Asshole Astrology — Week of 26 April 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: Misunderstood children tend to grow up into well-understood writers. How do you overcome your resistance to writing? Go on a media diet? That’s just crazy talk. If you did that, you’d have to find a productive way to spend your time. To persist is an act of defiance — not of faith. Right now you’re persisted off. Why do you pay attention to unproductive productivity experts? Would you ask a drowning man how to swim? You can’t wait until a reasonable hour to be productive — by then you’d asleep. If it wasn’t for unreasonable hours you’d never get anything done. Your productivity makes me feels very, very lazy. Maybe there is something to all that tea drinking after all? It’s ok, you can admit it. The power of tea compels you.

Pisces: Give me a D. Give me an N. Give me a G. Give me an A. Give me an F. What you need to do with your rage is build a community that protects the poor, disenfranchised, disabled and vulnerable. Do you also want the moon on a stick? Because that can be arranged. One week to go. Until the next bit. And the thing after that. Today I’m wearing my ‘I told you I wear colours other than black’ blue jumper. A friend said: “I’d punch a shark for you.” I love my friends. Sarcasm is the most flattering form of sincerity. I’m good at giving you compliments. You should hire me to do that or something. Hear the British guy speak.

Aries: I’m a Night Owl: I reach peak productivity after everyone else has gone to bed. I wondered why I felt so energetic and productive. Then I was like oh right it’s because it’s 3.30am and I haven’t gone to bed yet. What type are you? You are now my productivity guru. Your approach sounds much more healthy and productive. Shopping and laundry is like a ridiculously productive weekend for me. You’re probably going to die alone in screaming pain so public speaking isn’t such a big deal afterall. Productivity? I’m procrastinating! “Why Don’t You Just Switch Off Your Television Set and Go Out and Do Something Less Boring Instead?” was a Kids TV show but it’s also good advice.

Taurus: I wear a t-shirt whenever possible — just exercising my right to bare arms. According to Steven Pressfield: “The most important thing about art is to work. Nothing else matters except sitting down every day and trying.” That plus tea and biscuits and you get the general idea. “A great writer reveals the truth even when he or she does not wish to.” Jean-Dominique Bauby dictated a novel by blinking and [insert politically-incorrect Helen Keller joke here] so you don’t have writer’s block. As Sandra Cisneros said: “What’s the worst mistake a writer can make? Thinking too much. When you create, say yes, yes to everything.” Enough said. Roll up your sleeves and get to work.

Gemini: When I went out drinking with friends I used to apologise afterwards for being a grumpy arse. Until they pointed out that’s why they love me. I dreamt I was a man, turned by magick into an eagle; in love with a woman, who turned herself into the sky so that we’d always be together. When you say, “I surrender”, that’s not the same as saying, “I give up.” Ok Universe, I surrender. You win. *looks innocent* To do is to be. To be is to do. Doobie doobie do. I use ‘monkey’ as a term of endearment. But I also use it with creationists just to piss them off. Ah, but people are monkeys. Unless you think that Darwin was wrong. Hello Grammar. What big teeth you have.

Cancer: Bibliomancy: Get a beloved book. Ask a question. Open it at random. Put your finger on the page. This is the book’s answer to your question. I’d say today couldn’t get any weirder; but I wouldn’t want to tempt fate. You ever send an email to someone, then reread it until you’re convinced they’ll never speak to you again? Well, now you have guilt. And mail. If there’s one thing you hate, then there’s probably a bunch of other stuff too. You win, my friend, your logic is impeccable. You’d have had a much better day had you known that the second you started doing what you’d avoided all day you’d realise that you couldn’t do it anyway.

Leo: Dear fellow writers: That tip you keep reading about not throwing any of your old stuff away because you can re-use it? TRUE. You’re reading my recycled tweeets. I wish the universe would give me a big hug and tell me everything’s going to be ok. In a manly, stoic way of course. At the hospital the nurse said: “You’ll feel a small prick and then it’s all over.” My sex life in a nutshell. Chemist: “Take these pills with water three times a day.” Me: “Can I take them with tea?” I remember when a boss tried to high-five me and I stared at him. Needless to say, I didn’t work there long. People are strange. This is what I’m saying.

Virgo: It’s 106,000 words to go, we’ve got a full flask of tea, half a pack of paper, it’s dark and we’re wearing sunglasses. When in doubt, make a Blues Brothers reference. My friend Anna is regularly adopted by rabbits. Her current owners are called Jake and Elwood after the Blues Brothers. You don’t like rabbits? What kind of sick weirdo are you? Rabbits are the cutest. She had to spell toast in front of one of her rabbits because it loved toast and went nuts whenever it heard the word. It was so smart that it learnt the spelling too. *makes rabbit shadow puppet on the wall*

Libra: You’ve got ‘that Friday feeling’ — remorse at another wasted week. *screams into a paper bag* Sorry, wrong meeting. Telling depressed people to ‘cheer up’ is about as helpful as telling someone with the plague to ‘stop sneezing.’ What should you do? Hey, if people are going to defeat you with facts and logic, then you should probably go to bed. What’s your favourite myth? I’m going out on a limb and guessing it contains kodama. You’re not special but at least you don’t pretend to be someone else. “People who write fiction, if they had not taken it up, might have become very successful liars.” Read well, write well, submit well.

Scorpio: If you throw enough shit against the wall some of it’ll stick. Words to live by if you’re a writer, or a monkey, and you have shit. No-one ever gave you a goddamned thing except your loved ones, family, friends, pets and completely random strangers. Don’t wait to feel better before you act — act and feel better. ™We all live in a communist regime, a communist regime, a communist regime.” Ha! I knew it! Wait. We’re not robots, we’re Illumina… Uh, never mind. We’re robots. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Just think of all the cool stuff you can do with your weekend! Sorry, my brain hurts.

Sagittarius: Welcome to the secret order of the giant rabbit. Fuck like rabbits. Drink whisky. Watch cartoons. Have you literally not heard the phrase ‘fuck like rabbits’ or are you just yanking my chain? “Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.” Also there’s the white rabbit conspiracy but you don’t know about that. Judging by his outlandish attire he’s some sort of free-thinking anarchist! I’ll call Security, sir. I’m the White Rabbit. Yeah, we breed like rabbits. A friend assures me that my love of unattainable women guarantees that I’ll die alone. Which is true. I have inappropriate feelings about Jessica Rabbit.

Capricorn: What’s a good analogy for writer’s block? I describe it as “A brick wall made out of fear, lack of talent, and blank pages.” I understand your reasoning. I think I see a theme here. Sometimes writer’s block is not writer’s block. It’s depression or anxiety or something else. And you can’t fix that with platitudes. You’re quirky and funny — not rude or offensive. It’s hard to walk the line between funny and offensive — I prefer to jump back and forth until I fall on my ass. Selflessness aside; if you live long enough then one day your eulogy will be written by robots. Keep going.