Asshole Astrology — Week of 2 November 2020

Horoscopes for Horrible People

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: There I was, farting around on the internet, when I stumbled across an article. It was one of those self-help productivity tips kind of things. I read it and, what do you know, it turned my life around. I stopped procrastinating and made all my dreams come true. Said no-one ever. Assume that you already have everything you need to do whatever it is that you want to do. Just as a thought experiment. I’m not asking you to believe this is literally true. See what happens. You’ve probably more resources than you realise. Self-help doesn’t help. Help yourself.

Pisces: Anodyne self-help articles, get rich quick schemes, and posts on how much money tech-bros make are just what you need to take things to the next level. Between you and me, I do realise that a lot of my horoscopes read like the opening paragraphs of some sort of snarky self-help article; so I could always use them as a launching pad for articles and expand upon them. They’re all secretly about you. I hand-crafted them specifically so that you would read them and be inspired. Joking aside that’s actually kind of true. You’re welcome. Happy adventuring!

Aries: Beware Self-Help. Especially the most popular stuff. The masses are asses. As a rough rule of thumb it’s safe to read any business or self-help book until you get to the same tired anecdote about Benjamin Franklin, Henry Ford, Helen Keller or Rosa Parks. Then stop. Likewise, listen to business or self-help audiobooks until they say nitch instead of niche. In other words do neither of these things. I’m pretty sure these sort of books are made on an assembly line. Don’t get me started on saying nitch instead of niche. I might become what you call unhelpful.

Taurus: You sometimes worry that people mistake you for a troll — you’re grumpy, sarcastic, shabby-looking and may as well live under a bridge. But you’re not a troll. I say you but I mean me. You’re right, helpful internet troll, the thing I said is wildly implausible and factually inaccurate but that’s how jokes work and your suggested alternatives are tedious and unfunny. Literally don’t take anything I say literally. This is literally not the time to take anything literally. When you take anything I say literally I literally want to punch you in the face.

Gemini: I love when people complain that you’re passive aggressive — would they prefer you to be actively hostile? I ask for a friend. That’s what I figured. But then again you did download Animal Crossing. So I feel like maybe I don’t know you at all. These are the jokes, folks. It’s important that you reach out and talk to people. Think of it not in terms of making friends but as an exercise in allowing people to realise just how thoroughly unimpressive and uninteresting you are in real life. I mean that in a good way. You’re the right kind and amount of normal.

Cancer: If you do what you’re about to you could create a paradox so big it rips a hole in the spacetime continuum. I say go for it. In the words of the ancients one should make their decisions within the space of seven breaths. About the time it takes to drink a cup of tea. The first thing I do before anything is drink tea. Even before drinking tea. Which is itstelf a paradox if you stop and think about it. To prove my point: I just drank tea. Now I’m going for a walk. Please make sure the kettle is on for when I get back. I’m So Meta Even This Acronym.

Leo: When you go to the Apple store they’re so friendly and helpful that you don’t feel like you’ve been mugged. You need to make note of how this works. The Apple Watch can tell the time and is made out of miracles. At the very least it costs way more than a normal watch so it must be good. Apple wants to sell iPhones without EarPods or a charger. Ok, so sell it without the price tag too. What next? iPhones sold without a battery? Without a phone? Just send people an empty box and have done with it. The AirPhone: to use it you need to talk to people in person. They’re so friendly and helpful though.

Virgo: Love your haters. Your very existence annoys them but they read everything you write, check in on you daily, and have an opinion about everything you say or do. You’d almost think that they were fans of yours. The world is full of opinionated assholes. Discuss. The value of your opinion is inversely proportional to the frequency with which you offer it. I’m just putting that out there. People may think that they’re entitled to an opinion about how you choose to live your life but they’re not. Life isn’t a democracy. It’s a benign dictatorship at best.

Libra: I once got an email from Noam Chomsky. The man famously said: “It is the responsibility of intellectuals to speak the truth and to expose lies.” Not in his email to me of course. My pet hate at the moment is people, including family members, who say things like “Well that’s your opinion” or “I’m just as entitled to my opinion” when confronted with SCIENCE or FACTS. No. Your opinion isn’t just as valid as any other. Your opinion is wrong. One person’s propaganda is another person’s prophecy. Fake news is fake news. Tell the truth and they’ll accuse you of writing dark satire.

Scorpio: There are two kinds of truth: the lies we tell to ourselves and the lies we tell to each other. I love it when people give you their unsolicited opinion, on things in your life they know nothing about, then act butthurt at your response. People get very confused about the idea of holding conflicting opinions. I’m offended by this! How dare you go round having opinions! You’re opinion shaming my opinions! Someone actually said that to me once. Ok, I’m paraphrasing but they genuinely used the phrase ‘opinion shaming’ and to this day I’m still like WTF.

Sagittarius: It’s time to delete your social media accounts and go offline for a while. So that Skynet won’t find you. You soon find out who your friends are when you delete Facebook or unfollow people on Twitter. If you don’t want people to see your tweets then you probably shouldn’t be on Twitter. If you disappear from Twitter your followers will blink and move on. If you die alone your cats will probably eat you. These should not be thought of as separate things. Cats don’t have owners; they own humans. Satanists are the number one employer of cats. Everyone knows that.

Capricorn: Why Don’t You Just Switch Off Your Internet and Go and Do Something Less Boring Instead? The next time you see a book or movie that you don’t like instead of expressing your outrage on the internet why not channel all of that energy into creating some art of your own and release that art into the world so that it can be shat upon by strangers who will never create anything. People shouldn’t offer unasked for advice. That’s my unasked for advice. When people start their sentences with: “I think you should” “Why don’t you” and so on it’s ok for you to slap them.

James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. Sign up for his newsletter for the inside track on all his creative projects and unusual insights about life, work and travel.