Asshole Astrology — Week of 19 April 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

I wrote my latest batch of comedy horoscope columns whilst drunk. I forgot that they’re supposed to be about the person reading them. 

So instead of saying ‘you’ do this and that I just ramble incoherently and complain a lot. 

That could be a thing, right?

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: My manifesto in a nutshell: “Become evil. Rule the world. Maybe drink tea first and sit down for a bit.” That about covers it, right? I’m being followed by lots of so-called productivity ninjas, marketing wizards and social media gurus — do you want to tell them or shall I? George Orwell said: “Journalism is printing what someone else does not want printed: everything else is public relations.” Hunter S. Thompson said: “You smell it? It’s the smell of bastards. It’s also the smell of truth. I smell Ink.” Noam Chomsky said: “It is the responsibility of intellectuals to speak the truth and to expose lies.” These should not be thought of as separate things. #NotTheEnemy

Pisces: Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have just a few months without having to put up with any sort of broadcast sport? I’ve an empty space where my opinions on sport should be. One smart fellow, he felt smart. Two smart fellows, they felt smart. Three smart fellows, they felt smart. And they all felt smart together. “[Sport] eh? What about them [Sport Team]? Yeah, what was [Sport Player] thinking.” That’s all I can manage when you talk to me about sport. I care naught for politics, sport, or the human race. My days as a journalist are numbered. Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows. Pictures of cats that can’t spell. Opinions about sport. Photos of my food. Better? Apathy and Scorn is a sport I’d enjoy.

Aries: When I used to teach creative writing on residential courses we got a new in-take of kids once who had been told by our regulars about the infamous Legolas. That was the nickname the first intake of kids gave me and it stuck. On my feedback form one of the new kids wrote: “Strangely normal ears.” I’ve said some terrible things about millennials. And to them. But I don’t really have nothing but contempt for you at all. And I don’t really think that you eat sunshine and shit glitter. For example. The truth: I used to teach kids on creative writing residential courses for a gifted and talented programme. They’re some of the best people that I ever met and it was an honour and a privilege to work with them.

Taurus: Tweeting is a kind of writing. Keep telling yourself that until you feel better. I once saw some graffiti that said “Is there intelligent life on earth?” Someone wrote underneath “Yes but we’re only visiting.” I genuinely thought I’d be dead by the age of 30. Then at 40 I stopped giving a fuck one way or the other. I mean that in a good way. 43 now and counting. I never watched The Wire, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, and so on. I’ve a funny feeling that my life hasn’t been negatively affected in any way whatsoever. Sorry, wrong meeting. So I had this great idea for a kids TV show: it’s about a time-travelling mass-murderering alien that shape-shifts every time it dies. It’s called Doctor Who.

Gemini: Is it counterproductive to start using a pseudonym when you’ve already got an established presence online under your real name? There’s several controversial subjects that I’d like to tackle but people don’t have a sense of humour about. I’m not too fond of getting death threats. I always wanted to write under the pseudonym Justin Case. Why? Just in case. Judging by my success as a writer so far that’s a phrase I need to learn. Aside from the obvious pun it’s also an inside joke because everyone called Justin is a giant douchebag. This is a scientific fact. Know anyone called Justin? Prove me wrong.

Cancer: I have a T-shirt that says: “Sarcasm. Just one of the many services I offer.” Do not call your procrastination laziness. Call it fear. Fear of: not being good enough, of not finishing, failure, success. You make no money working for others, a little working for yourself, more making something people want, and most if you’re a worthless evil scumbag. Become evil and rule the world — you’re probably much kinder than most supervillains. All writers are shamans and creativity is a magickal act — intended to manifest change and influence the real world. Sorry, wrong meeting. Here’s looking at you, kid.

Leo: An old woman tried to cuddle me on the train — I’m not happy about this. Hello Angry Bitter and Sarcastic! I’m Cold Rude and Judgmental. Good to meet you. Well whatever you’re going through I wish you well. [insert joke here][insert funny reason here even if no-one gets the joke] I now understand what they mean when they say that ‘charity begins at home.’ What is the true meaning of the phrase ‘charity begins at home’ to you? Someone needs an intervention. A friend aksed me: “Have you considered switching from tea to coffee?” My friend’s so funny. I’m still laughing. I love my friends.

Virgo: You’ll never find where the bodies are buried. I should point out that I’ve been filling out job application forms for three days straight so it’s nothing personal. Form: Please give us your existing and previous salaries, addresses of your schools, and everything else. Me: Why? Do you plan to clone me?! If you’re advertising for a Communications Manager the least you can do is learn to spell ‘communications’ properly. My pet hate is application forms that are badly-formatted, badly-written or contain grammar, spelling or punctuation errors. Or when they’re so broken they’re impossible to complete like a ruddy choose your own adventure game. In short all of them.

Libra: In Yorkshire politeness goes a LONG way. In Brighton people look down on you for it or treat it like an act of aggression?! After living down south in Brighton for 18 months I finally had my first FRIENDLY ‘conversation with a complete stranger.’ He was a NORTHERNER. SOUTHERNERS PISS ME OFF. The southern sense of humour seems very different to me, if there’s such a thing, as I grew up with bitter northern sarcasm. You probably wouldn’t be able to tell my accent north from south — I bet we all sound like Monty Python to you. There’s an important life lesson in there somewhere.

Scorpio: I dreamt I had a pet robot. It was incredibly clumsy and kept bumping into things but also had the power to bring people back to life. WTF? What would your life be like if it was a book? If my life was a book it’d have a brilliant opening, a disappointing middle, and by the end you’d be left wandering what the fuck just happened. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a nice cup of tea. I don’t care. I’m still free. You can’t take the sky from me. You know you’re getting old when the line “Yes a lot of people say that but I’m lovely once you get to know me” is no longer true.

Sagittarius: “When God was young he made the wind and the sun. And since then, it’s been a slow education.” I’ve started giving out fake productivity advice. Your to do list needs to be shit proof — especially if you get your best ideas on the toilet. That sort of thing. Stop reorganising your to do lists, reading productivity porn, and visualising successful outcomes. Go DO something. Define both the problem and the solution as yourself; so that you can do something about it. Every time you resist the urge to say “go fuck yourself” to someone an angel gets their wings. You’ve to admit my fake productivity advice is better than 99% of all other productivity advice.

Capricorn: Unplug your computer. Live off the grid. Gouge out your eyes. Cut off yor ears. Never do now what you can put off to the last possible second. Read email. Shout or swear. Take a deep breath. Write a polite response. Repeat as necessary. The best way to deal with everything life throws at you is to stop caring. Want an easier life? Lower your standards. Tweet your to do list. It’s not like you were going to do anything else with it now was it? Writers are miserable when not writing. Writers are also miserable when writing, but at least that’s more productive. Writers write, right? Right.