Asshole Astrology — Week of 11 January 2021

Horoscopes for horrible people

Here is next week’s horoscope for your sign.

It doesn’t matter when you read it, or which sign you are, as horoscopes are all made up.

What does the universe have in store for you? Let’s find out.

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Aquarius: Saturday night at the movies. Who cares what picture we see? I do. Stop talking, pay attention, and turn off your goddamned mobile phone. Cinema used to be my church. These days the experience is so bad I can barely stand it. Aside from the big screen I prefer to watch at home. I’m a freak at the cinema: I sit at the front in reverential silence — don’t talk, eat, drink, or use my phone — and actually watch the film. If you raise your children so that they know better than to talk in the cinema then I’m impressed. But this is how it’s supposed to be. You’re supposed to quietly watch the film. It helps to have standards. This is what I’m saying.

Pisces: Scream 5 has been announced. Five. There’s five of them. I haven’t even seen the first one yet. Or the TV series. The Scream films are on my long list of things that I should watch someday. As I got older at some point I turned into a wuss regarding horror films. I’ve only recently started watching them again. I keep thinking that if the first three or four landed on Netflix at the same time then I might watch them but Netflix UK is pants. We usually get the second or third film in a trilogy by itself and never see the others or at best see them one at a time out of sequence. Enough already. You’ve got to draw the line somewhere. This is what I’m saying.

Aries: At the cinema I’d sit near the front, but MUST be in the middle (from left to right), much to the annoyance of family and friends. My ideal cinema has one leather sofa, a massive screen, and no people except me and perhaps someone to cuddle up with. No light in the cinema other than the silver screen. Is it ok that when I watch films at the cinema I miss the progress bar and the ability to pause and go to the toilet? I miss having friends to go to the cinema with who don’t talk during the film or sit in the wrong place. There’s a reason you have no friends. This is what I’m saying.

Taurus: Blade Trinity is complete trash, and easily the worst film in the trilogy, but its product placement is hilarious. Including a protagonist who listens to her iPod whilst she slays vampires as explained by another character in a cringeworthy scene: “She’s making playlists. She likes to listen to MP3s when she hunts. It’s like her own internal soundtrack, you know?Dark core, trip-hop, whatever kids are listening to these days. Me, I’m more of a David Hasselhof fan, you know?” So bad it’s funny. Embrace mediocrity. This is what I’m saying.

Gemini: I’ve never seen a film in 3D because my eyes are wonky and I’m a snob about cinema. When the Blade Runner sequel was announced I said if it was in 3D I’d take hostages. I like the idea of some sort of virtual reality though. Preferably one that matched my ideal environment. Such places already exist. They’re called beds, libraries, cinemas, cafes and the moon. My happy place would have an empty library, a quiet cinema, and all the tea in China. It’s a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining. The birds are singing. Go the cinema. This is what I’m saying.

Cancer: We share a love of Guillermo Del Toro and Ron Perlman. I was gutted Hellboy 3 never happened and think the new one is a travesty. Guillermo Del Toro films are a litmus test for your humanity. Pan’s Labyrinth is one of my top 10 favourite films. You should also check out Cronos if you haven’t seen it already. Horrific but beautiful. Too weird and wonderful to be called horror. I saw it once in Spanish with Japanese subtitles, in Hiroshima, and loved it more than ever. Watch Pan’s Labyrinth. Your interpretation of the ending will tell you a lot about the state of your soul. This is what I’m saying.

Leo: The BBFC guidance for any film is often more damning and telling than a review. I’m watching a film called Duplicity. It’s so convoluted I barely understand what’s happening and care even less. The BBFC guidance says: “Frightening and Intense Scenes: None.” That’s pretty spot on. So who needs movie reviewers and film critics then? John Osborne said: “Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post what it feels about dogs.” Bring me the head of Mark Kermode. Just kidding. Pay no attention to the critics. This is what I’m saying.

Virgo: Blade Runner is by far my favourite film of all time. I first watched it when I was five. I got so angry and upset about the announcement of a sequel that my Dad threatened to stage an intervention. It should never have spawned a sequel. Is nothing sacred? In the end it wasn’t as bad as expected but still not a patch on the original. There should be no remakes, sequels, or prequels. Some things are so perfect and singular in their vision that they stand alone. A new life awaits you in the off-world colonies. The chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure. This is what I’m saying.

Libra: A friend saw Star Wars as his first film at the cinema. As the text crawl started he said: “Is that all it is? Just one big story?!” I once overheard someone say in the cinema: “The trailers for this film look good. It has a lot of people in it.” My folks went to the cinema. I recommended something arty and pretentious, preferably with subtitles, but they picked Mrs. Brown’s Boys D’Movie. I went to the cinema to see Arachnophobia when I was a kid and chucked fake plastic spiders into the crowd. Films are better than real life. This is what I’m saying.

Scorpio: Spend the day watching films whose title begins with the letter C. Cronos. Charlie Wilson’s War. Chinatown. The Crow (shut up). Cartel Land. Confessions. Clerks. Citizen Kane. Citizen X. Carrie. Cruel Intentions. Cyrano De Bergerac. Clockwork Orange. Chasing Amy. Carlito’s Way. CitizenFour. Children of Men. Children of the Corn. Collateral. Cool Runnings. Chef. Captain Phillips. Casino. Calvary. Candyman. Cannonball Run. Capote. That sounds like a wonderful way to spend the day. Sometimes you have to make your own entertainment. This is what I’m saying.

Sagittarius: Cinemas are so notorious for price gouging and ripping off their customers that they make airlines look like a convent of nuns. They say that they make no money from the showing of the film itself and only make money from selling overpriced popcorn and what have you at the concession stand. I find this hard to believe when these days cinema tickets are so expensive. People: “Do I spend £15 on a cinema ticket or download the film for free from the internet?” Cinema: “Attendance is low. Let’s increase prices!” Piracy is fine. This is what I’m saying.

Capricorn: As a teen I got kicked out of the cinema during The Jungle Book for snogging with my girlfriend. I once trekked to a midnight showing of The Warriors at an indie cinema and walked back through a rough neighbourhood at four in the morning. I saw the original print of Leon at the cinema: one of my all-time favourite films. After 20 years it’s falling to pieces. I can relate. I had to spend my 35th Birthday alone so I got drunk and went to the cinema to see Ghost World. Cinema is important. Films even more so. Go watch a film. This is what I’m saying.