Asshole Astrology — Week of 14 September 2020

Horoscopes for Horrible People

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

You still need to read each one because they’re all secretly about you anyway.

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Aquarius: You want to create but the unchallenged assumption is that you have to work for someone, serve the market, and be a cog in the capitalist machine. You could always go freelance. That’s where you sit around in your underwear all day and get paid to do nothing, right? Back in the olden days a free lance was a medieval mercenary. So your productivity as a freelancer would be judged according to the number of dead knights you left lying around the place. I’m not sure if corpses count as client testimonials these days but you can at least try working for yourself.

Pisces: Always be reading. Write like there’s no tomorrow. These should not be thought of as separate things. There’s never enough time for either. Too often people want shortcuts to get people to read their work. Usually before they put in the work of writing good shit. Write the best stuff that you can. If you consistently write well you’ll find an audience. If you don’t then no amount of readers can help you. As for reading, you can’t read everything, but so long as you always try to read something enjoyable, great, obscure or interesting then I guess that’s ok.

Aries: What’s your excuse for everything? It’s time to make some new ones. I used being a northerner as my excuse, defence and justification at least three times today. What’s your get out of jail free card? “Well I thought it was funny” might have to replace “I’m blonde” and “Sorry, wrong meeting.” Never again will you be able to lie to yourself about everything you’d get done if only you had enough time. That excuse is gone. They say time is money but that’s a lie. Spend all your money and you can always get more. Spend all your time and you never get it back.

Taurus: A lot of famous stand-up comedians employ joke writers to write their material for them. Am I the only person who thinks this is cheating? They’re basically sock puppets saying someone else’s words. My stand-up comedy heroes are people like Bill Hicks; they’d never have dreamt of such a thing. Maybe you should become a stand-up comedian or maybe that’s a metaphor for your life? Standing up sounds like a lot more work than it’s worth. You could be a sit down stand up. That’s the name of your Netflix special: Sit Down Stand Up. Just write your own jokes.

Gemini: Are you a night owl or morning lark? I’ve been a night owl since birth. My productivity peaks once everyone’s in bed. My pet peeve is morning larks who think you’ll grow out of it. I never cease to be amazed by people who don’t like night owls, suggest that you not be one, and expect a friendly response. I’m also suspicious of people who say things like don’t clean when drunk or when you’ve insomnia because it’s unhealthy. If it wasn’t for drunken insomniac bouts of activity I’d never get anything done. Or ‘night owl productivity’ as I like to call it. Try it.

Cancer: You’re about to sit the existential equivalent of your Mock Exams. That’s where you get marks for being rude and making disparaging comments about people, right? You’ll be given marks out of 10 and judged based on your existing skillset. What do you need to study or bone up on that you don’t know already? You drink whisky, smoke cigars, shoot guns, and can strip down an engine blindfolded. You’re also wicked smart and some sort of math genius who builds robots for fun. Surely you’re an 11? Like it or not you’re already ready. I mean that in a good way.

Leo: How do you sort your laundry? I dump all my clean clothes in a basket in my room for sorting and wear clothes out of that basket first. All my dirty clothes go in a laundry hamper downstairs. When I’ve time, or before I do laundry again, I put the remaining clean clothes away. It’s good to have a system. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. But don’t expect everyone to adopt your system or hold to the same standards as you do. Some people are easily impressed and say: “You’re so organised!” just because you keep your papers in a folder in your bag.

Virgo: Sooner or later someone is bound to hurt your feelings. Don’t think of them as ‘feelings’ so much as ‘reasons to drink whisky.’ You need to develop a much thicker skin. Some people are too sensitive and quick to offend. Where I grew up you could tell someone to their face that they’re behaving like an arse and still be friends afterwards. The way that in Adventure Time BMO gets distracted in the middle of an explanation from someone else and says “Oh, I don’t care” is how I’ve felt about anything that anyone has said to me for at least the last decade.

Libra: Do you describe yourself as a productivity ninja, SEO wizard or social media guru? Grow up. If you work in an office then that’s the last thing you need. Use your faux expertise to find the door. Stop using ninja as an adjective or ninjas will verb your noun. The same goes for giants, rockstars, or anyone who uses fu to describe something that’s not a martial art. When a martial artist fights the same guy twice that’s déja fu. When a martial artist fights a giant that’s fee-fi-fo-fum fu. I’m not sure what you have but I’m pretty sure that you’ve had it before.

Scorpio: How’s things with you? All you need is love but it doesn’t hurt to have the royalties from a song like ‘All you need is love’ to fall back on. I’m just putting that out there. Some value outside more than inside. Some value inside more than outside. You can have either but you can’t have both. Don’t look to others for approval, advice, thanks, praise or directions. Or to tell you who you are. They’re good for hugs. That’s about it. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Just not necessarily in that order, from the same people, or in equal measure.

Sagittarius: Hubert Selby Jr said: “I started writing because I did not want to die having done nothing with my life.” Nora Roberts said: “Every time I hear writers talk about ‘the muse’ I just want to bitch-slap them. It’s a job. Do your job.” Between these two positions is the sweet spot to aim for when you’re writing. To the best of my knowledge you’re not dead yet. Legally I have to say this. Why do you write? A fan described my writing as a great read to inspire and affirm the benefits of a creative process. I’m still laughing and no, smartass, it wasn’t my mum.

Capricorn: It’s hard for you to have a dark night of the soul when your friends keep handing you a torch. It’s hard for the Dark Knight too. Can you imagine if Batman was real? You’d probably be a supervillain. People used to tell me that I grin like the Joker. Now I’m older and fatter I look more like Bane. Bane: Blurble blurble blurble. Everyone: HAHAHA! Say again? Bane: BLURBLE BLURBLE BLURBLE?! Everyone: HAHAHA! Kick his ass! “I’m only laughing on the outside. My smile is just skin deep. If you could see inside, I’m really crying. You might join me for a weep.”

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