Asshole Astrology — Week of 15 March 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: I said I’d stop calling you an alien. Now you’re saying you’re a robot. I didn’t ask. Make up your mind. “What you talkin’ about Willis?” You’re right — you are what you are. I’ll settle for creative and vaguely human. People drink because they’re broken and lack the natural joy and resilience they once had as children. What’s a good answer if co-workers ask your plans for the weekend? Besides the truth: Reading, writing and drinking whisky in your underwear. Just go with that — they’ll think that you’re joking. Ah, cool, I’m from West Yorkshire. Must be a northern thing!

Pisces: Your Kindle has two thousand unread books on it that you fully intend to read one day. Given that you’re not immortal this might be thought of as a little presumptuous. Do you think listening to unabridged audiobooks counts as reading books? I’m an auditory learner os I’m kinda screwed if it doesn’t. When do you give up on a book or audiobook that’s not working for you? Do you ditch and switch or continue to the bitter end? Is it ok to destroy a book you bought and love, copyright issues aside, to scan it and put it on your Kindle? Reading is important. This is what I’m saying.

Aries: What’s your favourite myth? What’s your cut-off point with fairweather friends who contact you out of the blue? So many months, years, or zero tolerance? Is it possible to maintain a digital presence (blog, social media etc) whilst living ‘off the grid’ (no internet at home). How would you do it? Have you seen my unicorn? Why are London people so unfriendly? Especially on the Underground? I’m not having a go; just curious. How would YOU respond if a potential employer asked you to divulge your CURRENT salary before deciding whether to interview you? And what do you love?

Taurus: How do you deal with ‘unreasonable people’? The obvious answer is ‘reasonably’ but it’s more fun if you fuck with their heads. What video games are brilliant and worth playing? What do you do with emotional book clutter? Especially your copies of books you’ve had published or are in? I think ‘Bonfire.’ Is it ok to wear black or oxblood red Doc Martens type boots with a business suit? What do you think of the practice of authors rating or reviewing their own work on sites like Goodreads? Which name do you prefer, Jim or James, and why? What should I do with my weekend? Get well soon.

Gemini: A Public Affairs tutor once asked if I knew the words to God Save the Queen. I recited the Sex Pistols version by heart. He was unimpressed. Whilst on my break I edited a book, wrote a foreword, reviewed a book, had a job interview, did a presentation. I can have cake now, right? There comes a time in every writer’s life when you realise that you’re not going to make it. That awkward moment when you realise that most upcoming novelists are about ten years younger than you and you still haven’t written a novel. Keep calm, drink tea, and carry on. What else are you gonna do about it?

Cancer: I love it when you say something sarcastic and people correct you because they disagree and don’t know you’re joking. Smoke in bed. All sofas should come equipped with blankets. You’ll make an excellent mother. That sort of thing. Mark Twain said: “Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” It probably wasn’t Mark Twain who said that but people are idiots so who’s going to know? A cup of tea solves everything. As would a cup of Hemlock but that’s not the vibe we’re going for. Take my advice on your first cup of the day.

Leo: Take humiliating photos of yourself and put them on the internet. Wait. What are you doing? I just meant like Instagram. I miss Robert Anton Wilson. I’m just saying. Fight others for the sake of yourself. “You do you, boo.” I like that. Perhaps I’m doing it wrong. I love chatting with people all over the world on Twitter. Because I’m not a spambot and assume you are until you talk to me like a human. Maybe I should spam you and try to sell shit instead? No matter what time it is where you are it is practically any other time somewhere else in the world. Too early or late? TURN OFF YOUR PHONE.

Virgo: Zombies can’t bite through metal — they have a really poor dental plan. If a technology company made its products unhackable you’d buy those products on general principle. People don’t appreciate being told about how Twitter and Email are asynchronous communication at five in the morning. Apparently. I can show you on the doll where Taylor Swift touched me. My ears! Why is the language you use so inclusive? Would you rather tickle a tiger or punch a shark? My doctor told me yesterday that I was exactly at the right age for a psychotic break. There are things you don’t need to know. This is what I’m saying.

Libra: I’ve spent most of the day asleep. Is it ok for proper writers to hibernate for winter? “I really do hope that I see you somewhere down the road.” This is probably the nicest thing someone has ever said to me but they’re not in my life any more. It’s sad when people you care about exit from your life. Especially when people who piss you off won’t take the hint. When I say I’m not your target audience what I mean is your book sucks and I’m offended you suggested that I read it. I can’t think of anything witty to say to that. Books are important. Reading them even more so. But I’d rather read Dostoevsky than your tripe about an emotionally challenged werewolf or whatever it was.

Scorpio: You’re as wise as you’re fluffy. Don’t worry, I know you’re not really a tribble; except in my head and in that episode of Star Trek. Stop digging for compliments. Also stop digging for bodies. Hmmm. Do you have a cat? Or connections to the mob? You’re a friendly enough demon so please feel free to stop by and say hello any time! Shhh, you’re not supposed to tell. I asked a friend how she’d deal with death threats. She said she’d give them a potato. A potato?! So basically she’d respond to death threats with Dada. Respect due! Random nonsense goes a long way. This is what I’m saying.

Sagittarius: Well, that was awkward. I’m off to put the kettle on. *baffled* I take this time to remind you: life is short and everybody dies. I’m grumpy, sleepy, smelly and the four other northern dwarves. All I want to do is write and travel and be healthy and happy — is that too much or not enough? Sorry, wrong meeting. Goodnight everybody. What do you want to do? You should probably do that then shouldn’t you? Disarmingly honest? Usually I’m just being sarcastic. I’m tired of being sick and sick of being tired. Do what you want, Comrade. I deny everything, Comrade. Cool. I’ll bring Vodka.

Capricorn: You’re so annoying with your minding your own business and not talking to people unless you have to. You’d be much more interesting if you posted cat pictures on the internet and told us what you ate for breakfast. Look, to save time, let’s just assume that everything I say is punctuated with an exclamation mark, smiley face, and meant in fun, ok? *looks innocent* Sorry. I’m in my happy place. I am available as a motivational speaker by the way. I salute you; or at least I would if I could be bothered. Now that you’re older you finally know what you want to be in life: Younger.