Asshole Astrology — Week of 15 February 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: You’re grumpy, cynical, antisocial, stubborn, tight-fisted and downright bloody-minded — but you mean well. In short are you sure that you’re not from West Yorkshire? I mean that in a good way. You often think your housemates are all messy bastards and should clean up after themselves. Then you remember that you live alone. As a rough rule of thumb: You tend to regret the things that you didn’t do more than the things you did do — except where alcohol is involved. Don’t worry, you’re not an alcoholic — they go to meetings. You’re a drunk — they go to parties. Important distinction.

Pisces: People will tell you that you do too much and work too hard. Or that you’re disorganised and lazy. For the SAME reasons. Your computer setup at home is like Wikileaks: lots of problem cables. People will assume that you’re disorganised because you write everything down. This annoys you because you stay incredibly organised precisely by writing EVERYTHING down. You have a system! Those notes get processed and put into your system. They will tell you that you appear disorganised because you’re always writing lists down on post-it notes and bits of paper. People are stupid. I’m just saying.

Aries: At work you’re seen as hard-working, organised, perfectionist and even uptight. Outside you’re seen as lazy, disorganised, creative and even nuts. What do you look like to yourself from the inside?Your thoughts? No spoilers but I’m guessing that it’s neither extreme. Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides. Or, you know, vice versa. Writers are the worst at this. Martin Amis said: “My life looked good on paper — where, in fact, almost all of it was being lived.” People are full of shit. Literally and figuratively. Stop comparing yours to others. This is what I’m saying.

Taurus: We hold these truths to be self-evident. That your average physiotherapist is more sadistic than your average dominatrix. When most Americans think I’m being serious, I’m joking — when they think I’m joking, I’m being serious. I’m still waiting for them to black bag me in the middle of the night for subversion. If there ever was a cat war, the cats would win it. Our only hope would be to distract them with shiny things. There are better ways to spend your days. According to Wikipedia: “Trappist monks generally speak only when necessary; thus idle talk is strongly discouraged.” Word.

Gemini: Damn, I thought you were a dragon. I just woke up. When people ask about your dreams they never mean “those” kind of dreams. You know when you fall asleep really early, then wake up and can’t sleep? Well, that. You: “I’m fine thanks. How are you?” You’re not and you can’t make me! Listen, listen! You’re among friends. You owe me nothing, just continue being awesome and kind — but if the kettle’s on, I won’t say no! Different viewpoints make you smile, think, argue, approve, support, challenge, encourage, connect. This is a good thing. There’s something very reassuring about this. *puts kettle on, grumbles and goes back to bed*

Cancer: My most disheartening reason for ever being unfollowed on Twitter? They thought I was a spambot that “just tweets funny things.” In deference to Hunter S Thompson I can think of no higher praise for a writer than: “The bastards are afraid of you.” I secretly love the word gaijin, even though it has negative connotations. All writers are gaijin. It takes as much energy to write one novel as it does to write two. Work on projects in tandem. When you’re sick of one, write the other. What you need to do on your lunchbreak is listen to Ice-T narrating Dungeons and Dragons. Just google it and thank me later.

Leo: They say dogs become like their owners. You also hate puppies and children. Just kidding. Apologising when someone barges into you even though it’s clearly their fault is tne English way. I ate a sausage bap, which made me want a bacon roll, which made me want a full english breakfast. Look, I don’t normally eat breakfast, ok? You may think the answer is always coffee. Not in Yorkshire it isn’t. Do you want a cup of tea is a greeting not a question. Either way morning without caffeine should be spelt mourning. *pushes glasses up nose*

Virgo: When asked “Do you think I’m fat?” or “Does my bum look big in this?” never say “Compared to what?” I’m just saying. What is your superpower? Mine’s the power of invisibility. Apparently. I’m like a fat, old, unkempt, lazy ninja. My horoscope said “Don’t become enfatuated with women who are indifferent to you.” That would be all of them then. According to the scales, I’ve lost weight. According to the mirror, I ate a fat bastard for breakfast. There’s something very wrong with this world. Don’t worry, I’m leaving at the first opportunity. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves.

Libra: Dear parents who’s offspring have just left home to go to university. Tonight your kids are getting totally shitfaced too. Humour and accidental harm often come hand in hand, I find. As does northernness and a love of sarcasm. You just made me laugh whilst drinking and I almost choked on my cup of tea — so there’s hope for you yet. Sentient robots aren’t possible yet, so if you wonder why people talk to you it means you’re probably human — which is the main reason really. You love sitting on the sofa at home but you’ve got places that you need to be. Put the sofa in the car.

Scorpio: There’s a movement called intentional blogging. Is it possible to blog unintentionally? Is that like when your cat walks on your keyboard? I don’t get it. Don’t you just hate rhetorical questions? If procrastinating counts as partying then you’re a party animal. You should attempt a 21-Day Complaint-Free Challenge. In other words, you should be forced to take a vow of silence. John Lennon said: “Lennon: “It matters not who you love, where you love, why you love, when you love or how you love, it matters only that you love.” I didn’t ask. Life is weird. Get over it.

Sagittarius: Apply for jobs. Get interviews. Don’t get the job. Feel like shit as people point out that you don’t have a job or should get a job. ANY JOB. The toll constant interviews takes on an introvert is like water torture but with HR departments. Alternatively you have an interview for a job that sounds more annoying than the one you already have in a place you’ve never been. Why did you even get up today? Next time you have an interview try the following script: You: “I’ve an overwhelming case of updog.” Interviewer: “What’s updog?” You: “Nothing’- up dog, what’s up with you?” Genius.

Capricorn: A mate once told me that you get women that you like to notice you by acting indifferent. I described being indifferent. He said “No, James, that’s just EVIL.” I wish people would stop asking me for relationship advice. Would you ask a drowning man how to swim? Well I’m fat, old, ill, ugly and single. Please don’t ask me for relationship advice. I especially wish women would stop asking me for relationship advice. I’m single, I hate people and, the last time I checked, I still have a dick. But no your new love interest is totally into you and you should totally wait for their call.