Asshole Astrology — Week of 12 April 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign. It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up. What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: I think you are very mean to me. Rule of thumb: You regret the things you didn’t do more than the things that you did. So, yeah. Your books may be free on Kindle, but so are the complete works of Dostoevsky. I’m just saying. You are very lucky! Something to do with towels or mice. You could always dress as a clown. Write? Me? Bah! I am, I have, and I will. WILL WRITE FOR FOOD: Need lots of money right now to fund my plans for world domination. I’m open to creative suggestions of how to earn it. “Not a day without a line” — that’s writing, not coke. Haha! I tried snorting coke once but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.

Pisces: “Missed by many, but hold few dear.” I like that. That’s how you should try to be. You’re wise beyond your years! Ok, I always say that when people say things that I agree with, but great minds think alike. And read Douglas Adams. And always carry a towel. Why try to write a literary masterpiece when you read trashy thrillers? Write what you read. If you love reading it, you’ll love writing it. When I drunkenly declared that “I’m a really splendid engine” I’m not sure my friends believed it was a Thomas the Tank Engine reference. You have my blessing to steal from the writers that you love.

Aries: Left-handed people are always in their right mind. Whenever I picked up a pencil with my left hand my nursery school teacher used to break it and put a new one in my right. I was born a leftie but made a rightie. I still do a lot left-handed except writing, which I keep trying to do but find hard. I’d have preferred it if she’d said: “You just sit here, dear, while the nice nursie mixes your meds!” I was born left-handed but made to write with my right — that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it. It’s no loss to mankind when one writer decides to call it a day. The secular version is “Shit Happens.”

Taurus: You keep pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del but your life is still shit. You hate being interrupted by phone calls. Apparently you’re a ‘phone-reluctant introvert’ — you thought you were just a reasonable human being. What fresh hell is this? You’ve been wondering the exact same thing for years. Be yourself. Me be me? Hmm, I’ll give it a go. Your answer is a month plus an insect. May Bee! That makes it much harder. Yeah, now all you have to do is think of something witty to say on a regular basis! *hides under duvet* So, despite everything you’ve got to do — it’s ok to spend your first day of freedom curled up asleep and listening to Bill Hicks.

Gemini: Your music taste is so obscure that Spotify doesn’t have it. Your music taste is so obscure that Russian torrent sites don’t have it. You listen to cheese — does it warn you to stay away from mice? I’m not really interested in your answer. That was a rhetorical question. Green Day earnt my infinite respect at a festival when they urged the entire crowd to shout at them “Yankee fucks go home!” People aren’t real. Social media is antisocial. My name’s [obviously fake], I’m a [list of random nouns+verbs], and I stole my face from the internet. Follow me for the latest [#hashtags]. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Cancer: Kid on mobile phone: “HELLO? WHAT?! NO. I’M IN THE LIBRARY… THE LIBRARY… LIE BEAR EE… I DUNNO, BOOKS AND SHIT.” That awkward moment when someone asks you how to get hold of books and the bottom methods on your list are ‘from the library’ or ‘buy them.’ The death of a kindle is the modern equivalent of the burning of the library of Alexandria. You need something to read that won’t run out of batteries. *picks up paperback* Never mind. As you were. Return your library books on time but write the wrong date in them so the librarian gets confused. Anarchy in the UK ensues.

Leo: It has come to my attention that you may be a little down in the dumps. It’s just like Leonard Cohen said: “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” You’ve got it so much better than you realise. I know that’s easy to say when it isn’t four in the morning for you and you’re not an insomniac who works full-time. I’ll gladly torment you if it helps you to write. I’ve decided to go on holiday for free using the power of my imagination. Brain: What did I just say? Me: Don’t do shit unless. Brain: Unless what? Me: Unless you do it first. Brain: Spoken like a true prodigy. (I’m James’ Brain. I solve problems.)

Virgo: Wake me up when it’s dark. *crawls under duvet* I probably should have stayed in bed. You know how they say you’re never more alone than in a crowded room? Well, it seems I’m never more antisocial than when I’m being sociable. Why did I agree to meet people on my day off? *crawls outta bed* Must. Reach. Kettle. *remembers can drink Guinness* I’ll be there ASAP! Given that I’m a full-time grumpy arse I REALLY shouldn’t be allowed on Twitter. Or on the Internets. Or near other humans. Moody James is moody. My muse once left me to a Bob Dylan song. That’s ok but the song was ‘Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right’ and my muse was a voice in my head.

Libra: If you could go back in time and meet your 16-year-old self, what three things would you tell yourself? You just went up in my estimation. Get knocked down seven times. Stand up eight. I’ll put the kettle on. Trust me, you’ve not had a proper cup of tea until it’s been made for you by someone from Yorkshire. Seriously people — if you love tea, we can be friends. But if you love coffee — we need to talk. You? Lipton? BAG?! Go stand on the naughty step and have a long, hard think about what you’ve just done! The only bit I understood in that sentence was tea in the affirmative… I approve! La la la la. *sticks fingers in ears*

Scorpio: Me: “I’ve applied for jobs. I’m wearing pants. What more do you want from me?!” Brain: “Tea. Cake. And a helicopter.” Employers should have to fill out their own job application forms: both as a model example, and to convey the misery they inflict on others. In the time I spent filling out job application forms I could’ve written a novel. According to George Orwell: “Unemployment is an endless misery that has got to be constantly palliated, and especially with tea, the English-man’s opium.” I subsist on a steady diet of tea and disappointment. I am just going outside and may be some time. Bonjour mon amis. Ca va? Moi? Ca va bien.

Sagittarius: My friend Liz plonked her baby in my lap the other day. I didn’t drop it. But it did try to eat my thumb, which was hilarious. Yarr, you be a salty old sea dog. Don’t use a picture of a baby, a cat, a dog, or anything else like that as your profile picture unless you are one — in which case you shouldn’t even be able to type. I don’t care how cute it is, or if it’s yours, it’s still not a picture of you so stop being creepy and weird. You could do everything on your to do list today. Or you could watch the entire final season of Dinosaurs and sing along with Baby Sinclair. You: “I’ve had a very productive day.” Baby Sinclair: “Lying to the baby…” *shakes head in dismay*

Capricorn: Travel: changing your surrroundings as you stare at your phone. Because the subject line was cut short next to the time an email says: “Get a job and travel the world with 11:11.” Even my Inbox goads me. I left my job to focus on my writing. My plan was to take a break to travel and write and then go freelance or start a business or something. Ok, I have no plan. All I ever wanted to be was a writer. Sometimes you just have to swing for the fences. I’m broke-ass poor and have to do without most things so I can afford to travel even just a little. My pet hate is people who spend ridiculous amounts on superfluous stuff like there’s no tomorrow but then act like you must be some sort of moneybags fancy pants to go on holiday.