Asshole Astrology: Week of 19 July 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: Crowley defined magick as “the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with the will.” Anyone with broadband is a magician. All writers are shamans and creativity is a magickal act — that’s why we’re so good at spelling. Creativity’s rooted in myth and magick — from shamans walking between worlds to writers hunched over scribbled pages at four in the morning. Your homework: Read ‘Book of Lies: The Disinformation Guide to Magick and the Occult.’

Pisces: A new life awaits you in the off-world colonies. The chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure. Anyone who gets Blade Runner references is a friend of mine. Some people in the world have never seen Blade Runner, The Princess Bride, Pulp Fiction, Leon, Pan’s Labyrinth, Amelie, Princess Mononoke, The Matrix, Fight Club, Star Wars, or The Big Lebowski. This is how you know the world is fucked. May the owl from Blade Runner haunt all your dreams.

Aries: As much as you might want to stay up all night watching horror films; you should go to bed and get some sleep. Your dreams are scary, weird, and fun — you could always watch them instead. Set your watch for an hour. Sit with your novel: just look at your work. Then, when you can’t stand it any longer, begin writing. Alarm clocks are useless. The only thing that wakes you up is the sound of a kettle boiling when there’s tea in the house. This is why we can be friends.

Taurus: Trigger Warning — reality still hates you. I mean that in a good way. Your friends will complain that you dropped off the face of the earth when all you’ve really done is delete Facebook. Whilst we’re on the subject of hopeless causes: Please explain the appeal of Captain Beefheart to me. Is there a compilation or album you’d recommend? Trout Mask Replica is Beefheart’s magnum opus. I’d rather cut my ears off with a rusty razor than listen to it again.

Gemini: I read a piece called ‘Five Things to Say to Get the Job You Want.’ My response:

1. Everybody be cool this is a robbery.
2. I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.
3. May the Force be with you.
4. There is no spoon.
5. Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.

What would you say? Pretend that this is somehow a deep insight into your life. I can’t be bothered writing anything else. You’re welcome.

Cancer: We often say to others the words we long to hear. Congratulations on the publication of your novel. You’re gonna be okay. Have fun in Japan. Your main sources of entertainment should be creation, education, and communication — in that order — not consumption. You don’t have to change yourself to become capable of something. You only need to realise that you’re capable of anything. It’s ok to burn all your bridges so long as you’re prepared to walk through fire.

Leo: What’s the last line of a book that you love? Not yours; that’s cheating! One of mine is: “This is Kindly Light calling Manchester, come in Manchester, this is Kindly Light.” What’s the last line of your favourite book? If you know the last line of a book without having to search for it on the internet then we can be friends. As someone wiser than me once said: “You don’t have to burn books to destroy a culture. Just get people to stop reading them.” Ray Bradbury, innit?

Virgo: Nap: an insufficient amount of sleep at an inappropriate time from which you wake more tired than when you nodded off. Good morning. Wake up. Do your best! Never give up on your dreams. Get on the early train. That’s not a euphemism. Google Fraggle Rock. Watch it. You can thank me later. If you can’t bring down the system, just get paid to skive! Karma’s a wonderful thing, mate. Watch it. Karma, karma, karma, karma, karma, chameleon. You come and go, you come and go.

Libra: You tried being uncharacteristically selfish — to the point that it made you feel uncomfortable — but nobody noticed and everyone thought you were the same pushover as always. Maybe you need to up your game. Not every friend is the friend who will fight at your side post-zombie apocalypse. Some friends are just there for the pizza. How do you deal with a sociopath? It’s ok to tame them and keep them as a pet, right? You could always try finding better friends.

Scorpio: “Dear Universe, please stop being so subtle. When I said ‘give me a sign’ I meant a big flashing neon one pointing at the right path to take.” Does any of that sound familiar or like you at the moment? The universe is listening. But the universe doesn’t really care about you. Life is much easier to understand once you accept that the universe has a warped sense of humour and is trying to kill you for fun. Think Cthulhu more than Camus. Lovecraft was a pussy.

Sagittarius: Creativity is magick. From shamans walking between worlds to writers hunched over their typewriters at four in the morning: exact same deal. Writing is a magickal act. Thoth is the god of writing and the god of magick. It’s irony on a base level, but I like it. Oh, hush of course magick is real! You don’t need to believe in magick. You can just use it because it works so often, and with such humour, that it’s almost like the universe is showing off.

Capricorn: Writing is like banging a head full of words against a brick wall made out of fear, lack of talent, and blank pages. Love words as much as you can — just kill all the adverbs. No exceptions. This is ‘The Year of Writing Dangerously.’ What else were you going to do? Do you have somewhere else you need to be? Ok. Rant over. It’s safe to come out now. I won’t shout at you, I promise. Saying everything you want in a handful of lines is genuinely pretty diffic — 

James Garsideis an independent journalist and writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel. Subscribe to Asshole Astrology for regular horoscopes.