Asshole Astrology — Week of 24 August 2020

Horoscopes for Horrible People

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Why not read them all and pretend that they’re all about you?

Aquarius: Why Don’t You Just Switch Off Your Internet and Go and Do Something Less Boring Instead? That’s your homework for this week. Bonus points if you get the reference to the children’s TV programme ‘Why Don’t You?’ If so we can be friends. Wherever you go, your true friends will be with you. Home is where the heart is. Even if in your case home is in a really big cup of tea. Just don’t go looking for answers at the bottom of a beer bottle. Why waste perfectly good beer? Remember, you need to dream big. So long as you’re not thinking about a weight problem.

Pisces: A grammar book you read says there’s no language in which a double positive can form a negative. Yeah, right. Anything’s possible so long as you put your mind to it. Or time. Or money. You’re not unemployed; you’re independent. Or Rōnin as I like to call it. You’re not a loser; you’re a winner in training. Where do I get this nonsense? I get it from out of my head, you monkey. Ok, to be completely clear, I may sometimes pull it out of my arse but that amounts to the same thing. You may be wise beyond your years but elves are wise beyond their ears.

Aries: You love the song from a particular film. The one that wasn’t on the soundtrack. And you only know this because you bought the soundtrack for that song. I think we might be related. I mean that in a good way. If nothing else we have the same love for music. Are you a Neil Young fan? I’m a massive Neil Young fan — that sounds like a euphemism or an insult but it isn’t meant to. Usage: “You’re a MASSIVE Neil Young fan.” What else could you be that sounds like an insult? “You’re so artistic.” “You’re a bit of a reader.” “You’re a journalist.” Anyway, you get the idea.

Taurus: Someone knocks on your door. Instead of opening it your first impulse is to weigh the options of how best to get rid of their corpse. You might be a hermit and it might be time to go outside and play in the sunshine for a little while. I know how you feel. Your social life is little more than a series of hastags and professional networking events. Wasn’t it Shakespeare or some other wordy type who said: “I desire that we be better strangers.” You have to pick your battles carefully. You can’t hide away forever but you can’t attend everything either.

Gemini: Has anyone told you on your profile picture you look like a complete doofus? I mean that in a good way. You’re welcome! First impressions on social media are important. I was followed and unfollowed by a ‘world class’ Psychic. Not so psychic after all then, eh? Tell your detractors to go Follow Friday themselves. Don’t worry what others think. The universe still gives a damn about your presence — that’s why you’re here. If the universe no longer gave a damn about you it would squash you like a bug on a windscreen. Don’t worry, your turn for that will come too.

Cancer: James can neither confirm nor deny rumours that he’s working on his first novel and secretly likes writing about himself in the third person. Write about yourself in the third person. What are you secretly getting up to this week? Write out your plans for world domination as though they’ve already come to fruition. Write your autobiography for the life you want to lead. Maybe read the latest biography of a politician for inspiration. In their case it’s probably called “Lies, Damned Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.” You can do so much better than that.

Leo: The government crackdown on internet pornography has had unintended consequences. Most politicians are now invisible online — given that so many of them are tits, dicks and asses. What parts of you do you prefer to keep covered up? Rethink getting tattoos; even if you already have them. For instance, why do people have leg tattoos? Maybe because tattoos are a thing and people have legs? I’m not saying you shouldn’t get them. I’m saying consider why to get one, where to put it, what it would be of, and what it would mean to you. Rethink your ink.

Virgo: You tell people that you’re trying to improve your life through the use of ‘Gamification.’ But all you really do is take lots of pills and get chased by ghosts. That’s an excellent PacMan reference and you know it. I’m waiting for the day Bruce Willis dies so I can say, “Bruce Willis is a ghost!” without getting into trouble. Feel free to spend the week playing video games or watching TV but drop the pretence of productivity. Waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka waka… Woo woo… *eaten by ghost*

Libra: Everybody is hiding in the library. Metaphorically speaking. That’s why they were invented. I used to be a librarian but the point still stands. Don’t rest on your laurels. I tried that once in a portaloo at a music festival with urgent diarrhea and Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’ playing in the background. Sorry, too much information. We’ve all got things out there in the world that we’ve done but would rather forget. What’s yours this week? For example, if you ever manage to get your hands on any of my unpublished poetry I’ll fucking cut you. That seems fair.

Scorpio: According to Web MD’s symptom checker you’re either terminally ill, contagious or a hypochondriac. Welcome to the club. The easiest way to commit suicide is to just wait. To be or not to be, that is the question. Tell Shakespeare to shut up. The answer either way is always yes. There’s no better answer, that’s for sure. But my favorite part of this is that you just told Shakespeare to shut up. Life is sweet sometimes but it can also be bitter and sarcastic. Soufflé or not Soufflé, that is the question. That was terrible — go stand on the naughty step.

Sagittarius: God is like the kid who rescues you from school bullies. He doesn’t mind helping you out but thinks that you’re a pussy for not sorting it out yourself. Don’t sit around waiting for other people to motivate you to fix your problems. What do you expect them to say? I’m always proud of you? Good morning? Do your best? I think that you’re made of awesome? I’ve got nothing. “If my answers frighten you, Vincent, then you should cease asking scary questions.” I’m not trying to get Medieval on your ass. I’m just hoping that you get the Pulp Fiction reference.

Capricorn: You’re in a jam. You’ve got Paddington problems. Whenever you have to make a decision ask yourself: “What would Paddington Bear do?” And then do the opposite. Paddington’s an idiot. Do you like marmalade sandwiches? What do you mean you prefer toast? You could always put two slices of marmalade on toast together like a sandwich. You don’t have to go anywhere or be anything. Life’s made up of small moments — make of them what you need. Or you could just drink whiskey. Decisions, decisions, decisions. Repeat after me: “What would Paddington Bear do?”

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