Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Mr. Burns: Judging by his outlandish attire he’s some sort of free-thinking anarchist.
Smithers: I’ll call security, sir.
 — The Simpsons

Aquarius: I subscribe to the ‘Sooty and Sweep’ theory of politics: regardless of which puppet you prefer they’ve all got someone’s hand up their arse. I say subscribe to but I mean invented. Do you? Politicians are dishonest bastards but far more formidable enemies include big business and the military-industrial complex. There; my hat is now in the political ring. It also belies how old I am as I used to watch Sooty and Sweep. I also had a cuddly toy puppet Sooty but it never sold arms to third world countries, or used that as a prelude to war, even with my hand up its arse.

Pisces: Boris Johnson thought he’d managed to travel back in time using only the power of his mind. Someone had to explain to him that the clocks have gone back. Democracy is like a hedgehog: there are a lot of pricks and its preferred method of defence when under threat is to curl up into a ball. Life isn’t a democracy. People don’t get the right to vote on how you live yours. Your detractors are probably trying to sell you something. They think they’re entitled to an opinion about how you live your life but they’re not. Please can I drink tea now? I vote yes.

Aries: The Earl of Sandwich told John Wilkes he’d die of the pox or on the gallows. Wilkes replied: “That depends, my lord, whether I embrace your mistress or your principles.” What shaped your political outlook? Mine was informed by Blackadder, The Thick Of It, and so on. I may be guilty of dropping lines from these shows into conversation, and hoping no-one notices, but I don’t recall to that and I’ve no statement to make at this time. I have a cunning plan. First I’m going to have a little drinkie and then I’m going to execute the whole bally lot of you.

Taurus: People complain that you’re out for yourself. That’s ok. Clearly they’re not paying attention. Tell them to take a good look around them at the world we live in and shut their mouth. We live in an adversarial consumerist society ruled by a corrupt oligarchy disguised as a democracy. It’s basically a dictatorship but with shopping and crap TV to keep you fat, stupid, ignorant and docile. Sorry, wrong meeting. What’s your opinion? If you agree then put the kettle on and make tea. I sense a disturbance in the force. As though a thousand kettles boiled all at once.

Gemini: Spare a thought for your friends across the pond. US politicians are like vines, they strangle for personal gain, but in Blighty it’s much the same. What happened to my green and pleasant land? Censorship, public surveillance, corruption, corporate greed? We’re awfully good at it. We don’t assassinate politicians; we send them angry letters. Slavery is wrong and we don’t allow it in this country. If we want our poor people to work in indentured servitude we call it Workfare. Instead of rioting in the streets we form an orderly queue. But at least we have tea.

Cancer: Americans want me to start a Hear the British Guy Speak service where I say anything for money. Or politics as we like to call it. Liars tell you writers and artists shouldn’t get political. Fuck that. Writers and artists have voices. They must be political. William Burroughs said it best: “Artists to my mind are the real architects of change, and not the political legislators who implement change after the fact.” Politicians don’t own language — we do. They’re just there to tend to the garden. It’s our job to go into the woods to deal with the monsters.

Leo: Chomsky said it’s the responsibility of intellectuals to speak the truth and expose lies. Add be sarcastic and try to piss off the rich and powerful and you get the idea. The role of a court jester was to tell the truth but coat it in humour to make it palatable. He didn’t live long. The hardest thing to do is tell the truth. The truth is like a wet fart; messy and painful but better out than in. Sometimes what you dismiss as an inconsequential fart turns into a massive shit that catches you off-guard. That’s politics for you. Wait. Is that why he’s called Trump?

Virgo: UK government guidance on what to do during the pandemic is clear: Stay at home except when you leave the house. Go back to work unless you can work from home. Kids can go to school but can’t play together in the park. Drink tea from an old shoe. Only use umbrellas on a Tuesday. The UK government changed its shutdown message from “Stay at home, Save lives, Protect the NHS” to “Stay alert, Control the virus, Save lives.” There’s some debate about what it means but I think the message is clear. What they really want to say is: “Back to work, peasants!” Yip yip!

Libra: Bankers have been asked to wear condoms at all times so that you’re protected the next time they try to fuck you. Bankers, lawyers, and politicians all exist. But, no, it’s people trying to make a living from their art that are evil and wrong. If you’re obscure or starting out you’re irrelevant. If you succeed then you’re a sellout. Don’t you dare use your platform to talk politics or try to effect social change. Don’t give a voice to the voiceless. Stick to what you’re good at so they don’t have to take you seriously. To be clear: Fuck. That. Shit.

Scorpio: Don’t fret about election results. Unplug your computer. Live off the grid. Gouge out your eyes. Cut off yor ears. Or just wait; it’s your call. Politics should be about your policies, principles and performance, not personality, posturing or point-scoring. Of course the election was rigged. It’s rigged every year by the fact that who you vote for serves the banks, big business, and military-industrial complex. I saw two kids clutching cuddly toys: one with a pig, the other a bunny. Arguing, over which is which, and getting it wrong. Future politicians.

Sagittarius: Do you want to reduce the threat of terrorism in the world? Then stop behaving like terrorists. Sorry, wrong meeting. Edward Snowden should be applauded for his actions and given political asylum. Why the debate? Did I miss a meeting? Just because the NSA find terrorists it doesn’t justify the US spying on the whole world including its own innocent and unsuspecting citizens. Even the government crackdown on internet pornography had unintended consequences. Politicians are now mostly invisible online; given that so many of them are tits, dicks, pussies and asses.

Capricorn: Politicians want poor people to switch to vegan diets, under the pretence of saving the planet, whilst they continue to eat meat. Want an ethical alternative to eating meat? Eat the rich. The only problem is they might get stuck in your teeth. Dentists are a necessary evil. Politicians? Not so much. Why don’t we cull politicians instead of badgers? I know there’s too many of them, they’re a pest, and they carry diseases. That’s because they’re politicians. Now we’ve put the world to rights you should go for a walk before it gets too dark outside. Literally and figuratively.