Asshole Astrology: Week of 24 May 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: You’re a little passive aggressive with your kindness sometimes. Other times you chase people down the road shouting: “Accept my kindness, dammit!” “Come back here and let me love you!” In any case you get a smug feeling of self-satisfaction and superiority whenever you bestow your benevolence on the world. And why not? That’s part of the fun of being a kind person. The kind high. That said, it might be time to kick the habit. Try being kind because it’s kind instead.

Pisces: A dear friend bought you a sexy, smart black leather wallet. You bought yourself an Adventure Time Wizard King wallet. That says it all, really, even if speaking about you metaphorically. What you do when left to your own devices is the true indicator of what you really want. People mean well. Be grateful for whatever they offer you. But know your own mind. PS. You noticed that I referred to Ice King as Wizard King. *hangs head in shame* This is why we’re friends.

Aries: Write in any way that works for you. Write in a tuxedo, in the shower with a raincoat, or in a cave deep in the woods. The only useful or meaningful comment on the writing of another writer is to wish them the good luck. Elmore Leonard understood this. When asked by fans for writing advice he’d wish them well. As Junot Dí­az said: “In order to write the book you want to write, in the end you have to become the person you need to become to write that book.” Good luck.

Taurus: You’re funny. You make me laugh so hard that I forget to put the kettle on. Some mornings you wake up convinced that you could somehow make a living from being funny. Comedy can be profitable. If only there was such a thing in life as a professional comedian. Can you imagine how great your life would be if people paid you to tell them jokes. Nice work if you can get it. That said, a friend of mine frequently dreams that she’s a purple fish. Get back to work.

Gemini: Why just turn on the printer and print out your work when you can press the button and shout: “PRINT MY WORDS, ROBOT SLAVE!” You can’t have robot slaves and you can’t build a robot army. Even if you’re convinced that most of your friends have ghosted you, lead full lives, or are part of a robot uprising that plans to take over the world. We know you won’t use a robot army for good. Robots don’t kill people. People build robots that kill people. Sorry, wrong meeting.

Cancer: There’s never a good time to say: “I know we don’t speak, and you probably think I’m crazy, but I can explain EVERYTHING.” That explains so much about you. I know you’re just trying to explain to extrovert friends why you’re not great at socialising without offending them. But the fact is you are antisocial and they don’t believe you anyway. So stop pretending. You’re socially awkward and suck at talking to people. People still prefer real you to pretend you.

Leo: How do you want to be remembered? What do you want to do with your life? When you die, if you can hear what people say about you, you’ll probably be touched by the kind things a handful of people say about you but beyond that you won’t be remembered except by your family and friends. Live in the moment instead. Stay alive for as long as you can. Do everything that you want to in life. If you live long enough then your eulogy will be written by robots. How cool is that?

Virgo: You think that 3D printers are silly, and you don’t know the first thing about science, but you’d love to make an army of clones to do the things you don’t want to do — like go to work or leave the house. Best not let this fantasy go to your head. An army of clones is kind of overrated. You’d need to feed them for one thing. Remember and embrace the fact that there’s only one of you — you had to kill off your army of clones when they tried to stage a coup.

Libra: Suggestions and hugs are ‘always welcome’ but you don’t do hugs and it’s probably best that other people keep their opinions to themselves when around you. That said, despite your reputation for being a grump, you’re in a really good place right now. No I don’t mean Dallas. You sound happy. You’re rid of the past, enjoying the present, and looking forward to the future. Keep going in the direction that you’re going and all will be well. Full steam ahead.

Scorpio: You know the latest pic that you’ve had taken of you? That’s a really nice picture. You look like you’re planning world domination and have decided what to do with your enemies. What I mean is that you look smart and amused which is a pretty accurate description of your personality. Hell Yeah springs to mind. I’m made up for you! And other British phrases that you may have first learnt from secretly watching back to back episodes of Thomas and his Friends.

Sagittarius: Your friends across the pond are a little sick of your fragile ego. America big, England small — we get it. You’re either an American or an American’t. Stop being an arrogant can’t. This is what I’m saying. Try making awkward small talk about the weather instead. The British will recognise and accept your act of public humility. Your friends across the pond will quietly salute you with a knowing glance before they put the kettle on and make you a nice cup of tea.

Capricorn: You know those crazy neighbours who do the weirdest things at inexplicable hours? Somehow, that’s what you’ve become. What you need is an app that blocks your attempts to access the internet whenever you’re drunk or have insomnia. There needs to be more space between you expressing, or trying to act upon, every great idea you’ve ever had at four in the morning and the rest of the world. Rest assured that your neighbours are hard at work on such an app.