Asshole Astrology: Week of 16 August 2021
Horoscopes for horrible people
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Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.
It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.
What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.
Aquarius:
Everyone is feeling a little worse for wear at the moment. Destroy your enemies whilst they have their guard down. What’s your life philosophy? Write it down and think about it at great length. Try to live by your philosophy. My philosophy would be all like: Drink tea. Be kind to everyone. Except to your enemies. You can learn to forgive. But it’s way more fun to drink blood from the hollowed-out skulls of your enemies. If you feel like you’re in Hell then send your enemies a postcard saying ‘Wish you were here.’
Pisces:
They say you should go: “Not a day without a line.” That’s words, not coke. Elie Wiesel said: “Write only if you cannot live without writing. Write only what you alone can write.” I say: Don’t pay writers. It only encourages them. (I’m just kidding.) I know that real writers are supposed to write every day or die or go crazy but sometimes you just don’t — which explains a lot really. I hereby encourage you to write every day. That doesn’t mean I want to read your drivel. Read a lot. Write a lot. Edit a lot. But burn most of it.
Aries:
Never tell god your plans. Especially if you’re an atheist. God is next to Santa on my list of unreliable people. That said, it’s good to have plans. What are your plans for world domination? What are your plans for the weekend? What are your plans for life? Whatever you want to accomplish in life you might want to break it down and get a little more specific than: “Buy milk. Write novel.” I like Anne Lamott’s list: “Be here now, love as if your whole life depended on it, find your life’s work, and try to get hold of a giant panda.”
Taurus:
I want to say something inspirational to you. But it’s a week day, so get off of my lawn. You’re not going to like what happens at work. You know when you’re accused of doing something bad, that you didn’t do, because of the incompetence of others? THAT. What would you say if interviewed by Oprah? Write it all down. This will give you massive clues about how you want to live your life and what you need to do to get there. I once dreamt that Oprah interviewed me. I said: “I’m a journalist, travel writer, and novelist. So I get paid to make shit up and I also write fiction.”
Gemini:
*sings* You’ve got a spider in your room, Doo-dah, Doo-dah. It looks quite hungry — get help soon, Oh, de doo-dah day. Check for spiders all night, check for spiders all day. You’ve got a spider in your room, Oh, de doo-dah day. *cough* Sorry, wrong meeting. What do you do with spiders in your house? I was advised by a spider expert to catch them and let them go outside. I used to squeal and throw them out of the window. I’m scared of spiders but try not to kill them. There’s a metaphor for life in there somewhere.
Cancer:
Buddhists Wanted: Enquire Within. Life is a shitty first draft — you don’t get to make it better in rewrites, unless you’re a buddhist. An angry buddhist once said to me, “The world is full of our souls.” I may have misheard him. *looks innocent* I’m a bad buddhist — I don’t sit, don’t believe in reincarnation and reserve my compassion for those that deserve it. How would you fare? Do you have what it takes to be a decent buddhist? Hell, do you have what it takes to be a decent human being full stop? Answers on a postcard, please.
Leo:
You know how if you wait all day for a parcel it doesn’t come but if you don’t it does? Well, pretend I said something sarcastic about that. You have mail! But your parcel, which was sent by recorded delivery, was put over the garden wall with “Garden” as the signature, signed by the driver. You paid 4.99 for delivery. Not for it to be thrown in the front yard where anyone can steal it. Metaphorically speaking of course. Unless you really do have a parcel on its way. In which case marvel at the accuracy of these predictions.
Virgo:
Do you describe yourself as a productivity ninja, SEO wizard or social media guru? Use your faux expertise to find the door. Open it. Step outside. Don’t let the door slam your arse on the way out. Whenever marketers or productivity experts spout gibberish imagine that they’re heavily constipated, gurning and straining as they speak. “It’s time to crush it!” “No pain no gain!” “I’m doubling down!” You’ll stop taking them so seriously and feel much happier. You’re welcome. Do you have a nitch? See a doctor.
Libra:
I’m not a good dancer. When it comes to nightclubs I’m the reason corners were invented. *does a little happy dance* You never saw that! How about you? Do you want to dance? *offers hand* What do you want to dance to? *leads you onto the dancefloor where we do the hokey cokey* Well, that was unexpected. Are you a good dancer? Is the rhythm going to get you? Do you have what it takes to express yourself through the power of dance? Jump in the line, rock your body in time. Ok, I believe you!
Scorpio:
As much as you’d love to spend the whole week sat in your underwear reading books and watching films, it seems the universe has other plans for you. Sometimes you feel like the universe has aligned itself against you — for your own good — because the only way to succeed is to work your way out. That’s alright then. That’s how it is for most people. So, stop reorganising your to do lists, reading productivity porn, and visualising successful outcomes — actually go DO something instead. How’s that for a lifehack?
Sagittarius:
Are you upset about the death of that celebrity? You know the one. Get over it. Famous people die every day. 150,000 people die every day. Mourn them. When I point this out someone gets upset and mistakenly thinks I’m being callous. Pick a day at random. Repeat every day. I say again: 150,000 people die every day. Which famous person who died do you think I’m talking about? I’m not. The point is that people die every day. Some of them are famous. None of them are more important than everyone else.
Capricorn:
Richard Branson said: “If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes — then learn how to do it later!” It’s okay to jump off a cliff and build your wings on the way down. So long as you put in the necessary work to avoid hitting the ground. Don’t fake it until you make it. Fake it until you become it. The only way to learn how to do something is to do it. Learn as you go. Or, to put it another way, as they said in the original Ghostbusters: If someone asks if you are a god, you say, YES!
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