Asshole Astrology — Week of 17 August 2020

It's make your mind up time. Are you in or out?

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

This week it’s make your mind up time.

Do you love these horoscopes enough to want them in your life?

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And if you don’t then don’t. I won’t judge you. But it can’t go on without your support.

I may have to roll them into Chapter 23, my newsletter, or scrap them entirely.

But if you subscribe then I will keep these humorous horoscopes separate as a special thing in their own right.

I will shower you with blessings. There will be infinite cookies and cups of tea.

Are you ready? Let’s do this!

Aquarius: I will write for food. What are you prepared to do in order to live your dreams? What’s the lowest form of your art that you’re willing to do for money? What will you do to get by? Put your worst foot forward this week. It’s more important you try every day than do a lot. That’s how I learnt to jump hurdles as a kid. Set the bar low enough that you can step over it. Then keep raising the bar. If you need to lower your standards then it helps to know what they are. Personally, I can’t tell my are’s from my elbow. *hold for laugh*

Pisces: This week you come out with one of your better puns. Punning is like cabbage. It has its uses but I don’t like it. So use your newfound powers sparingly and maybe open a window first. Scratched vinyl is the best vinyl. The signs of use mean it was loved and well played. Look around you at your posessions. What do you use the most? What does that tell you about what you like to do? Is there a particular hobby that you’d like to do more of? If so then do that. This is pretty self-explanatory. I shouldn’t have to spell it out.

Aries: I pay lip service to the belief that it’s each to their own taste taste in music. But I must confess that I used to tell people that KMFDM stood for Kill Motherfucking Depeche Mode. What opinions do you pay lip service to but not uphold in real life? KMFDM actually stands for Kein Mehrheit Für Die Mitleid, loosely translated by the band as “no pity for the majority.” Your homework for this week: Invent your own slogan that fits your world view. Live according to your values rather than those of the mob. Unless you’re a mobster of course.

Taurus: You’re feeling scary, sexy, quaint, quirky, and three other goth dwarves. I’m currently listening to everything by Angel Corpus Christi. “Me & My Beretta” is my favourite Angel Corpus Christi song. But she’s done loads of cover versions including an album full of instrumental covers played on an accordion! Allow yourself to get obsessed by someone or something this week. I mean in an artistic, tasteful and non-stalkerish kind of way. Read every Dan Brown novel. Listen to the entire back catalogue of Taylor Swift. Whatever.

Gemini: People are going to be mean to you this week — at work, outside, and at home. People are going to say mean things. They’re vain, selfish, and unreliable. They’re going to make life harder for you in ways that benefit themselves. That isn’t very nice of them now, is it? I feel like I’m stating the obvious here. I’ll shut up. My point is just that it’s the same for everyone. You’re the centre of your petty drama but only a bit-part in theirs. Get used to it. Read up on Stoicism and forbearance and try to move on with your life.

Cancer: Comic book writer Grant Morrison created the character King Mob as a Fiction Suit. He used him as a stand-in for himself in the Invisibles comics but also dressed like the character in real life. Michael Hutchence, the late lead singer of INXS, gave Kylie Minogue some similar advice. He told her to wear the on-stage persona of Kylie like a suit of clothes that she could take off and hang up when she got home. This week adopt a persona and use it as a force-multiplying tool. You are who you pretend to be. Pretend to be who you want.

Leo: It’s a beautiful day. Even if you still haven’t found what you’re looking for. It’s the sweetest thing. Even better than the real thing. It could be where the streets have no name or under the Joshua tree. Another time, another place. Get out of your own way. With or without you, sometimes you can’t make it on your own. Are you gonna wait forever? Hold me, thrill me, kiss me, kill me. I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight. U2 suck. That’s all I’m saying. Enjoy your week and if you listen to U2 then burn their albums.

Virgo: The thing that first struck me when reading Aleister Crowley was how funny he was. Humour is a sign of intelligence and I’m convinced that funny people can’t be all that bad. I’ll bet the Devil is hilarious. Who can you think of that’s unexpectedly funny? Make them your mentor if only for this week. Sure they might lead you from the path until you wake up in a ditch somewhere. But it has got to be better than listening to sour and humourless people who wouldn’t recognise a joke if it slapped them in the face with a wet fish.

Libra: I love Johnny Cash, called the man in black because he dressed that way in protest as explained by the song of the same name. He’s the reason I dress in black. I’ve dressed in black most days since I was a teen but as a child I’d wear lots of different colours. This reminds me of a goth I knew who always wore a red t-shirt. What is your uniform for this week and why will you wear it? Dress the same every day. Not only does it save you time spent obsessing about what to wear. It’s a powerful statement about who you want to be.

Scorpio: Do you hear voices? Can you see dead people? Do you have imaginary friends, spirit guides, or a coterie of particularly chatty angels? At least you’ll have lots of interesting conversations. That’s what you need more of this week. Forget the spooky stuff — just get out there and talk to people. Strike up conversations with people that you wouldn’t normally speak to. Be friendly. Make the first move. Start small talk. I know that’s not how you roll but that’s exactly the point. Get out of your head and into the world.

Sagittarius: I figured out that when intermittent fasting I can drink tea with milk as it only has 13 calories per cup. I round that up to 15. Which means on a fast day when I’m allowed 600 calories, if I don’t eat, I can drink 40 cups of tea. That’s about right for my tea consumption. So instead of fasting I just drink tea all day instead. Think about that this week. You’re about to figure out simple solutions to some of your problems. What shortcuts can you use that make life easier? For once in your life stop being so hard on yourself and chillax.

Capricorn: I’ve just realised how self-referential these horoscope columns have become. Sorry about that. I know that I’m a narcissist but what does that say about me? Let’s flip it round this week. What does everything and everyone in your life say about you? This is a really bad habit to get into as, drum roll, you’re not the centre of the universe. But it could be instructive as a thought experiment. Just this once. Pretend the universe is speaking to you and the language that it uses is the world around you. Listen to what it says.


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