Asshole Astrology: Week of 12 July 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here’s the latest horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

Aquarius: Smart is sexy. Drunk and stupid? Not so much. Live your life so others can learn from your mistakes. As Catherine Aird said: “If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.” Don’t worry what others think. The universe only gives a damn about your presence and your participation — that’s why you’re here. Do what you want. Life’s too short to do anything else really if you think about it. How you fall doesn’t matter. It’s how you land!

Pisces: The universe is saying “You first.” Do nothing and it gives you nothing. But take a step in any direction and it warps the world around you. God is like the kid who rescues you from school bullies. He doesn’t mind helping, but thinks you’re a dick for not sorting it out yourself. Depression’s like weather. Sometimes it’s sunny, other times it is shitting it down outside but stormy or not it’s just weather. Never you. These should not be thought of as separate things.

Aries: Nobody cares about your dragon. Everyone wants a pony. I don’t feel like you deserve context for either of those statements. But ask me anything and I’ll give you an honest answer — or at least a funny one as I try to avoid the question. I’m glad that you’re ok and feeling better. In general, I mean, not with regards to anything too specific. It’s not like I’m psychic. You do realise that horoscopes are made up and general statements can apply to anyone, right?

Taurus: Are you trying to read good books? Your flawed logic is flawless. Go stand on the naughty step and have a long hard think about what you’ve done. Life’s too short to waste reading good books — you’ve barely enough time to read a handful of great ones. Anything less than the absolute best is trash and a waste of your time. You should avoid merely good books at all costs. Even more so than terrible books because at least you can learn from the bad ones what not to do.

Gemini: Hey you. Wot’s uh the deal? Backs to the wall. Obscured by clouds. Learning to fly. It’s never too late. Take up thy stethoscope and walk. Give birth to a smile. Is there anybody out there? The lost art of conversation. Another brick in the wall. On the turning away. It would be so nice. Louder than words. Scream thy last scream. Any colour you like. Coming back to life. Come in number 51, your time is up. Get your filthy hands off my desert. Shine on you crazy diamond. Wish you were here.

Cancer: Wow, it sucks to be you. I mean, you know, like totally. Just kidding — but humans are exhausting. I’m right there with you on that. I knew there was an evil genius lurking in there. Have you heard the news? Everyone’s talking about it. What consenting adults get up to behind closed doors is none of your business. Read news stories bottom-up. I mean last-sentence-first, not with your arse in the air. Revealing information, such as news sources, is often lower down.

Leo: Your car stopped so a passerby put bees in your petrol tank. When the bees had finished in there they flew back out and your car worked. You asked: “What did you use?” The passerby said: “BP.” You saw a chicken and a frog outside the library. The chicken said Book Book Book and the frog said Reddit. I hope you don’t have kids because those are proper Dad Jokes. Put Bob Monkhouse’s joke book down, Ken. And back away slowly. The comedy police have you surrounded.

Virgo: What should you do with your life? That’s a bit like asking someone who tells you the ‘why did the chicken cross the road’ joke what happened to the chicken. Don’t despair. Things may get worse and then you’ll have peaked too soon. Are you by yourself? Then you’re in good company. You can do anything that you set your mind to. You can dream of spiders drowning in the sewers of New York. Until they meet a giant rat. And learn to be Ninja. Or anything else really.

Libra: Hello, complete stranger. Thank you for contacting me out of the blue. Why, yes, I’d love to buy your book / write for free / promote your product. Said no-one ever. You might want to rethink your marketing strategy. If your marketing strategy involves annoying people in the vain hope that they will then throw money at you then you don’t really have a marketing strategy. Yet this is the strategy most people use. It’s irony on a base level, but I like it.

Scorpio: Did you try snorting coke but get an ice cube stuck up your nose? Metaphorically I mean. There are just some things that some people aren’t cut out for. As Melville said: “Let us speak, though we show all our faults and weaknesses — for it is a sign of strength to be weak, to know it, and out with it.” Don’t mistake kindness for weakness. Don’t mistake ulterior motives for kindness. Reach for the stars. If you’re drunk you just see more stars than are actually there.

Sagittarius: Opticians letters sound like mafia threats: “Call us. You can never replace your eyes. It would be a shame if anything happened to them.” Here’s a novel idea for Customer Service: SERVE YOUR CUSTOMERS. In other words try to make your customers happy instead of pissing them off. I know that things are difficult right now but there’s no need to be rude. Mouth, this is foot. Foot, meet mouth. You’d best get acquainted as you’re going to spend an awful lot of time together.

Capricorn: I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you: life’s short. *mic drop* You’re wasting your life. Stop that. Put pants on. Check. Leave the house. Check. In that order. Double check! These days you feel like you’re the portrait in the attic and that somewhere there’s a good-looking painting of you, walking around, living your life. Don’t worry, it’s your inner child that looks like the portrait of Dorian Gray. At least this way you have a clear conscience.

James Garside is an independent journalist and writer. Join Chapter 23 for the inside track on all their creative projects and insights about life, work, and travel. Subscribe to Asshole Astrology for regular horoscopes.