Asshole Astrology — Week of 28 December 2020

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

This is the last column of 2020. Thanks to everyone who has subscribed.

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Aquarius: On Boxing Day you traditionally gave gifts to the poor. When did that become ‘Buy Stuff Just Because It’s On Sale Day.’ Did I miss a meeting? It’s not a better phone. All they did was make it taller. Sorry, wrong meeting. In cities across the UK people are queueing round the block to shop at Primark, our favourite sweatshop facilitator, despite the risk of coronavirus. Are we really so desperate to shop? Gives the phrase Shop Til You Drop a whole new meaning. Shopping should be illegal or something. One secret way to save money on shopping don’t buy anything.

Pisces: Good luck getting a phone signal on New Year’s Eve. Your phone signal status is a phone with a cross through it? That means your phone’s a vampire and will be staked if left unattended. Are you any relation to Bela Lugosi? Because you suck. Or some other obvious punchline. Maybe you should have a quiet night in instead? That’s what I plan to do. Puhhhhleaaaaase. Have great time. Your lack of self-respect will be there to wish you happy new year when you get back. Be sure to bury it deep in the woods afterwards so no-one can find it. Metaphorically of course.

Aries: It has come to my attention that there won’t actually be a Doctor Who Christmas Special until New Year’s Day and there won’t be a new series until autumn at the very earliest. There’s no need to rub it in. The worst hell I can think of is a world without tea — but life without Doctor Who is a very close second. Sometimes you just have to let things go. I’m not crying, you’re crying. “I’ve stopped watching Doctor Who” is one of the saddest things you could say. Maybe in the top 10. Somewhere in the top 100? Right, I’m off to bed. See you in the new year.

Taurus: Some people are caught looking through the keyhole of life. Others are in the bedroom, at it like rabbits. Which person would you rather be? I’ve eaten rabbits, looked after rabbits and have friends who’ve kept them as pets. Not the same rabbits of course. I hereby declare today Dump Everything Day: Throw out your crap, trash your projects, and delete your to do list. If anyone needs anything from you they can ask you for it again in the new year. I think we’re done here. People want to know when you can meet up? How about never? Does never work for you?

Gemini: If this day is going to get any weirder, please can it do so quietly — after I’ve had a cup of tea and gone to bed? Why do people misinterpret your silence as an invitation for them to give you their opinion on how to live your life? The occult virtues are to know, to dare, to will and to keep silence. I’m just saying. “What cannot be said above all must not be silenced but written.” Silence is the unbearable repartee. Quiet people are the best people. When I was young, people thought I was shy, quiet, and bookish — now people just assume I’m being a dick.

Cancer: It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it 
And I feel fine

Leo: I saw something in a shop window and said: “That’s the one I’d get.” A cyclops came round the corner, heard what I said, and punched me in the face. I love it when capitalists lecture you on morality, ethics, and how to be a docile consumer. Sorry, wrong meeting. We’ve evolved from monkeys with brains to credit cards with mouths. Darwin was wrong. Sorry, wrong meeting. The economic function of money is slavery. Sorry, wrong meeting. You know the drill. Time isn’t money. You can always make more money but once you’ve spent all your time there’s no way to get it back.

Virgo: Don’t kill spiders. It’s bad luck and they’re really quite nice once you catch them and throw them out of the window. My beloved money spider that kept hanging above my writing desk was eaten by another spider the other day. So I caught that one and evicted it. It snook back in elsewhere in the house. It looked pretty intimidating. It didn’t even flinch when I put a glass over it. They say that finding a spider in your room is a sign of good luck. I just found in my bedroom a wolf spider the size of a tarantula. That means I should play the lottery, right?

Libra: Let’s not allow the crass commercialisation of New Year’s Eve to obscure its true message about drinking like a maniac. Is it bad luck to shave on New Year’s Eve or about time you got rid of your beard? I ask for a friend. Ha, thanks. I was just curious. Was it worth it? No, it wasn’t. But at least I know that now. You and you superstitions. Discard old socks. Never explain yourself to a squirrel. People frown upon you making mewling cat noises when you get caught out in the rain. You’re not allowed to eat owls. Beliefs are weird. This is what I’m saying.

Scorpio: If you have to post on social media that you’re having such a great a time then you’re probably not. Conversation is when people take turns to feign interest and wait for each other to stop talking so they can continue. If you don’t have a card from me by new year it’s because I don’t have your address. Don’t worry — I still love you. My plans for world domination are on hold until the new year due to hibernation but your concern is very much appreciated. I hope you have a wonderful New Year’s Eve. I shall endeavour to email you before the new year. Probably.

Sagittarius: It creeps me out when people online ask me things like where I’m from. I’m from Earth. I’m obviously English, and not American, as I drink tea and pronounce niche correctly. So you could say I’m from across the pond. We’re on the internet. Why do you need more to go on than that? I’m probably being way more cautious and wary than I need to be but I’ve had my fair share of stalkers including people who’ve threatened to kill me. Admittedly most death threats came from me being rude and dismissive about Harry Potter so I guess I had it coming. Learn from my mistakes.

Capricorn: Remember when people used to talk to each other? Those were the days. Remember when people used to send each other letters? Those were the days. Remember when people used to send each other email? Those were the days. How do you get to Inbox Zero before the end of the year? Delete all your email. Or reply to them. I’m not telling you how to live. I turned off all inboxes and tabs in gmail so that it all goes in to one inbox. Because I’m a grown-up and know how to handle basic stuff like emptying my inbox. Though now I think google is afraid of me. I’m at Inbox Zero. If you email me before the new year I’ll kick your ass.