Asshole Astrology — Week of 28 September 2020

Horoscopes for Horrible People

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

You still need to read each sign because they’re all secretly about you.

Sign up to get your horoscopes for horrible people. Don’t worry, I’m sure that you’re lovely.

Aquarius: You need to eat bacon. I’m pretty sure there’s a bit in the Bible where it says: “Let them eat bacon.” Bacon’s the best hangover cure. Bacon’s also proof that god loves you. Or at least that he hates vegetarians. Politicians want poor people to switch to vegan diets, under the pretence of saving the planet, whilst they continue to eat meat. Do you want an ethical alternative to eating animals? Eat the rich. Sorry, wrong meeting. I’ve been eating mostly vegan or vegetarian for weeks. SOMETHING HAS TO DIE. Preferably vegans who try to force their diet on their pets.

Pisces: They say all the cells in your body are replaced every seven years. You’re a different person but keep the memories of your former selves. It may be junk science but it’s still a beautiful myth and a working metaphor for how to live your life. What curses have you been afflicted with? When life gives you lemons kick life in the nuts. Now is not the time for sarcasm. Ok, ok, I take that back. There’s always time to be sarcastic; and if it annoys people who don’t appreciate sarcasm then it’s time well spent. Sarcasm is the most flattering form of sincerity.

Aries: When asked: “Is there intelligent life on earth?” the aliens replied: “Yes but we’re only visiting.” Have you ever considered that you’re surrounded by stupid people? Is it any wonder then that you feel like you’re from another planet and pray for an abduction? On the other hand don’t be such a negative Nancy. If there’s one thing you hate then there’s probably a bunch of other shit too. The world is a lovely place filled with lollipops and rainbows. The secret is that each and every day is already great; no matter how shit it is. This is as good as it gets.

Taurus: You know when you wash your hair before you go out then it becomes one big knot and you don’t know if to brush it or cut it off? Well, that, but as a metaphor for your life. Instead of trying to be the best do your best. You’ll never know what you’re capable of achieving if you quit before trying. Just do it. It may be the meaningless slogan of a greedy corporate sweatshop facilitator but it’s still good advice. A Twitter friend put it a different way to me: “Do you and shop it.” I like that a lot. Also: “Fuck the audience.” Words to live by.

Gemini: It’s time to rethink the environment that you work in both on and offline. Your computer setup is like Wikileaks — they have lots of problem cables just like you do. Would you really be missed if you took a break from social media? I once deleted my Twitter account and within minutes had lovely emails from people around the world. I deactivated Facebook and no-one noticed. Calm down, you don’t have to permanently delete anything, I just really hate Facebook. I’m being sarcastic but I have deleted Facebook several times without incident. Just saying.

Cancer: The best way to get rid of internet stalkers is to chat with them on Skype: they lose interest as soon as they realise you’re just as dorky as they are. The more people you touch in life the more likely you are to get arrested. Who wants to talk to real people anyway? The best friends are your imaginary ones and the best place to meet interesting people is in your head. Conjure the gods from dead religions instead. They must get lonely sometimes. Talking with a deity about a plague of locusts has got to be more fun than general chit-chat about the weather.

Leo: Support local businesses. They’re inconvenient, cost more than shopping online, and don’t have what you want in stock. Their staff are also often rude, resentful of your custom, and give poor customer service. But we should all support local businesses. Whilst it’s important to support local businesses if they’re rude and obnoxious to their customers then they deserve to go out of business. Here’s a novel idea for Customer Service: SERVE YOUR CUSTOMERS. In other words try to make your customers happy instead of pissing them off. NOW GET OFF OF MY LAWN.

Virgo: I think I’ve made a big decision. I don’t know. What do you think?! They say of the Samurai: “In the words of the ancients, one should make his decision within the space of seven breaths.” Maybe that’s why you hyperventilate every time you need to make a decision. If people knew how much you ruminate over every little thing they’d never ask you to change your mind. Seven breaths is also about the time it takes to drink a cup of tea. At least it is if you’re from Yorkshire. So I think you see the way forward here. Make a brew every time you need to make up your mind.

Libra: After a lifetime of reading you realise that most books aren’t worth reading and most authors aren’t worth reading more than once. Empty your bookshelves. Instead of shelves full of unread books just put books there once you’ve read them. Try Bibliomancy: Get a beloved book. Ask it a question. Open it at random. Put your finger on the page. This is the book’s answer to your question. As John Berger said: “There are worse crimes than burning books. One of them is not reading them.” Book time to spend with your loved ones or love the time you spend with books.

Scorpio: Have a great weekend. You don’t like Mondays. Someone should write a song about that. Tell me why. You know that you really should do something fun and interesting with your weekend but by the time you’ve decided what to do it’s already Monday. Try to fix that this week. The weekend starts here. Tell no-one. As much as you’d love to spend the weekend sat in your underwear reading books and watching films it seems that the universe has other plans for you. Speaking of which it’s time for me to go. I’ve just remembered that I’ve got plans for the weekend.

Sagittarius: Stop your messing around. Better think of your future. Time you straighten right out. Creating problems in town. That’s my message to you. Usually if you’ve a song stuck in your head it’s your brain trying to tell you something. If the song’s by Coldplay it means you’re clinically dead. Sometimes it pays to listen to the voices in your head. So long as they’re not telling you to kill people, or anything bad like that, you can at least hear them out. Pay attention to what they say. Just don’t do anything stupid or let them sing anything by The Spice Girls.

Capricorn: Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. They were tense. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. How are you doing then? Read any good books lately? What do you mean you want your horoscope to tell you what the universe has in store for you? That’s not how this works. Think for yourself. Ideas are good for you. The more the merrier. Like Broccoli. You need to lie down in a darkened room in your happy place on a leather sofa and talk to your power animal about shiny happy things. Now you get it. Great minds think alike. As do average ones. You know what I mean.

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