Asshole Astrology — Week of 22 February 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: Modern entertainment is like a black hole for creativity and motivation. Too much of it leaves you a shell of the person you really are. I’m literally the last person on earth to talk to about this. I’m going downstairs to watch cartoons. But sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion. Stop guffawing at the computer like a big dumb gibbering chimp. What’s the emoji for grow the fuck up and stop using emoji? I’ve no idea what anyone’s talking about any more! *sobs in the corner* Finish reading ‘The Monster at the End of this Book’ by Sesame Street. Grover is very proud of you.

Pisces: Your life is in Permanent Beta. No-one gives a shit about your blog. I’m going to put that on a t-shirt one day. To write is to live your life at one remove. You watch life being lived by others instead of living it yourself. You’re too busy scribbling. They say ‘time is money’ but that’s a lie. Spend all your money and you can always get more. Spend all your time and you never get it back. Johnny’s in the basement mixing up the medicine. I’m on the pavement thinking about the government. Where does that leave you? Sometimes you have to pick a side. Stand up and be counted.

Aries: I watched a film. How can a film about a gang of ex-cons robbing a casino during an Elvis Impersonator convention, dressed as Elvis, possibly be bad? Sadly it was. Life is a long line of disappointments strung out from the cradle to the grave. My own mother once congratulated me for not pursuing a career as a criminal mastermind. So, yeah, it could be worse. Surely the same could be said about any job and any relative? I mean that in a good way. What bizarre job did your random relative want you to pursue or not purse? Are you trying to make me cry? With laughter, I mean.

Taurus: One of my detractors on Twitter said: “Honestly, every one of your posts recently has me convinced you’re a passive aggressive douche who needs therapy. Bye.” It was said in response to me being rude about Harry Potter. It was so eye-wateringly funny to me that I still remember it to this day. Now I’m worried that you might believe it’s funny because it’s true? I’m here to help. Thanks for your feedback. I’m glad you’re feeling better. Do you want fries with that? Have a nice day. Write a letter from the point of view of your harshest critic. What does it say? Is it true? Do you care?

Gemini: Your Kindle has thousands of books on it. You keep expecting it to weigh much more than it does. Homework: Write out verbatim the first chapter of a novel you love. This is called copywork. You’ll learn more from one session of copywork than any book on writing. If you’ve ever done anything like this before then you get bonus points for having alredy done your homework. But do it again. Did copywork help you to become a better writer? Now try to improve on it by writing your own version or equivalent. Not plagiarism. I mean write a story or chapter that achieves the same results.

Cancer: Step 1. Collect underpants. Step 2. ? Step 3. PROFIT. You know, like the Underpants Gnomes from South Park. You’ve got to have a plan. But you’ve also got to get going. Jump in at the deep end. No matter how strong a swimmer you’ll make it to the other side or drown and make it to the other side. “Run from what’s comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. I have tried prudent planning long enough. From now on I’ll be mad.” I love it when a plan comes together. Pity the fool. I ain’t getting on no plane. Sorry, wrong meeting.

Leo: I’M BATMAN. Sorry, wrong meeting. Don’t ask where I live. I don’t get any more specific than West Yorkshire. It says Leeds on my profile because that’s where I usually work. But I’ve had really dodgy people try and work out exactly where I live (one successfully who threatened to stab me) so I don’t give out any more information than that if I can help it. Who are you? What’s your job? Where do you live? How would you answer or avoid such questions? The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. *hides under a blanket* My work here is done.

Virgo: If where you write was a work of art, like Tracey Emin’s bed, they’d call it The Post-It Notes of a Non-Writing Writer. Don’t look under the bed. Just walk away and we’ll give you a safe passageway in the wastelands. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror… *coughs* A friend who has never met me in real life said that if I killed myself I would be missed. That was a very sweet and kind thing to say. And it helped to hear it. But I also wanted to help her and I’m not sure how best to do it but will email her at the very least. Who should you thank for being in your life?

Libra: Write 250 words per day as a magick spell narrative hypersigil. Write it like a story or a diary entry about the life you want to live. Write it as though it’s already happening. Of everything you need to do and want in your one great life. To counteract the bullshit of the mundane world. And as a working to band together your true friends, find the others and help you uncover and harness your true will. Don’t read it for at least a year. “Don’t fear failure. Fear being in the exact same place next year as you are today.” I assume your story’s intended as polemic and social commentary?

Scorpio: When youngsters say they like Punk I say that’s ADORABLE and make them listen to Dead Kennedys, Minor Threat, PiL and Millions Of Dead Cops. Kids can be so mean to each other when growing up. I say stay true to your dorky weird self. I have to — being dorky and weird myself. My natural habitat would be a library where you’re allowed to drink tea and eat flapjacks so long as you don’t get anything on the books. Homework: Write out a list of ‘friends’ and a list of ‘enemies’ to the life that you want to lead. Decide what you need to do to promote or destroy those on each list.

Sagittarius: I have to say, have you noticed that when people preface a sentence with ‘I have to say’ they usually don’t? It turns out you should be very suspicious of any journalistic assertion that begins with the phrase, ‘It turns out.’ It turns out that when a writer, or journalist, uses the phrase ‘it turns out’ what follows next is probably made-up. “You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all the people all of the time.” Sometimes you can please some people. Some people please themselves. Oh hell, there’s no pleasing anyone. Do what you want.

Capricorn: At the start of the lockdown you were certain that you’d get a lot of writing done. It turns out that you’re way better at playing videogames, watching late night TV, and questioning your life choices. There are two forms of truth — the lies that we tell to ourselves and the lies that we tell to each other. Depression is like weather — you get good days and bad days and days of dead calm — just don’t ever mistake bad weather for you yourself or for a fixed state with no possibility of change. I gauge mine by beard length, dirtiness of tea mug, and days since I last left the house.