Asshole Astrology — Week of 19 October 2020

What does the universe have in store for you?

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: Everyone on the internet is fiction. They’re not real until you meet them in the real world and even then they’re probably lying about something. Don’t place too much stock in the imaginary friends who live on your phone — better known as your social media friends and followers. That said you’re responsible for everything and everyone in your life. The common factor in all your relationships is you. This includes love, friendship, work, and any other aspect of your life. Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, you’re the problem? Don’t worry, you’re among friends.

Pisces: In life and work you feel like you’re trying to keep an increasing number of plates spinning but no-one cares if you drop them and walk away. There’s a lesson in there somewhere but it’s not the one that you’re hoping for. As much as you think that the lesson ought to be about how stoic stick-to-it-ness leads to success the truth is quite the opposite. No-one cares. Drop it all and walk away. Nothing you’re currently doing matters nearly as much as you think that it does. That’s the lesson. Stop trying to martyr yourself as the patron saint of hopeless causes.

Aries: Yet another politician’s scandalous biography is out. It’s called ‘Lies, Damned Lies, and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them.’ It doesn’t matter. There once was a man from Nantucket but the stories about him are greatly exaggerated. Just have the courage of your convictions and know which side you’re on. Like William Faulkner said: “Never be afraid to raise your voice for honesty and truth and compassion against injustice and lying and greed.” Stand up for what you believe in. Don’t call yourself an activist if all you mean is you complain a lot on Twitter.

Taurus: We’re just emailing you to say thanks for asking us to stop emailing you. We’re totally gonna do that but it may take a while. Email is hard. This could take a while. You might as well wait for Hell to freeze over. Worth a visit if you’ve not been yet. We will gladly try to meet all of your unreasonable demands but there’s a backlog of them to deal with here first so please be patient. In the meantime it’s ok to feel crazy, depressed, and exasperated sometimes. It’s the only pragmatic reaction to an insouciant reality and how small and insignificant we all are.

Gemini: Life is a journey. Time is a truck. You are roadkill. Life is indeed a long journey. You might want to go to the toilet before you set off. You know what they say: a journey of a thousand miles begins with putting the kettle on. Every journey begins with a cup of tea but that’s one of the reasons why you need to consider having plenty of toilet breaks along the way. My favourite myth is the hero’s journey from Joseph Campbell’s ‘The Hero with a Thousand Faces’ because it’s the heart of every story. Where will you go on your journey in life? Safe travels.

Cancer: When someone says something stupid you assume that they’re joking. When you tell a joke they assume that you’re stupid. And when you’re being sarcastic that you’re criminally insane. Don’t get me wrong, I for one think that you’re hilarious, it’s just that pretty much everyone has lost their sense of humour or been replaced by pod people. Keep your negative thoughts, snark, bitterness and sarcasm to yourself. You might want to take a vow of silence for a few months. Use your inside voice. If it was funny in your head then that’s the best place to keep it.

Leo: I read a book that said: “The British find self-revealing, enthusiastically-open and emotionally transparent people quite uncomfortable.” Yup. I’m also an introvert. What you need to decide for yourself is which side of the line you fall. Are you an innie or an outie? You know, like a belly button. The world is wired for extroverts but the best people are usually introverts. They have the advantage because they listen harder. Imagine what the world would be like if it was made for introverts instead. Try to make your home conducive to your needs.

Virgo: Write down your dream thoughts — literally the thoughts you have in dreams just before you wake up. They contain wisdom that will help you in your life. Here are some of mine: The human mind is pretty amazing if you think about it. Meeting people in real life is just ‘Skype at actual scale.’ The duvet is one of the most civilised inventions — second only to the tea kettle. How did people wake up before bladders were invented? As I woke up from a dream once I said: “Say hello to mice. Be nice to people.” I don’t know why I said it but it’s still good advice.

Libra: Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. I’m pretty sure that I’ve said that before. It’s ok to repeat yourself. Just not where unproductive behaviours are concerned. Put the internet down and back away slowly. I don’t know what you meant to do today but I’m pretty sure that ‘repeatedly check Facebook and Twitter’ wasn’t on the list. Yes you really should leave the house and play outside for a while. In the sun. At some point. This week. Don’t scurry under rock. It will do you some good. The greatest thing you can do these days is live your life.

Scorpio: When asked: “Is there intelligent life on earth?” the aliens replied: “Yes, but were only visiting.” This week you will repeatedly feel like the universe has tried to teach you an important lesson but you don’t understand what it is. It’s ok if you’re a little slow on the uptake. Being blonde is just a state of mind. What page would you be on if your life was a book? You’re probably at the point where you’ve no idea what happens next but hope that there’s a happy ending. Just like every other human being on this little rock we like to call home.

Sagittarius: I saw a chicken today talking to a frog outside the library. The chicken said: “Book! Book! Book!” and the frog said: “Reddit.” That’s an excellent joke and you know it. At work you may be expected to hold your tongue. It’s ok to mind your manners so long as you speak your mind. Your tongue may be pointed but at least it’s never forked. That said, we believe that if your boss found out about your Twitter account right now there’s an 18% chance you’d get fired. Don’t worry about getting fired; just stand up for yourself and start looking for a better job.

Capricorn: It looks like you may have managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. You might want to quit at the first obstacle but don’t give up just yet. As much as you’d love to spend your life sat in your underwear reading books and watching films it seems the universe has other plans for you. When you say “I surrender” that’s not the same as saying “I give up.” Trust the universe and it will all work out for the best. Just remember that as much as you can trust the universe you can’t trust atoms — they make up everything. Thank you, I’ll be here all week.