Asshole Astrology: Week of 23 August 2021
Horoscopes for horrible people
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Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
Aquarius:
According to Margaret Atwood: “All stories are about wolves. All worth repeating, that is. Anything else is sentimental drivel.” Food for thought this week. Whenever anyone asks you to do anything let your mantra be: “I could do that — or I could strip naked, drink whiskey, and go to bed.” If you listened to audiobooks instead of podcasts your books-to-read-before-you-die list would be much shorter. In other words you live longer by procrastinating. Your logic is flawless but the story of your life is distinctly lacking enough wolves.
Pisces:
Sometimes you feel like there’s been a change of management in your head, and now you’re left wondering what the hell the previous occupant did with your life. When someone shows you an internet meme with a heartwarming picture your first thought is usually: “That’s photoshopped.” Not that I’m calling you cynical or anything. I love it when I tell someone not to update their phone, because they’ll break it, so they update their phone and wonder why it’s broken. There’s a metaphor for your life in there somewhere.
Aries:
Love don’t live here anymore. On the flip side, you now have the lyrics to “Love Don’t Live Here Anymore” stuck in your head. You’ve no idea how happy this makes me. Do you have to learn to live with your current state of affairs? My dear friend, it isn’t yours to accept. It’s not up to you to accept the emotional fallout from the life choices of those around you. People need to leart to fend for themselves. It’s not your job to follow them round with a dusptan and broom to pick up all the pieces. By the way, we’re out of milk.
Taurus:
It seems especially cruel to waste someone’s time when we have so little of it. You don’t have to go anywhere or be anything. Life’s made up of small moments like the ones that confront you but they don’t add up to a life. I’ve been listening to The Jesus and Mary Chain since I was a kid. They’re gleefully miserable. I still love them to this day. And I still wear mostly black. But that doesn’t mean that I have to live my life like I’m living inside one of their songs. Don’t be such a goth about everything. This is what I’m saying.
Gemini:
Don’t you love it when people go out of their way to point out that they disagree with you or don’t like something you’ve written or said? I ask for a friend. Don’t let the critics bury you. “They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were seeds.” This quote is attributed to the late Greek writer Dinos Christianopoulos. I used to think it was a Mexican proverb. Nevertheless, it’s the mantra of a resilient spirit. You should adopt it as your personal credo — at least insofar as when it comes to matters of your heart, your art, or your spirit.
Cancer:
Some of my friends say: “Your tweets MUST please potential employers.” Others: “When you don’t censor yourself, you’re FUCKING HILARIOUS!” Which advice should I listen to? You will find yourself in a similar pickle. On the one hand, you’re not stupid, you know how to play the game and how to put your best foot forward. On the other hand, who wants to live like that all of the time? How can you stand out from the crowd if you spend your time trying to act the same as everyone else? Oh, you. You’re you. You do you.
Leo:
Telling depressed people to ‘cheer up’ is about as helpful as telling someone with the plague to ‘stop sneezing.’ My recipe for getting to sleep? Close the blinds. Turn off the lights. Go downstairs. Pass out on the sofa whilst watching Cartoon Network. You’re welcome. You can’t write your way out of boredom or depression but you might as well take notes whilst you’re there. Too many people act like: “If all goes well then life is good; if it doesn’t then life is pants.” Those are terrible odds. Happen; it might never cheer up.
Virgo:
Is there a secret to writing? How do you know about my secret ritual? I mean: “No. No there isn’t.” *hides goats blood, typewriter, and Viking helmet* I’m devoted to encouraging people to create. I’m the only person I ever knock for not. Life gets in the way is all. Don’t beat yourself up about it. There’s no need to act like a struggling artist. We only talk like that in front of the tourists. Just take care of business in your real life and carve out some time for your creative work. Or don’t. It’s up to you to hold yourself to account.
Libra:
Keep smiling. Brushy Bear is the most evil thing I’ve ever seen. It’s like when Marceline’s Dad meets Gunther the naughty Penguin on Adventure Time. Always try to keep a smile on your face. Turn that frown upside down. Beware of Brushy Bear! So how do you turn your life around? You’re not baffled by your inability to stay chipper, you’re just deliberately using English slang every chance you get. Maybe you could hire the people you usually yell at to get off your lawn to mow it instead? Sit on your porch with a shotgun called kindness.
Scorpio:
You keep dreaming about elves, hobbits, orcs, and dwarves, but you’ve finally figured out what’s wrong. You’ve been Tolkien in your sleep. Please meet so-and-so and vice versa. Sarcastic Americans are rare enough that they warrant a formal introduction. You’re too tall to be a hobbit, but a little short for a Storm Trooper. It’s the new “Too old for rock n roll, too young to die.” Kierkegaard said: “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” Live your life, so others learn from your mistakes.
Sagittarius:
Instead of trying to be the best, do your best. That’s pretty cool. There is no dark side of the moon. It’s all dark. Don’t panic. Keep your towel with you at all times. Don’t squash your brain. Only the good die young — prepare for the long haul. You can’t take the sky from me. I am Jack’s token cultural reference. You keep using that token cultural reference, I do not think it means what you think it means. Yes, but there are others too. I dunno. You work it out. Sometimes I doubt your commitment to token cultural references.
Capricorn:
The occult virtues are to know, to dare, to will and to keep silence. I’m just saying. Occult knowledge is supposed to be hidden. That’s literally what occult means. But that’s not how it is any longer. A lifetime’s occult reading in the most obscure places can be usurped by one night with Internet Archive, Instapaper, and Wikipedia. So what’s your excuse? You already have all of the knowledge that you need. Get to it. As Britney Spears said: “You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You better work, bitch.”
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