Asshole Astrology — Week of 14 December 2020

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: All I’ve ever really wanted to do is write films, write books, and travel the world. And drink tea, of course, but I already do that consistently. Reduce it down to verbs and I write and travel whenever I can. What about you? What do you want to do with your life? Contrast that with: What do you actually do with your life? What are the verbs? Paint? Bake? Code? Decorate? Do those verbs every day. There are three ways to learn how to write: read a lot, write a lot, and when all else fails get other writers drunk. So: Read. Write. Drink. It’s that simple.

Pisces: What’s your ideal travel destination look like, how do you want to get there, and what do you plan to do when you get there? I hear that Sarcasm is lovely this time of year. Personally I don’t mind flying but love traveling on trains. My best holiday was in Japan many years ago. I love Japan so much that I cried when I left. I’m a bit of a city slicker but I prefer exploring scenery and culture over sitting on a beach. Plan your ideal trip right now. Make up travel itineraries for anywhere that you want to go. Go there in your mind until you can go there in real life.

Aries: There are two types of people: 1) People who love cats, music, and tea. 2) Demons who aren’t to be trusted. Listen to music every day. Whenever I feel depressed or my head doesn’t work, and wonder what’s missing from my life, the answer is always music. Sometimes a song comes to you at the right time. You’ll never hear it in quite the same way again but in the moment it speaks to you like nothing else. This is the music that stays with us. Revisit this music from these moments in your life. Yes sir, I can boogie. But as I need a certain song. I can boogie, boogie woogie, all night long.

Taurus: Ask burglars, pickpockets and thieves how to protect your house, secure your backpack or wallet, or avoid getting robbed. Trust their answers over people whose job it is to sell you security. Ask hackers about internet security. Isn’t it bad to know your passwords? It gives you a false sense of security. Someone could just torture you for them. Touch ID? Cut off your fingers. My passwords are so secure that even I can’t guess them. I’m so paranoid about internet security, privacy and identity theft that I assume anyone online is a fraud. I’m baffled by people who don’t. To Apple ID or not to Apple ID, what was your security question?

Gemini: There’s no need to have an existential crisis about who you really are. You’re already perfect. Perfection is enough. Perfection is the starting point of the soul. If you’re ever made to feel less than perfect or complete then someone is probably trying to sell you something. FNORD. I have seen the FNORD and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. They’re all around you. You just need to know how to see them. You usually glimpse them when you FNORD least expect it. If you don’t see the FNORD it can’t eat you. Whatever you do don’t look under the bed. Caffeine is a broad church. Can’t we all just SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE: TEA’S THE BEST. FNORD. get along?

Cancer: Go to bed. Only crazy people are awake now. Or people who just got up. You’re literally being lapped by people who haven’t had breakfast yet. It’s almost 4am here. Maybe next time you should check what time it is before you send out an important email? Remind me to kick your ass the next time I see you. I woke up, checked Twitter, wondered whether to drink tea or whisky, decided “Yes, in that order.” I dreamt that I met Jesus. When he asked me to sing I sang Sympathy For The Devil. He laughed. Then I went back to bed. Get some sleep. You look tired.

Leo: The best advice I was given was whenever you feel suicidal just sleep on it. You might not feel ‘better’ but you will feel different and that’s been enough to keep me alive for years. I sleep a lot as a result but it’s still good advice. When in doubt, over any big decision, sleep on it until morning. I’ve contemplated suicide every day of my life since the age of eleven — my ability to procrastinate knows no bounds. As Nietzsche said: “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.” Never act on your depression. Sleep on it. Wait until morning. It will change. Whatever gets you through the night.

Virgo: Kindle Author: BUY MY BOOK! IT’S ON SALE! Me: I’ve got the complete works of Shakespeare and Dostoevsky. ON MY PHONE. Sometimes I feel like everyone in the world is yelling: “Buy my book, friend me on Facebook, send me money, endorse my product, review my show, watch my film, visit my website, RT my advert.” Please don’t do that. The next time you get the urge please try this exercise instead: Imagine your perfect life. Where are you? What do you do? How does it feel? Write it down. STFU and GET BACK TO WORK. My book on marketing will be called Get In My Funnel.

Libra: My favourite Shakespeare quote is from Hamlet: “Words, words, words.” That’s William. Fucking. Shakespeare. Thank you for reading my words. Nobody is going to die if they don’t read your words — unless you write signs for a living like: ‘Beware of the lion.’ If I make you laugh then my work here is done. Ironically no-one will throw me money for being a writer. But if I say “Hear the British guy speak. I’m sat in my underwear.” I could make bank. What can you do for other people? What unexpected service could you provide? As Anya said in Buffy The Vampire Slayer: “I provide much needed… sarcasm.”

Scorpio: Sleep with the curtains open. The sun is a wonderful alarm clock. Even if you do wake up cowered in the darkest corner of the room HISSING. What is your darkest secret? I always wear odd socks. What is your darkest moment? In my student days I once blacked out drunk and came to on a nightclub dancefloor dancing to ABBA’s Dancing Queen. How do you respond when someone asks you to tell them your darkest secrets? I usually deflect with humour. Either that or I’ll say something sarcastic and avoid the question. I don’t have a darkest secret. They’re all dark.

Sagittarius: Lots of people keep smiling at me for no apparent reason and it’s creepy and weird. What seemingly normal behaviour freaks you out? What do you do that is likely to freak out other people? I’m not asking you to tell me where the bodies are buried, metaphorically speaking I hope, I just want you to think about it. Everything you do impacts other people in some way. You control your actions but you don’t control other people’s reactions. When people freak out it says more about them than it does about you. Responsibility. Response ability. Geddit?

Capricorn: You have the time and energy to do things? I’m in awe of you. I could do it but I lack the time, energy and inclination. We may have the wisdom and the will but lack the time, energy or inclination to do anything right now. As Albert Camus said: “Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.” Let your freak flag fly. Imagine how much energy you’d save if you didn’t have to coddle everyone. If we all put the same amount of energy into saving the planet as we do into saving canceled TV shows we could probably bring the planet back for a one-off special.