Asshole Astrology: Week of 28 June 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: You have a strong urge to travel. Where I’m from we call it having itchy feet. Others call it feeling yickey-yackey. Yickey-yackey sounds much better. The point is that you should travel as soon as you are able to. Travel is the best medicine for a weary soul. Go forth and have adventures! Go to everywhere on your bucket list someday if you can. And, you know, everywhere else in the world. Travel is one of the best things in the world; besides tea of course.

Pisces: It’s hard for you to have a dark night of the soul when your friends keep handing you a torch. People are weird like that. It’s almost like they keep trying to help you. That’s what friends are for, right? As for your enemies: “Be careful about who is in your circle but not in your corner.” Keep your friends close and your enemies asking for directions. Don’t get hung up on this. Some things in life are very small; others are just far away. It’s all about perspective.

Aries: You have a bad attitude. Whatever? Whatever. Dora the Explorer has a bad attitude. She bosses everyone around. At least when it comes to your bad attitude you’re incredibly lazy about it. It takes less effort to leave people alone than it does to tell them why they’re wrong or how you’d do things differently. My laissez-faire attitude owes as much to laziness as it does to indifference. So long as you don’t go round killing people I really don’t care how you live.

Taurus: My favourite compliment from one of my readers was also one of the strangest: “You’re fucking glorious!” Are you trying to make me blush?! Anyway, the point, and how it applies to your life, is pretty simple: Be nice to people. It makes them feel better. And that makes you feel better in return. Flattery will get you nowhere or everywhere depending on how drunk your friends are at the time. Don’t be mean. Share your toys. Play nice with the other children.

Gemini: What did you want to be when you grew up? And now that you are? The opposite of fear isn’t fearlessness — it’s courage. Instead of punishing yourself for failure try rewarding your success. They say that you should always eat breakfast but maybe you should go for a walk instead. Don’t worry, you can still eat bacon for lunch. “Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; love more, and all good things will be yours.”

Cancer: You can’t keep up with everyone on social media so just keep up with people who actually speak to you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Go away. Or something. It’s time for you to become fond of a lot of people in general. Do you ever really like someone’s social media and online content but realise over time that they’re probably a horrendous narcissist in real life and that you’d hate to get stuck in a lift with them? I mean other than me of course, you monster!

Leo: Freedom is free. They only tell you that freedom isn’t free so they can sell it back to you as an optional extra. Don’t ask for your privacy. Take it back. How do you protect your freedom from government mass-surveillance? Put it in a bag and hide it in a tree. That was a joke. Don’t email me. FREEDOM of SPEECH includes the freedom for people to say things you disagree with, find offensive, stupid, ignorant, bigoted or plain wrong. Do you see how this works?

Virgo: I read the Reading List of a renowned Creative Writing programme and was shocked by how basic and milquetoast its recommendations were. I’d read most of them and had much better alternative recommendations for people who want the good stuff. I feel like I leveled up as a writer. What do you plan to level up in your life? What books do you recommend that are better than the usual ones people swear by? You can do anything you set your mind to — except maybe sit-ups.

Libra: Them: “If I were you…” You: “You’re not.” Extrovert: “Did ya miss me?” Introvert: “When?” ‘Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends’ only makes sense if you know shampoo’s what they call Champagne or your mates have greasy hair. My lack of sympathy for your drama doesn’t mean that I’m unsympathetic or you’re undeserving of sympathy. You weren’t the only one invited to your pity party — it’s just that most of us got bored and went home early.

Scorpio: As someone from Yorkshire, where we subsist on a steady diet of tea and disappointment, I feel duty bound to tell you the good news that drinking hot tea on a hot day will cool you down. Because science. It’s also tea and, as you know, a cup of tea solves everything. Make tea, not war. My manifesto in a nutshell: “Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit.” These are words to live by so long as you have tea. In which case no problem.

Sagittarius: The only thing that you have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. Fuck spiders. So long as you learn how to learn, have the courage to pursue your dreams, and aren’t afraid of repeated failure, you’ll be fine. Creativity needs trust, not fear. That’s ok because you fart glitter. Trust in the process. Keep going. Failure is how we learn, after all, so we shouldn’t punish ourselves for it. Failure is a necessary part of success; not a permanent condition. *mic drop*

Capricorn: Ella Lopez is by far my favourite character on Lucifer. She’s easily the funniest. She’s smart, geeky, quirky, and has a good heart. She’s also gorgeous and infinitely huggable. I can’t understand why Lucifer loves Chloe and not her except, you know, she’s a supporting character. Is there perhaps a supporting character in your life that you have overlooked in favour of the obvious but unobtainable? Write out a list of everyone that you know and decide which is which.


James Garsideis an independent journalist and writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel. Subscribe to Asshole Astrology for regular horoscopes.