Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

Aquarius: You should try to use your inside voice for negative thoughts, snark, bitterness and sarcasm. As a result you won't have much to say. Sorry about that. Or, you know, you're welcome. Don't try so hard and don't be so critical of others. The things we spend the least amount of time and energy on have the tendency to get the most attention. Work as though it fell out by mistake. Nobody likes a pedan't… *hold for laugh*

Pisces: For any book you want to read: Download the Kindle sample for free. Read the Kindle sample. Note the table of contents. Brainstorm each section. Imagine what the book's like. Write your own version. Realise that you don't need to read it. If you still want to then read it anyway. It's all relative. Meditation isn't something you do. It's what happens when you stop doing everything else. To do is to be. To be is to do. Doobie doobie doo.

Aries: You often think that people are terrible. You also often think that people are kind. For every time someone confirms one position there are times when someone confirms the other. Sometimes they're even the same person. On balance you think that most people are kind most of the time. This week your behaviour has the casting vote. Will you be kind? It's ok to be kind even if you're usually obnoxious. You can be loud with your kindness.

Taurus: People are upset that the Indiana Jones films have become a franchise. Indy 5 isn't meant to be watched by anyone. It's made by Disney for Disney's shareholders. It's sad that Spielberg won't be back to direct but audiences still haven't forgiven him for the Crystal Skull. Indy is now just another Disney product. Indy 6 will be released exclusively as a range of fragrances. Indy 7 as a Happy Meal toy. This is your week in a nutshell.

Gemini: You've several unexplained long scratches on each leg. They appeared overnight and you've no idea how you got them. It looks like something with claws tried to grab you by the ankles and drag you straight to Hell. Either that or the tax man is after you. Or a disgruntled ex. The point is that this week someone wants to get their claws into you and not in the good way. They don't call them a murder of crows for nothing.

Cancer: After the lockdown is lifted please can we keep the two-metre social distancing rule? In cities across the UK people are queueing round the block to shop at Primark, our favourite sweatshop facilitator, despite the risk of coronavirus. Are we really so desperate to shop? This is why we're fucked as a species. Gives the phrase Shop Til You Drop a whole new meaning. Business as usual then. Same goes for you this week. Same shit, different day.

Leo: How do you react when your work colleagues don't give you the respect that you deserve? Do you turn the other cheek or bury them in the woods? It's only stalking if you watch them when they sleep. I bet all you do is drink tea and feel angry about them. You're among friends. Angry tea-drinking is my modus operandi. It's ok if your reach exceeds your grasp. Drinking tea angrily is still an appropriate use of your time.

Virgo: You just want to create but the unchallenged assumption is that you have to work for someone else, to serve the market, to be good little cogs in the capitalist machine. That said, if you give people something for nothing they won't value it in the same way as if they paid for it. Or as The Joker said: "If you're good at something never do it for free." This week it's time to embrace your destiny as a Batman villain. Get paid.

Libra: I have spiders in my hair. I guess that's my life now. This is just what happens when you go walking places where spiders can hide in trees and bushes. Sometimes you accidentally walk into their webs. Other times they drop onto you and try to hitch a ride. What does this have to do with you? Everything this week. You have metaphorical spiders in your hair. You walked into their web and they're trying to hitch a ride. My work here is done.

Scorpio: What's your lockdown look this week? Plague poser or Cholera chic? Mine's bookish ninja. I'll pass no comment on people wearing or not wearing masks. Last time I did I was berated for "opinion shaming" other people because I followed the guidance of the World Health Organisation, like some sort of uninformed crazed hippie, and told I should spend my time making masks. People are fucking stupid. That's my point.

Sagittarius: The stars aren't aligned. They've shifted so much that your star sign probably isn't what you think it is. There's even a 13th zodiac sign called Ophiuchus but it hasn't stuck yet so we pretend that it isn't there. This week might be a good time to work out what your real sign is. I don't know what mine is and can't be arsed to work it out. I stand by my words regardless. No cat guts were used in the making of my predictions, I promise.

Capricorn: Dumbphones are good at making calls - the one thing smartphones seem unable to do well. What are you so good at as a specialist that generalists can't match your level of skill? Double down on that this week. Freelance writers keep asking me if I want them to write for me. I'm a writer. That's literally my one thing. If I outsourced my writing I'd have nothing to do all day but drink tea and watch cartoons. Well, when you put it that way…

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