Asshole Astrology — Week of 27 July 2020

Horoscopes for Horrible People

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Aquarius: Don’t fight with your brain. Your brain is your secret weapon with which you’ll conquer the world. I mean that in a good way. You’re a clever cat. You’re like a Bond villain or someone’s evil twin. I mean that in a good way. You’re a national treasure. Your commitment to Sparkle Motion is appreciated and was never in doubt. I mean that in a good way. Take people’s opinion of you with a pinch of salt. I mean that in a good way.

Pisces: Popeye says: “I yam what I yam.” Pirates say: “Yarrr what yarrr.” Either way I hope you get the message. Just be yourself. The world needs as many yous in it as possible. Are you feeling all inspired yet? I think I nailed it. You have the power. Haters to the left. Form an orderly queue. That’s the spirit! Do you feel better now? Glad to hear it, monkey. I use monkey as a term of endearment. Also because Darwin said so. You’re welcome.

Aries: If I find out that someone who’s annoyed me loves dogs I immediately forgive them for everything. All dogs are good dogs. Dogs are better than people. If it ever comes down to it I will take your dog’s side in all matters. Your dog is adorable. Your dog is a total boss. Churchill used to call his depression the black dog and take it for walks. Nick Drake wrote ‘Black Eyed Dog’ not long before he died. Take your black dog for a walk.

Taurus: When you said you were being pestered by trolls I thought you meant the things with funny hair. You don’t need to go looking for idiots on the internet to get into arguments with. You don’t find them, they find you. You’re not feeling blue. You didn’t say or do anything wrong. You’re just not in the mood for other people’s wilful nastiness or stupidity. Cat videos on the other hand? Always in the mood for that. Let’s have a nice cup of tea.

Gemini: People don’t want to read your book, buy your product, or use your service. If they did then they would have done so already. The fact that they’ve made it through their lives without it suggests that they probably don’t need to anyway. I mean that in a good way. This applies equally to any else’s books, products, or services — of course — but people don’t like to talk about that. They’re too busy yelling at people to buy their stuff.

Cancer: Your intelligence isn’t in doubt. But when your parents find you sat in the dark at four in the morning drinking whisky and watching cartoons they might have a tendency to question your life choices. Why are you watching kid’s TV? Is there someone we should call? Don’t they know that these shows are for everyone? Cartoons are one of the highest forms of art. Right, now that’s sorted, I’m off to drink whisky and watch cartoons.

Leo: Too often people want shortcuts to make people read their work. Usually before they put in the actual work of writing good stuff. Write the best stuff that you can. If you consistently write well then you’ll eventually find an audience. If you don’t then no amount of readers can help you. You’re either an American or an American’t. PS. When you say “Don’t act so superior” what I hear is “Stop being so English!” You make me laugh.

Virgo: What’s your name? No I mean your real name. That’s just the name that you write under. You used your real name for that? What kind of sick weirdo are you? If you sold your soul to the Devil they would ask for a refund. Kierkegaard said “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Live your life so that others may learn from your mistakes. You drink too much coffee and not enough tea. Get behind me, Satan!

Libra: Never again will you be able to lie to yourself about everything you’d get done if only you had enough time. Now is not the time for puns or excuses. Fellow spoonie over here. INFP over here too. It’s important that no matter what you try to lead a full and active life. To be honest I’m not sure what that looks like at this point. You have to decide for yourself. Reverse psychology? Now I feel compelled to tell you. You are infinitely wise.

Scorpio: Introverts should get together in secret to overthrow the tyranny of nosey extroverts. We won’t, as we mind our own business, but we should. You’re my kind of person. The only problem is we can never get enough of us to agree to get together in the same room for us to hold a meeting and plan world domination. Maybe we could Skype sometime instead? Or you could just sit in the corner and read. You’re among friends here. I’ll put the kettle on.

Sagittarius: They say if you want to make God laugh then tell him your plans. Well, let’s just say that I read your Tarot and it made me laugh a lot more than it should’ve done. So thank you for that. Some things never change. That includes the constancy of change. We don’t do tea and sympathy in Yorkshire, or sympathy, only tea. Which is even better if you think about it. Bloody reyt n’all. Life is a shit sandwich. There’s no use mithering about it.

Capricorn: So what have you been up to during isolation? This week will mostly be an exercise in allowing people to realise just how thoroughly unimpressive and uninteresting you are in real life. You never know how you’ll react to a crisis until it happens. Just go about your day as best you can. People say that the sky is falling. The sky isn’t falling. They just want to sell you an umbrella. Your boring self is actually quite inspiring.

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