Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

You still need to read each sign because they’re all secretly about you.

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Aquarius: Studies show that cats crave attention and forget their owners if neglected or absent for too long… WHO ARE YOU? Get off of my lawn. It’s a metaphorical lawn but very soft and plush; which is probably why people stand on it. I’ve also got a metaphorical shotgun and I’m not afraid to use it. Ok, bad joke, but you might want to give it some thought this week. There should also be a universal translator for humour. But there isn’t. So think on that too. “Well I thought it was funny” is my excuse for everything I say but you don’t have the same luxury.

Pisces: You sold your soul to the Devil. He wants a refund. Beware of shallow people who judge by appearances. Unless, you know, they’re really hot. You keep thinking you should record yourself on YouTube or start a podcast or something. Then you remember that you hate public speaking and you’re not a shiny happy millennial or narcissistic sociopath. Well at least not one who likes to record themselves. Too bad you’ve a face that’s made for radio and a voice made for the Shipping forecast. Still you might want to think about what your message to the world would be.

Aries: Anything you said that you’d do before the zombie apocalypse happened is now contractually null and void. From now on it’s pretty much guaranteed that you won’t do any of the things that you said you’d do so stop beating yourself up about it. If anyone’s unhappy or sore about this then they can come see you after the apocalypse is over. You could try to take over the world but you’re far too nice for that. That’s what you get for having feelings. It’s the cross you have to bear but it also comes with the territory. Candour and valour are seldom the same thing.

Taurus: I’ve something really important to tell you. This isn’t it. You have the love and support of the universe within you and around you. You’re a beautiful and unique snowflake. You can achieve your dreams. Yada yada yada. Sorry, wrong meeting. In your case the universe is likely to be a bit more brutally honest. You worry too much about how others live their lives. You must be bored — go play outside for a while. Leave other people well enough alone. Live as you live. When in doubt mind your own business. You mean well but you’re never too old for a slap.

Gemini: Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-do. I have a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa Loompa doom-pa-dee-dee. If you are wise, you’ll listen to me. What’s your superpower? Stop saying: “It’s just the placebo effect.” Start saying: “You can make shit happen with the power of your mind!” Rule 1: There are no rules. Rule 2: Which part of ‘There are no rules’ did you not understand? Go back and read Rule 1 again. Steven Pressfield said: “On the field of the self stand a knight and a dragon. You are the knight. Resistance is the dragon.” Try to kill yourself a dragon this week.

Cancer: Maybe you should try your hand at writing fiction? Because crazy people need jobs too. Day jobs are a perfect opportunity to write your novel. You’re being paid to write and it’s ok to stab anyone who says different. Chuck Palahniuk wrote Fight Club whilst lying under trucks he fixed working for Freightliner as a diesel mechanic. Just a thought. There’s no need to opt out of society completely or try to go it alone. Much easier to get by on late consumer capitalism’s off-cuts. “You met me at a very strange time in my life.” I am Jack’s token cultural reference.

Leo: The sun is shining — the sun must be destroyed. Only lizards love this kind of weather. Ok. Rant over. It’s safe to come out now. I won’t shout at you, I promise. But could you please start working on a death ray this week that can kill the sun? You are an evil genius after all and I like the way you’re not afraid to tackle the important issues of the day. You would do us all a great service. What do you mean you think I’ve gone over to the dark side? I find your lack of faith disturbing. There is no dark side. It’s all dark. Ideas don’t die; they evolve.

Virgo: You want the moon on a stick. Or to live by yourself on the moon. Either way you’re not too fussy so long as you’re left alone. Sadly they don’t rent out places on the moon. Too many illegal aliens. Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Maybe you should Netflix and chill for a bit instead? They say that content is king. But judging by the crap that’s on Netflix it looks like the king is dead. Long live whoever killed the king. You need to be selective about what you watch. Ask not what to watch but why you watch it. If content is king then context is queen.

Libra: Write a Dear John letter to the world. It’s time to break up with the world and go your own way. You need to do your own thing for a while. Stop letting other people get in the way of you fulfilling your dreams. Dear World: Bite me. Dear Vampires: Not literally. Upon reflection it’d probably be more fun the other way around. Upon reflection is such a weird phrase when you think about it, isn’t it? What makes a mirror reflective? Narcissism and a philosophical bent? Thank you, I’m here all week. I also think we should see other people. It’s not me; it’s you.

Scorpio: Someone asked me if I know the words to God Save The Queen. I thought they meant the Sex Pistols version. They weren’t impressed when I sang it to them because I know it by heart. But I’m from Yorkshire — we don’t do Queen’s English or The Queen or The Monarchy in general. They say that we’re loyal to our county but not to our country. Where do your loyalties lie this week? You lead a full and active life. To be honest I’m not sure which is which at this point. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be. You breathe in and out anyway so you might as well sing.

Sagittarius: You’re about to receive some good news. How awkward. How are you going to reconcile that with being a grumpy curmudgeon? Are you going to lighten up for once and try to enjoy life? Nope. Absolutely not. Nothing to see here. Move along. I mean yes. Pretending to be happy is much better than pretending to be grumpy. It’s the perfect disguise. The internet is a utility like gas, water or electricity, and no longer a place you go. Social media shouldn’t feel like a full-time job. If people really want to know what you’re doing with your life they can ask you.

Capricorn: Watson: “Why did a piece of fruit walk through the door?” Sherlock: “It’s a lemon entry, my dear Watson.” If life gives you lemons, kick life in the nuts. If life kicks you in the nuts, go bananas. Flattery will get you nowhere or everywhere depending on how hot you are. It is a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma; but perhaps there is a key. There’s nothing wrong with using a little glamour magick to your advantage. Dress how you want to be perceived. Look the part and act the part. Brush your hair before you ask for a raise. That sort of thing.

James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. You can follow him on Medium, subscribe to his publication, and chat with him on Twitter. Sign up for his newsletter for the inside track on all his creative projects and unusual insights about life, work and travel.