Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: I’ve missed you. Why did that feel like an insult? Would you care for a cup of tea? Sugar? One lump or two? I’m not trying to handle or enable you. I’m not your handler or enabler. The world you’re looking for is ‘encourage’ — you don’t need enabling. But you are a lot to handle. Fighting sleep through the power of your dreams is not the same thing as getting out of bed. WAKE UP! Sorry to disappoint you. OF COURSE you’re NOT procrastinating — it’s of genuinely strategic importance that you play Tetris at 4am in your underwear. STOP DOING THAT BY THE WAY.

Pisces: You type like a T-Rex. This is what killed off the dinosaurs. Dinosaurs aren’t really extinct. I think you’re thinking of dragons. You’re a dinosaur in some respects and a bum in others. Your career path looks more and more like an episode of The Littlest Hobo. You’re talented, I guess. But if you expect nothing from no-one then you’re never disappointed. So that’s a relief. Wait. People shouldn’t ask a question if they’re not prepared for an answer. I’m pretty sure that’s a Mexican proverb. Go stand on the naughty step. It’s not you it’s me. Ok it’s you.

Aries: According to Allen Ginsberg: “We are great writers on the same dreadful typewriter.” He was talking about his friendship with Jack Kerouac but it applies equally to the rest of us. Pour yourself a stiff drink, roll up your sleeves, and prepare to get your hands dirty. Writing is a bloody business after all. [insert whisky emoji here] Spoken like a true writer. When in doubt, blame Stephen King. Hemingway wouldn’t have blogged. Though he might have hunted bloggers with a shotgun. I’m just putting that out there. As it happens I was once taught poetry by a poet who said Allen Ginsberg was a fat overrated fraud. I didn’t like that teacher much after that.

Taurus: Haruki Murakami, Japanese novelist and short-story writer, runs marathons so he has the energy and stamina to write novels. *puts kettle on* I’d just started Japanese lessons when I went to Japan. I tried to ask bookshops if they had a book by Haruki Murakami. I later learnt that I’d been asking: “Does Haruki Murakami live here?” Haruki Murakami is awesome! To start with read ‘On Seeing the 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning.’ It isn’t my 100% favourite Murakami short story, that being Super-Frog Saves Tokyo, but it’s the one I relate to the most.

Gemini: “Think first, tweet later” is terrible advice. Drunken tweets and emails are never a good idea. GO TO BED. The thing I like most about Twitter is talking to people. But I’m sick of the toxicity and lynch mobs. So why look at any of it? People don’t use Twitter but moan when you unfollow them. A friend didn’t tweet in FOUR MONTHS got upset I unfollowed them. “Why do you auto-schedule your tweets?! It’s almost like you’ve a life outside of Twitter and want to get shit done.” People don’t understand or appreciate your efficiency. This is what I’m saying.

Cancer: I know this is a difficult time but I’m afraid there is a matter I must raise with you, monkey. I’m Batman. I mean I’m blond. That’s ok. I’m lying too. About Batman, I mean, not about being blond. Am I the only one who thought ‘batting your eyelashes’ was a reference to Batman? Sorry, did I say that out loud? Sometimes my friends speak like supervillains. I called one a monkey, as a term of endearment, and she said: “It is you who are the monkey!” Darwin thinks that we’re all monkeys but using ‘Monkey’ as a term of endearment will get you in trouble. Apparently.

Leo: I need something to read that won’t run out of batteries. *picks up a paperback* Never mind. As you were. Show more respect for your elders, Simba. You don’t have time to read books by people that aren’t already dead. You barely have time to read great books that have stood the test of time. That moment when you’ll feel entitled to sit on seats ‘reserved for the elderly’ on public transport is fast approaching. What we know: in the garden, naked and painted. Losing ground: moving backwards, faster and faster. Life’s too short to read shitty books. This is what I’m saying.

Virgo: Always check you’ve got the right film BEFORE you start watching. ‘Cabin Fever’ is not ‘The Cabin in the Woods.’ Big difference. Never put music on ‘just for a sec’ before going out — especially Rodriguez, Kimya Dawson, David Dondero or Bonnie Prince Billy. Although there IS a pub called ‘The Cock Tavern’ in London it’s a bad idea to tell people you’re looking for the cock in Soho. I’m just saying. Would you ask a drowning man how to swim? Stop reading all the productivity porn and list posts by supposed experts, ninjas and gurus and get some work done.

Libra: When talking with the women in your life that you care about there are far worse things you can make them feel other than angry: don’t ever make them feel indifferent, preoccupied or bored. What do Pirates knit with? YARRN! Thank you, I’m here all week. I was just thinking how you could probably get knitting needles through customs and airport security. And the moral of this story is don’t fuck with anyone who knows how to knit. Buy them some wool. Or you could always attempt to knit them some socks yourself. *starts knitting sock zombies for everyone instead*

Scorpio: What you said: “My baby’s been taken to hospital!” What you meant: “My laptop’s broken.” You make me laugh sometimes — I mean that in a good way! Anyway, you’re far too unique for there to be another you unless we had you cloned. What’s your business model? Someone sent me a marketing email requesting that I ask them a question on social media. I asked them something relevant and they basically dismissed me for asking a stupid question. That’s a pretty weird marketing strategy. Is phase one collect underpants and phase three profit? You can do better.

Sagittarius: I’m often accused of mansplaining. That’s when a man explains something, typically to a woman, in a manner regarded as condescending or patronising. Most of the time men don’t even know they’re doing it. I don’t know what they’re talking about; I’d never do that! *hold for laugh* Remember mansplaining back in the good old days when it was just called talking? I was mansplaining before it had a cool name. I always liked to give a nice backstory to whatever I was talking about, you know, just case you missed that episode of Big Bang Theory. I’m feeling much better now. For the record I’ve never been accused of mansplaining. That’s the joke.

Capricorn: People can ask me questions on Goodreads. Someone asked: “Why you are so angry?” How should I have replied? Should I even have replied at all? I literally don’t even. I was tempted just to say: “Yes.” Or “Practice.” Which is even better. Your suggestions would probably be much funnier than the answer that I went with. That’s because you’re a much nicer person than me! I used to be an angry young man — these days two out of three ain’t bad. As Stephen King said: “Humor is almost always anger with makeup on.” I wonder if his anger is dressed up as a clown?