Asshole Astrology — Week of 21 September 2020

Horoscopes for Horrible People

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

You still need to read each sign because they’re all secretly about you.

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Aquarius: Whatever you say or do to upset people: deny everything. As long as you're getting thoughts out of your head and into some sort of medium you are never really unemployed. That's a healthy attitude for you to adopt. Try to connect with fellow literate and writerly humans; or at least sufficiently convincing and entertaining AI. Don't put off to tomorrow what you can outsource to a Third World country to do for you today. I often feel like outsourcing all my writing to someone else but they'd make lots of typos and it wouldn't be anywhere near as funny. Shut up.

Pisces: Have you ever noticed that your smartphone is basically a magic wand? Crowley said magick is "the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with the will." Anyone with broadband is a magician. An internet connection makes everything posssible. You could summon a demon to help you find arcane knowledge in a dusty old tome. Or you could order a book from Amazon. I'm just saying. Not only is it more efficient — with one-click delivery and free shipping — but you're still summoning a demon and it's still magick. We're all Wizards now.

Aries: What's the best thing you can do without leaving the house? Today I performed miracles using only my laptop and a cup of tea. Stay indoors. Sunshine is a bug, not a feature. Whatever your philosophy in life now would be a good time to change it to something less caustic. Make art, not war. Bankers, lawyers, and politicians run amok — but no — it's people trying to make a living from their art that are evil and wrong. Welcome to Sarcasm. Please enjoy your stay. Sarcasm's lovely this time of year. The food's not to everyone's taste but it feels like home.

Taurus: The only problem with introducing your kids to great music is that they could rebel by listening to terrible music. I hereby declare today and every other day 'National Tell Your Favourite Musician What Their Music Means To You Whilst They're Still Alive Day.' It doesn't matter what day it is. You can spend all day listening to music and drinking tea. If you're having a crappy day try my cure for a bad mood: listen to angry music at obnoxious volumes or just rip someone's head off and have done with it. As effective today as when I was 12.

Gemini: Are you a Fraggle or a Doozer and why? Fraggles say: "Dance your cares away, *clap clap* Worries for another day, Let the music play, *clap clap* Down at Fraggle Rock." Doozers say: "Work your cares away, *clap clap* Dancing for another day, Let the Fraggles play, *clap clap* Down at Fraggle Rock." From Monday to Friday I'm a Doozer but on evenings and weekends I'm a Fraggle and I'll always be a Fraggle at heart. I suspect that most of you are the same. If you never watched Fraggle Rock or don't know a Doozer from a Fraggle then we can't be friends.

Cancer: Let's play music together on YouTube! Let's lip sync to songs! Let's all pretend to hold hands across the internet! Or you could sit with your thoughts for a bit? Maybe have a nice cup of tea? Maybe write something? I don't really care what you do so long as you shut the fuck up. I'm starting to think extroverts live in a bizarre alternative reality where it's hard to spend time by yourself, or sit with your own thoughts, without the need to record yourself and put it up on YouTube so that you can feel like you've done shit with other people. Read a book!

Leo: "I'm a Social Media Expert: I love Twitter and hate Facebook." I said that in a meeting once. Sadly they didn't have a sense of humour. Hide all your friend's Facebook updates from your news feed so you can ask how they're doing when you catch up with them in the real world and genuinely act surprised. People on Twitter are fictional characters that live in your phone. All we are is words on a screen, dude. Go for a walk instead. There's nothing I want to say on social media that isn't venomous sarcasm. I'll probably take a vow of silence. Or write a book.

Virgo: Act like a jerk and the world will embrace you as an equal. Don't worry, the world knows you're not acting. The gods are angry with you. What have you done to anger them? There's probably a list somewhere. Write out your own long list of everything bad that you've ever done and how you could make amends. Next write out a list of all the good that you've done. Don't worry, I made up that thing about the list, but it's a good exercise to go through nonetheless. The gods don't give a crap about any of it, of course, but your lists will still be fun to read.

Libra: Introverts should get together in secret to overthrow the tyranny of nosey extroverts. We won't, as we know how to mind our own business, but we should. Sorry, wrong meeting. Do you ever wonder what became of so-and-so? You know who I mean. Nothing. Nothing became of them. Just like the rest of us. Life is a shitty first draft. You only get rewrites if you're buddhist. Kierkegaard said: "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." Live your life so that others can have a good laugh and learn from your mistakes.

Scorpio: Unplug your computer. Live off the grid. Gouge out your eyes. Cut off yor ears. Or just wait for a bit; it's your call. According to Web MD's symptom checker you're either terminally ill, contagious or a hypochondriac. You're only feeling fearful because you're being courageous. Don't panic. If you work really hard for the rest of the year then something, something, empty promise. Tea is all you need. As for fruit teas, teapots and tea toys? Get behind me, Satan! The Devil's alright, it's his accountants, lawyers and secretaries you need to watch out for.

Sagittarius: Fix the writer, not the writing — your bad writing isn't broken, it's just a byproduct. It's excellent compost for good writing. Keep going. Try really hard not to suck! There's no excuse for not revising your work — unless you shit diamonds every morning, you've still got work to do. Become the writer who produces what you want to write or accept the writer you are. Don't worry about what font to use or other extraneous details. If font choice can make or break a book then it needs rewriting until people would still read it if it was scribbled in crayon.

Capricorn: There's always one isn't there? Dear Americans, please stop pronouncing niche as nitch and aluminium as a-loo-me-num. Also stop being warmongering gun nuts. But mostly that. I'm trying to teach Americans how to behave like a northerner, understand Yorkshire dialect and speak with a Yorkshire accent. You're welcome. They say that God's an American. That explains SO MUCH. You're either an American or an American't. Or 'better than Americans' like the rest of the planet. Wherever you live remember that we're all one. Especially you; you’re definitely one.

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