Asshole Astrology: Week of 14 June 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: Your friends aren’t real if they live on your phone. This is why we can’t have nice things. Facebook: fake friendships with real people. Twitter: real friendships with fake people. You’ll learn less about a person in several years of friendship over the internet than in 30 minutes of real life over one cup of coffee. What rules do you try to live by? Rule #1: There are no rules. Rule #2: If you’re still looking for rules, read Rule #1. Rule #3: I SAID READ IT AGAIN.

Pisces: Whoever said that honesty is the best policy was probably lying. At work they told me to never play poker because my face was too expressive. Something tells me that you have a similar problem. You’re disarmingly honest. Read the news on any given day and you’d think the end was nigh. Head, meet Brick Wall. Brick Wall, this is Head. You’re going to spend a lot of time together. Here’s to the end of ‘the end of the world.’ History’s over — go make your story.

Aries: Don’t hide your light under a bushel. Hide it somewhere that has comedy value. What is a bushel anyway? Does anyone really know? You keep seeing stand-up comedians and thinking: I could do that. Except, you know, for the public speaking. And being funny. And standing up. Thank you, I’m here all week. 99% of everything I say to you is aimed squarely at making you laugh. At least my heart’s in the right place. Trust me; if I was famous you’d think I was hilarious.

Taurus: Americans have some ridiculous holidays. Did you know that there’s a Take Your Child to a Bookstore Day? That sounds great, doesn’t it? How many books do you get in exchange for each child? That’s the real question. Another question is which ridiculous holidays do you plan to celebrate? Invent some of your own. What other awesome things do you want to do? You’ve already done awesome stuff and met awesome people right? You’re way ahead of the game. Keep going!

Gemini: Your mind isn’t to be trusted. There’s a hamster wheel in there and everything. Life is an illusion. What is real? We’re all just words on a screen. Like a friend of mine who saw Star Wars starting as a kid at the cinema and said: “Is that it? Just one big story!” My favourite myth is the hero’s journey (Joseph Campbell’s Hero with a Thousand Faces), which inspired Star Wars, because it’s the heart of every story. If you’ve not read it then you know what to do.

Cancer: Never tell god your plans. Especially if you’re an atheist. Dear God, Your creation appears to be faulty. Shoddy workmanship. Here is our list of improvements. Sincerely, Science. Dear Religion, While you were debating how literally to take some millennia old texts I literally landed on Mars. Sincerely, Science. What are your plans for the weekend? That’s adorable. What is life? Who are we? Why is the sky blue? You scare me with your intimate questions. Go play!

Leo: You could achieve your dreams. You won’t. You could be happy. You won’t. Everything could work out for the best. It won’t. Welcome to your thought train — or train of thought — running 24/7. When in doubt, drink tea — you won’t be any closer to solving life’s mysteries, but you’ll feel better. TEACHER: “What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?” PUPIL: “I don’t know, and I don’t care.” What should you do? So far let’s just say you should probably have a lie in.

Virgo: What do you like to wear? Clothes. What kind of clothes? One’s that fit and don’t smell bad. It’s fair to say that you’re not a fashionista. You have no fashion sense but don’t worry — having no fashion sense is the new black. Once on a brief stint as a subeditor for Esquire magazine I fact-checked a cardigan that was listed as costing £3,500. It was correct. This is why we can’t have nice things, people. I READ NIETZSCHE AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT.

Libra: A guy in his 80s tried to get me into Jazz. Made me a cool tape full of rare vinyl. He failed but I did learn to appreciate it. I also realised years later that he’d cheated a little bit as most of the tracklisting came from one Best of Jazz CD. Appearances can be deceptive. This is what I’m saying. As a general rough rule of thumb: Underwear models that want you to watch their cam show aren’t really your friend. Find your people. The geek shall inherit the earth.

Scorpio: It’s good to have goals. Focus on the goal. Any goal. A worthy goal. Focus on what you really want and you’ll subconsciously make decisions that move you towards that goal. Assume that any obstacles that come your way are in fact the key to how you will achieve your goals. If you feel fulfilled at the end of the week, having finally overcome some tough challenges to achieve your goals, kindly shower me with money and recognition of my giving you excellent life advice.

Sagittarius: Life’s short — DO WHAT YOU WANT. So long as that doesn’t involve ruining the lives of others, you’re okay in my book. As Aleister Crowley said: “Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.” That’s exactly the context in which this advice is given. Stop thinking about SHOULD and literally just do what you WANT to do. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law except, you know, the other bits about not doing stuff. In other words: Don’t should all over yourself.

Capricorn: This news just in: doing stuff that’s bad for you is bad for you. So stop that. Only good bad’s good. Bad bad’s bad. Even things that are supposed to be good for you are bad for you. For example Decaf’s chemically processed and a waste of good tea. You’re not a monster! Not a total monster. You’re not evil. Not totally evil. You’re not bad. Maybe a little bad. You’re good bad not evil. Teach your heart to be strong. You are a bad teacher and your heart is a bad student.