Asshole Astrology: Week of 26 July 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: You’re told to trust your guts, but your guts are full of shit. When it comes to relationships, you’ve never known a woman who wasn’t duplicitous. When it comes to life, you’ve never known any situation that couldn’t be improved with a cup of tea. Maybe you need to meet more women and offer them tea. Or stop projecting your shit on to other people. It may snow. Any arguments about why you should leave the house can be settled with the words: “Or I could drink tea.”

Pisces: You may feel that you’re in the wrong place, wrong job, or wrong life, but at least that means you’re in good company. Let the party begin. The best thing I can say about your week is that nobody is going to die as a direct result of your actions. And you can always drink tea. I looked into your future. I want to say that it was terrible, and that I didn’t laugh at all, but all I can say is that it was terrible. You might want to develop your sense of humour asap.

Aries: Have I ever told you I think you’re hilarious and you always make me laugh? I mean that in a good way. I always laugh with you, of course, but sometimes whilst you poke fun at yourself. Think of starting a website where people can post reviews of their favourite savoury pastries. Pie Rate Bay. Introduce yourself at a party with: “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya.” But act offended if they say: “You killed my father. Prepare to die.” Also: Don’t accept advice from strangers.

Taurus: Never question whether your Twitter followers are human when some of them like science-fiction as much as you do. The greatest trick God ever pulled was convincing Richard Dawkins he doesn’t exist. Don’t annoy a writer. They may put you in a book and kill you. You remember when nostalgia used to be a good thing? Those were the days, eh? If you turn the other cheek then don’t complain when someone tries to kick your ass. Action is always better than inaction.

Gemini: Acerbic: sour or bitter tasting; sharp or biting mood or tone. Not just a word; it’s a way of life! Referring to your “personal brand” is another way of saying: “Here’s the carefully constructed, safe, corporate lie I need you to believe about me.” You can do anything you set your mind to except algebra and sit-ups. To do is to be. To be is to do. Doobie doobie doo. Don’t worry, you’re far too old to die young. It’s good you take pride in your achievements.

Cancer: Tell me why, I don’t like Mondays. Tell me why, I don’t like Mondays. Tell me why, I don’t like Mondays. I wanna shoo — Sorry, wrong meeting. Mondays are pants — I know that pants means something very different in America but the point still stands. Sometimes incredibly talented singers or musicians are killed by their fans. John Lennon is dead. Dimebag Darrell from Pantera is dead. James Blunt is on his sixth album. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Leo: That moment when you think of something appalling to say on Twitter, write it, delete it, but are still amused by it. If it’s only funny in your head, then that’s the best place to keep it. WRITE. You don’t need permission. Writer is a verb, not a noun. Shut up, you know what I mean. JUST WRITE. To be a writer is something you DO not something you are. You can’t turn lead into gold but you can turn shit into money. Anything that you turn into art, you have the right to destroy.

Virgo: Journalists rummage around in bins looking for stories. Writers rummage around in bins looking for food. Understand this — the world is against you. And that’s funny. Or at least, I think that’s funny. Instead of punishing yourself for failure try rewarding your success. You work shifts. The people you meet are probably vampires. People are strange. That’s all I’m saying. It’s sad to realise you’ll live your life alone but better to accept this than stop living altogether.

Tough Love Astrology — Libra
Libra | Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

Libra: Things not to say to a writer: Hey. Do you want to dance? A writer! Like J.K. Rowling? That’s a hobby, right? Written anything good? Have you written anything I’ve read? Short stories. So, no REAL books then? So, you’re NOT famous? It must be so much fun to not have a REAL job. I always wanted to be a writer. Will you read my book? I’ve got an idea for a novel. We should TOTALLY work together. I tell you my idea. You write it. They publish it. We split the proceeds. 50/50.

Scorpio: Some of your best friends are people that you’ve never met: online friends who were there for you even when your so-called ‘real friends’ were conspicuous by their absence. It’s good to know who your genuine friends are. Then again your online friends are basically a fiction. You’re lonely because your friends need a break. I don’t know how to break this to you but your friends have already made that decision for you. Did they not tell you? Well, this is awkward.

Sagittarius: Went for a walk. Didn’t realise “No more than two people and keep two metres away from others” meant “Four people and a dog and push your way past the stranger you walked up behind because you’re impatient and didn’t want to cross the road to overtake them.” People are stupid. I don’t understand why various demographic groups are acting like this global pandemic is somehow all about them or affects them more than anyone else. Viruses don’t discriminate. Just saying.

Capricorn: The Way of the Samurai is found in death. Meditation on inevitable death should be performed daily. Every day when one’s body and mind are at peace, one should meditate upon being ripped apart by arrows, rifles, spears and swords, being carried away by surging waves, being thrown into the midst of a great fire, being struck by lightning, being shaken to death by a great earthquake, falling from thousand-foot cliffs, dying of disease or committing seppuku at the death of one’s master. Sorry, wrong meeting.

James Garsideis an independent journalist and writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel. Subscribe to Asshole Astrology for regular horoscopes.