Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Read them all — that way you have 12 short essays that are all about you.

Aquarius: It will do you good to recognise and accept your limitations for a change. For example, you may start thinking: "I should start a podcast or make a video or something." Then you remember that you hate public speaking and you're not a shiny happy millennial or narcissistic sociopath. Well, at least not one who likes to record themselves showing off. You've a face that's made for radio and a voice made for the Shipping forecast.

Pisces: I was once followed by a famous celebrity psychic and promptly unfollowed a few hours later — not so psychic after all then, eh? This week you aren't psychic either. It's not too late to reverse any bad decisions that you think you've made. What comes to mind? I knew you were going to say that. *hold for laugh* But don't expect other people to be mind readers either. You're about as transparent as a window that's been shat on by pigeons.

Aries: Anything that you said you'd do before the zombie apocalypse happened is hereby null and void. From now on it's pretty much guaranteed that you won't do any of the things that you said you'd do. If anyone's unhappy about that then tell them to come see you after the world ends. But when you say you're busy do you mean in real life or on Animal Crossing? Because if all you're going to do is play games then we need to have words.

Taurus: You fancy yourself as a bit of a Satanist. When you say Satanism do you mean Church of Satan, The Satanic Temple, or just anything that will get religious zealots in a twist? Are you an acolyte or an activist? It's good to be specific. Let's be honest though, as much as you believe in science and logic and supporting human rights, bathing in goat blood and sacrificing children to honour your imaginary friends sounds like way more fun.

Gemini: I want to open a pub called Crowley's. Not to open a pub — just to meet all the interesting oddballs who drink there. Who from history would you be drinking buddies with if you had the chance to frequent such an establishment? Why do you think that is? What does that say about you? I'd probably drink with Yeats at least once for good measure. He hated Crowley. Aleister Crowley’s poetry is shit. I’m just putting that out there.

Cancer: You don't do hugs. That's exactly why you need them. The world knows you're not a good actor. Even complete strangers can see that you're not doing so well. This is fine so long as they don't use the opportunity to insult you and suggest that you should give up and go home. If they do then that should only serve to make you more determined. The best response is to thank them kindly and move on. Thank you kindly secretly means fuck you.

Leo: If you're serious about making your plans for world dominiation into reality then you need to drink more tea. A cup of tea solves everything — including running out of tea. Tea makes everything possible. That includes taking over the world. What would your ideal world look like? I'd be a pretty benign world leader. Free tea for everyone. Three day work week. Work permitting, everyone can work from home or take their pets to work.

Virgo: I tried to dress down when I visited New York, for fear of getting mugged, and people assumed I was homeless. You probably need to shave. Metaphorically I mean. On the plus side at least you get to use "Not by the hair of my chinny chin" as a rhetorical device. It's important that you try to look your best this week. You never know who might be watching or who you might meet. Which is of course why you're reading stuff like this.

Libra: What's your favourite Johnny Cash song? Ring of Fire? Stop eating spicy food. Would you care to buy some magic beans? If you buy my magic beans you could be giant! How about a bridge? I've got a bridge to sell you. Don't be so gullible. It's not like you're daft enough to take the advice of fake horoscopes written by a disgruntled writer. But please do buy my magic beans. You need all the magic in your life that you can get.

Scorpio: What mask do you wear on public transport? I wanted one with a grinning skull to encourage people to keep their distance. My mum told me off for wanting to scare people. Whatever you go for, it's important for you to consider the masks that you wear and why you wear them. Give serious thought to wearing a grinning skull. The reverse psychology will offer more protection than the actual mask, of course, but at least you'll look boss.

Sagittarius: I always thought it would be hilarious to have a demon character who secretly likes terrible pop music and is embarrassed about it. Maybe I watched too much Buffy but I still think it's funny that a demon would have a secret place in their heart for bad music. This is a great metaphor for your life this week. Think about why that's the case. It's also true that Demons have terrible taste in music. How do I know this? Sorry, wrong meeting.

Capricorn: Random people may try to make snide remarks to you along the lines of saying that you seem depressed, overwhelmed, mentally ill, need to get help, shut up, stop talking, or stop writing. What's their problem? Some people don't have a sense of humour or know how to take a joke. It's perfectly ok to fuck with those people. Permission granted. They won't get the punchline but they will line up to punch you. Do it anyway. Haters gonna hate.