Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

I stand behind every one of my bad jokes and half-assed opinions. It’s almost like they’re exaggerated for comic effect.

I’m almost always joking. Even when I’m mean I still mean well.

Don’t tell anyone this as it’s a secret: 

You know how they say a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down?

I figured that if I wrapped it up in the guise of a self-help article, or used a popular known form such as a horoscope, then I could sneak in good advice.

But it didn’t quite work out like that. The world is full of fake positivity bullshit.

“So, I’ve decided to take my work back underground to stop it falling into the wrong hands.”

Sorry, wrong meeting.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: You listened to one of those mindfulness tapes meant to improve your sense of confidence, calmness and wellbeing, and got so angry that you punched a wall. The mindfulness podcast that you listened to on your walk was so distracting that you almost got run over. You listened to hypnosis tapes to help you get to sleep. The relaxation one pissed you off but the insomnia one was so boring you fell asleep. I think you see the problem here. Actually, I did all of those things once for real by the way. I say once. Nobody’s perfect. At least you’re mindful of that.

Pisces: How dare you hold positive opinions based on objective experience. Sit in the corner and have a long hard think about what you’ve done. I mean meditate, of course, not that you’re twelve years old. Don’t just do something; sit there! I once meditated for half an hour in a busy city centre. People flittered past like leaves. Nobody noticed. There’s a lesson in this somewhere. You tried to do a guided meditation to discover your totem animal. Given that every time you meditate you fall asleep I think it might be a sloth. There’s a lesson in that too, Slowpoke.

Aries: You may find it hard to begrudge or resent people much younger than you who are living their dreams — despite the fact that you’re old and your dreams are in the gutter — but at least you’re willing to try. If you don’t live your dreams then you might as well die in your sleep. Either way I’m off to bed. Eventually time DOES run out. Don’t put off today the things that you should have done yesterday to make your dreams come true tomorrow. Now go live your dreams for real. Sorry, my mask slipped. I’ll go back to being a grumpy arse. Get your shit together.

Taurus: Maybe the reason you feel so worthless is because of inflation? Everything is worth less these days. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. If it makes you feel any better I only do really bad jokes for good people. You say that like that’s a BAD thing. You shut your mouth. No, wait! You’re such a meanie — I mean that in a good way. Try to tell bad jokes to good people and vice versa. Never underestimate the power of a sandwich and a cup of tea to make you feel better. A cup of tea solves everything including running out of tea. Put the kettle on and have a brew.

Gemini: The Wanted and Offered ads of the same people reveal an awful lot about them. Their hopes, dreams, and aspirations — and the ugly reality of their lives. Here’s a real example I came across once. WANTED: PC, Yoga Mat, Megaphone. OFFERED: Packing Boxes, Compost Bin, Top Gear DVD. Disgusting right? What kind of a person wants to do yoga. Do you ever get the overwhelming urge to try to sit on your own face? I don’t mean like that. Maybe you should try yoga. Yoga means union. People fart when doing yoga so beer’s ok too. You’re less yoga, more Yog-Sothoth.

Cancer: Paul Coelho said that when someone leaves it’s because someone else is about to arrive. That’s the sort of wisdom that mindfulness and meditation gives to you. Sod all use to anyone. Blonde is a state of mind. Embrace it. Focus on your health and happiness, sleeep, take care of your body, and treat yourself with kindness and respect. There’s no need to feel guilty. Literally no-one else is going to do it for you. We all sort of think that you’re a doofus. You really need to get out more. The magical universe is on your side. Just like the old gypsy woman said.

Leo: You pray for health and happiness. In hindsight you probably shouldn’t open with: “Dear God I know you don’t exist and I never liked you anyway.” I’m just saying. Namaste. Namaste is a Sanskrit phrase that, loosely translated, means: “The god in me bows to the god in you.” That’s closer to the true meaning of the phrase than “I bow to you” which is what people usually say that it means. There’s a metaphor for your life in here somewhere. It doesn’t matter what you believe it just matters that you believe. Have faith in your own abilities if nothing else.

Virgo: I wish all these young hipsters would shave off their ironic coffee shop beards and stop growing them because it’s their thing so that I can go back to growing a beard because I’m a scruffy wizard and like to look shabby. These should not be thought of as separate things. I read about ‘how to reduce stress in your life’ — yet another list post with a picture of pebbles — and it made me so angry I punched the wall. I don’t have an anger management problem. I’m angry — I manage. Why am I telling you all this? Because it takes one to know one, genius.

Libra: Try to be so funny and interesting that you get into trouble. Are you a source of light or dark? In pitch black being dark, and being a source of light, amounts to the same thing. Pick a side. It infuriates me when people act like they expect me to cut up their food for them. Yes I mean metaphorically. No you don’t need to email me about it. Handle your shit. I’ve got my own shit to deal with. As does the rest of the known universe. Some people say I’m confrontational. It’s Bugs Bunny’s fault because I grew up watching his cartoons as a kid. Ain’t I a stinker?

Scorpio: You drink alcohol and eat pizza on week days as well as weekends. You’re allowed to thanks to the apocalypse, right? Probably. But this isn’t normal behaviour for you at all. You tell yourself that you’re doing it so that you can better see what’s at the bottom of the freezer without falling in to it. But deep down — in your heart, I mean, not the freezer — you know that something is wrong. Get a health trainer to review your diet and exercise. It will start to pay off in no time — you’ll soon get good at lying about what you eat and what you do all day.

Sagittarius: Don’t eat what’s to hand whilst you think about the healthy options you could cook. The best way to diet is don’t buy it. Set your life up so that when you want to have an unhealthy midnight snack you can’t, by choice, because all of the food in your home is healthy. Your cookie policy should be to remove all cookies from your house. You can always replace them with healthy things you like or activities that you enjoy. Do whatever it takes to keep you on track. You need to find a healthy balance that works for you; and give me all of your cookies.

Capricorn: In Japan abandoned blogs are called ishikoro (pebbles) — I think you see where I’m going with this.

James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. Sign up for his newsletter for the inside track on all his creative projects and unusual insights about life, work and travel.