a lightbulb as a parachute. It made perfect sense at the time. Yes, the emperor is naked. No, he does not want to be reminded. Don’t worry. You’re still entertaining. Oh! I just thought you were trying to be edgy. Don’t worry what people think about you. We do. Sorry, wrong meeting.

Aries: You create your body, imagination and future. Or you can shut up about that sort of nonsense and just have tea and biscuits like normal people. For once the latter option sounds way more appealing. Let’s have a nice cup of tea and a chat. How are you? I’m good thanks — and you’re on the very short list of people I’d never bump off. So, I dunno, feel special or something. There should be a law against talking to people and forcing them to make polite conversation. You made me something? That’s adorable! In a psychotic evil toy kinda way. THANK YOU! Can I use it as an avatar in magickal rituals? *looks innocent* SQUEE! Um, I mean yes. Where’s a cat bus when you need one.

Taurus: Dear Universe, Whatever I’ve done to offend you, I’m sorry and you’ve made your point. Back off! *crawls under duvet* I dread the day I no longer have insomnia and, sleeping soundly, miss your encouraging rants about writing. Please babble away. I’ve not read your writing beyond your blog but I do like it and wish you well as a writer. Listen to your inner child. Embrace your inner child. Buy them a balloon. Then see if you can get a babysitter — and go out for the evening. What am I doing? I don’t know, I just work here. My brain should be back next week if you want to leave a message.

Gemini: My brother who lives is Athens taught me how to say ‘Fuck the Police’ in Greek. It was one of the first things that he taught me to say. I look forward to the day Bruce Willis dies and I can say: “Bruce Willis is a ghost!” You’re on your officially sanctioned weekend — be sure to play in the sunshine or hide in a pub or something nice like that. You’re going to speak with a nice woman who thinks you will enjoy living with other people as you will be able to socialise with them. Clearly you’ve not met. It’s important to have your priorities and stick to them. This is what I’m saying.

Cancer: Someone dear to my heart suggested I spend less time on Twitter and write or try stand-up comedy instead. Good night. Someone once added me to a list of ‘top-comedians.’ I laughed my arse off and went about my day. “You’re so funny — I saw you on Twitter and think you should do stand-up comedy or something. Here’s a bagful of money.” Said no-one ever. Friends often say I should try stand-up but that sounds like way too much work. Actually they may have just told me to try standing up. I’m a sit-down stand-up at best. I’d rant about everything in the form of fictional comedy journalism.

Leo: Overheard a conversation between an old man and woman. Woman: “I’m MUCH older than you. I’m 91 this year.” Man: “You’re 93 this year.” Woman: “You SEE? I’m so old, I can’t even count!” I thought this was adorable and it reaffirmed my faith in humanity. On the other hand another old woman in town came up to me and asked me something. I thought she said: “Do you have a light?” So I said: “Sorry, love, I don’t smoke.” To which she explained she’d said: “Do you have a line?” She wanted drugs. It’s grim up north. These should not be thought of as separate things. Life is a shit sandwich.

Virgo: Just watched a film, starring Anna Kendrick, with my folks. Me: “So can you see why I like Anna Kendrick?” Mum: “Yes, she’s as mad as you are!” BOOM. I have inappropriate feelings about Anna Kendrick, Aubrey Plaza, Minnie Driver, and Dichen Lachman. “Have them washed and sent to my room.” Just kidding. But you know what I mean. Who are you secretly in love with? Who is your on-screen crush? Why do you think that is? That’s ok. You love who you love. There’s probably a clue in there to who you really love.

Libra: I’m a writer for over 100 independent publications on Medium that I haven’t got round to writing for yet. I feel bad but wish they understood that there’s almost no point writing for them any more thanks to changes Medium have made. There’s barely a reason to write on Medium at all. It’s not because I don’t care. It’s because a vanishingly small number of writers can make any money from writing on Medium and the ones who do don’t write for small or independent publications. You’ve got to draw the line somewhere. This is what I’m saying.

Scorpio: Whenever I speak to delivery people, builders, and so on I’m the blokiest bloke that ever did bloke. The rest of the time I’m basically a big girl’s blouse. I can pretty much pass for a manly man in any context so long as we don’t talk about football. Do you like football? Football football football. How dare you not like football? What kind of a man doesn’t like football?! All this talk about football. Has there been a match on or something? What is Football? I think it’s some kind of veruca. That’s no moon. It’s a football. There’s nothing wrong with football or people who like football or people who don’t. I know this I just wish that other people knew this and would stop assuming that because I’m a guy I have an opinion on football.

Sagittarius: I’m not in the best mood even by my usual standards. Between you and me I’m actually a little scared. How are you today? When someone pisses you off you should write them an angry letter but not send it. Turn it into a blog post or get it published somewhere. Profit. I decided to turn the other cheek. The only time I’d normally turn the other cheek is in order to moon someone. It has come to my attention that I’m still me and most likely will remain me for my entire life. I’ve done several things that I’m potentially quite excited about but can’t tell you about. This is really annoying. You’re welcome. There’s a metaphor for life in here somewhere.

Capricorn: I literally googled how to spread almond butter on toast. Even google was confused by why I’d ask such a stupid question. There are some things one should never joke about. There aren’t — but if there was then running out of tea would be top of the list. On Sunday instead of watching a movie, with pizza and red wine for company, I sat down and wrote something. And as a reward? I published that piece online. Yeah, I don’t understand what’s happened to me either. I guess what I’m saying is that you should spend your time creating art rather than consuming shit. Something like that anyway.