Asshole Astrology: Week of 21 June 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: If you cut the head off a plush toy then the stuffing falls out. Apparently. Today you’ll be mostly feeling unappreciated and wishing that you hadn’t bothered. Apparently. Today you will be mostly feeling melancholy. Apparently. There are laws against helping with someone’s hypothetical entity or kidnapping their imaginary friend. Apparently. Apparently you need to go to bed and get some sleep. Who knew? Who knew. And there’s probably a law against that too.

Pisces: Something tells me that you might be a Grammar Nazi. The thing you find most offensive about hate speech is its often shoddy grammar, spelling or punctuation. Correct grammar, spelling and punctuation aren’t optional extras. There’s no such thing as bad language — only bad grammar, bad spelling and bad punctuation. If you consult a grammar book this week it will tell you that there’s no language in which a double positive can possibly form a negative. Yeah, right.

Aries: If money is nothing but information does that mean poor people are dying of ignorance? It’s time to change your will. You’re not allowed to leave money to an imaginary friend unless he has a church. It doesn’t matter if Jesus was your childhood hero or you currently have a beard. You make no money working for others, little working for yourself, more with something people want, most if you’re a worthless evil scumbag. Don’t worry, either way, you’ve got it covered.

Taurus: Are you secretly Albert Camus? Because you’re definintely an existentialist. It doesn’t matter that you don’t think of yourself that way. Camus didn’t consider himself an existentialist because he wanted to distance himself from Sartre and so on. But his absurdism is a branch of existentialism regardless. Sisters of Mercy didn’t consider themselves a goth band but they were. Same goes for Fields of the Nephilim. In the words of a wise Pirate: “Yarrr what yarrr.”

Gemini: Groucho Marx said: “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” You need to become a digital hoarder to reduce some of your physical hoarding — mostly through digital media. With no CDs, movies, or books suddenly you have physical space in the real world. Your hard drive isn’t big enough but it’s better than the physical overwhelm. You may want to refer to yourself as an eccentric collector. It sounds better than hoarder.

Cancer: The song ‘Mama Told Me Not To Come’ isn’t about what you think it’s about. Yes that was a joke. No don’t email me to complain. The world doesn’t care about your opinions or talents. You can have tons of talent but it won’t necessarily keep you fed. If you have sharp instincts, though, you’ll never go hungry. As Albert Einstein probably never said: “The world is always ready to receive talent with open arms. Very often it does not know what to do with an octopus.”

Leo: A certain soap manufacturer uses marketing around the theme of body positivity to sell its products. They want you to believe that they’re all about body positivity. I’m all for body positivity. But soap manufacturers aren’t in the business of body positivity; they’re in the business of selling soap. Don’t pretend to be something that you’re not. This is what I’m saying. You may think that your marketing is slick but people can smell it from a mile away.

Virgo: Grant me the sarcasm to mock the things I cannot change, the wit to change the things I can and the cynicism to tell the difference. Sarcasm is the highest form of wit, thought provoking, and good for your brain. Up north it’s how we show we care. If you don’t know what sarcasm is please look it up in the dictionary and shut up. As Sterling Archer said: “Was that sarcasm? Oh, good, because your opinion matters, and since you seem unclear on the concept, that was sarcasm.”

Libra: You: Why have I put on so much weight? Fridge: I’ve no idea. Would you like a sandwich? Insomnia: Great idea — and it’s only 4am! You: Bugger. You know those crazy neighbours who do the weirdest things at inexplicable hours? They say the same thing about you. I read somewhere that: “The British find self-revealing, enthusiastically-open and emotionally transparent people quite uncomfortable.” Yup. I’m also an introvert. This is why we can’t be friends.

Scorpio: It turns out that your shiny hand-held internet distraction device can be used as a phone. I went to great lengths to bypass a productivity app called Self-Control. That’s all you need to know about me. What about you? Can you resist distraction? Did you pass the test? Welcome to the secret order of the giant rabbit. We meet on Tuesdays. You once tried to set up a Misanthropes Anonymous but they hated each other on principle and refused to attend meetings.

Sagittarius: When people say “Speak for yourself” do you secretly long to punch them because you always speak only for yourself? Relax. You’re among friends. You speak for yourself — that’s good enough for us. You’re a barely employable hobo writer bum. Your worth to society, based on that alone, is less than zero. And people wonder why you break the rules, think for yourself, and disrespect authority. Most people are vanilla. Now you’re thinking about ice cream. Stop it.

Capricorn: You can settle most arguments with a suitable quote from The Simpsons. What other truths do you feel ready to explore? The economic function of money is slavery. Sorry, wrong meeting. Slavery’s wrong and we don’t allow it. If we want poor people to work in indentured servitude we call it a job. Advertising Executives are salivating: Slavery wasn’t abolished, just rebranded. People are lapping it up. Choose your own career path. The big lie. Slavery 2.0.

James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel. Subscribe to Asshole Astrology for regular horoscopes.